friends

So I drift in the pool on my back, looking into the stars, letting my mind wander back to Greece, to the time that I was blessed to share with the wonderful people of my class. With a lot of them I shared all my childhood and youth. With a lot of them I went to the same class, to the same school since the first grade. One of them is Lisa. I love her dearly and she jumped right into my mind when I thought about people that just stay in your heart for some weird reason. She is one of those people that give me strength and happiness by just thinking about them. How genuinly she is concerned and moved, how this shines through when she talks and thinks and acts. Wonderful human being, my sweet Lisa. Her birthday is tomorrow. Wow. We are 23. Can you believe that. That is beyond everything we ever were able to imagine.
I talked to her the other day, and we remnisced about those old wonderful days and laughed at how we believed that every dirty joke we made would make our pubic hair grow one at a time/per joke. No, we didn't particularly like growing up that way. But it was beautiful and we are still close to each other's minds and hearts, despite all the distant years, the boyfriends and other things that got in the way during those years.
I love you Lisa. thank you for being such a wonderful friend.

And we are all there! Lisa, Lena, Silvia, Theresa. And I think of Caspar a lot, too, and Kamal for some reason and Christian. And Jolanda and Annabelle and Anna-Lisa.....But you four are those that remain for real. I can't get over you and I hope I never will. I love you. :) I dedicate one of my songs to you . This is me and my guitar in Venice Beach. I am very startled about the fact that I am actually here. With my guitar. Learning playing the guitar. It was somewhat unexpected in my life plans. Weird. But that's it and I am glad I did. I have had wonderful experiences here and I've met beautiful people here too. Even though I am very spoiled by you guys. Having such beautiful REAL friends, such as you, makes it more difficult to find really good friends else where. But I am glad I did find two or three friends where ever I went after our time and especially here too, who fulfil those difficult prerequisites that you set up way back in the days ;-))
How we thought we could save the world....

musical update

the reason why i never really liked to perform for people anymore was that i wasn't proud of myself. i just realized that today.
I am running around like a little child right now, asking everybody whether I showed them already the classical Tango piece that I just learned by heart. It is ridiculous.
the coffeehouse LPW teacher, too, was really full of praise and said that he has never seen me THAT concentrated on stage and that he thinks my whole 'practicing to improvise on stage'-thing isn't the best way for me to get where I want to be.
It is very exciting for me to see, that I MADE progress, can sit down with scores and learn a beautiful piece of music, sit down with my favorite guitar songs on loud and just transcribe them. it is GREAT. it is what I need to go on by myself. and my own stuff comes later. now is the time of studying the masters!

in Hollywood you fake it if you can't make it

So today I met my French student for the first time.
Some Dad called me after I posted that 'Great Language Teacher German/French/Russian/English' Ad, which was actually meant to target foreigners who want to learn English.
But he wanted a French teacher for his son.
"oh Money is not an issue...'
his son, too, when I told him that for the first hour it would be okay to pay half of the usual price told me
"oh, money is not a proble, I have it...'
he is from Beverly Hills.
Went to the Beverly Hills Highschool.
Well, so what do you do when you have a really big fish in your net but you don't know how to kill it?
My French sucks. C'est la galere, vraiment.
I am not a walking dictionary.
Unfortunately his French is pretty good... *laughs*
well, I explained him that 'we' usually teach in a team and that my partner (my friend Barbara who talked me into doing all of this) is a native speaker and we want to approach him from as many sides as possible, therefore we have her for excercising fluent conversational skills and I would teach him how to effectively learn a language, because as I learned myself French as foreigner I know what it takes.... blablabla *gasps*

In Hollywood, you know, all it takes is a huge smile and a convincing attitude, a 'I am the right one and will make sure that you get the most appropriate, personalized and best teaching' lie and that's it.

In Hollywood you fake it, if you can't make it.

(sidenote: making it in Hollywood means making it big time as a star)

well well. So I will teach French but I very much hope I get some people who actually want to learn English.
I might have to change my ad.
It was fun though. Our neighborhood cafe hangout place changed ownership and the dude is from Morocco and speaks French too. He will hep me ;-) and actually, he will put some of my paintings on his wall....
Now is that cool or something. I just need to paint them yet, of course, but you know....*lol*
oh PEOPLE OUT THERE: i HAVE become Hollyweirdian. after a while you just get the drift. and then you do it. it's all about the attitude dear fellas....


what a life

*ps look out for my posts about my 'obese children camps' that I will get tons of money for!

remixed

obviously I am quite fascinated by my little black-white experiments. lol

get it going

so i sit down and listen to 'wish you were here' by Pink Floyd. it's time I get it going and copy those marvellous guitar solos and riffs. I am so happy I am in a position now to figure things like that out by myself. I can't wait to live even more and learn more and be better. Ah. it's such a soothing thing, playing and practicing music.
yesterday night I was at the Hollywood Bowl... Mariza, supposedly 'the' Fado-singer of our times joined the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra in a musical journey through the 20 mediterranean countries, her Fado songs were goose-bumping and made me cry so beautiful it was.
There is something to the southern folkloric styles that is so passionate and genuine, it cuts right through the bullshit and touches your heart.
It was a very good moment, although I really hated to be in a crowd with so many people, i get a little claustrophobic these days. it was also a real drag to have to wait for the girls for ever. I simply don't have the patience right now to wait totally chilled until the least one has her stuff together. That's why I don't like going out too much with people. I d rather be by myself and in silence.
Mariza said something about music that was very interesting and oh so true - she said, music is the power of the future... it unites us regardless of our color, religion, political policies, etc. music is the voice of the heart and we all have a heart. that's what unites us in the end across all borders.
For me it was a consolatory moment. I can't be in Brazil right now, although my sister organized this amazing international youth conference (www.connectivity2006.org) and my decision not to go could be very easily disputed. But I have to follow my heart and although I really would love to be with them right now I have to stay here and put all my energy in what is NOW. MUSIC. that is.
okay and now i go practice....
aloha!
g

just playing...

my mom.
my mother.
I remember, one day she was driving me down to town and cried. 'I always dreamt of my girls and me becoming good friends when you are older' she sobbed and it was really tragically comic. Then she laughed under her tears (a trademark from all women on this side of our family) and looked really beautiful... She was so sad. but I was too young to be a friend. However, now that I gained the right amount of distance both physically and emotionally from those days I am proud and happy beyond words to anounce officially that my mother has indeed become one of my best friends.
And the motherly-touch she still has is not at all bothering me but I actually really still want her to be my mom besides being my best friend.
Today I felt so shitty. Really. So ... incapable of doing what I want to do. So paralysed. So wrong. And then we talked and everything is better now. It was so good to talk to you mom. I love you.
Man, I am so happy about my mom being the way she is and the way she raised me and the way she loves.

She is something else.
I mean, being over 60 and still climbing trees...Now, does that rock or something?
I mean, she is SO PRACTICAL. When she visited me last year at my college she helped me patientally to frame all my painting for my exhibition and put up with all my stress. And then we went out to the 'it'-secret place in Berlin, this bar at the river and she saw the swing and just .... enjoyed it like a kid!
Her candle of loving enthusiasm still gets lit like the candles on our x-mas tree.
She made my life the fairy tale world that it has been and she gave me all the weapons to protect that and protrude everything else with it: an abundance of songs, prayers, experiences that help me to get through anything just by thinking of it/singing it/saying the prayer. She trusted me more than anybody I know (starting with letting me climb trees as much as I wanted to and continuing with letting me go through my stupid Bo-experiences. She always trusted me and I hope I never let you down Mom. Thank you so much. And just most recently, the way she trusts in me and my love and us doing the right thing is better than any consoling words anybody could have for me.)

Thank you so much. i am obviously lacking the right words right now. But to make a point before giving up I would like to say that all the advice you gave me and that infuriated me many times - it was the best I ever got. You are it, Mom. You are it. Your intuition rocks. Your sixth sense rocks. Your flexible ideas rock. Your feeling heart rocks. Your beautiful creativity shines and is my star. Your consistency is one of the strongest supporting factors in my life. Your ability to feel into other people is incredibly admirable. Your heart warms my life. You gave birth to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For being so strong in your weakness. So beautiful in any mess. So adorable and so humane. Anything that you did and regret now was nothing. It made you a human and once you descended from the olymp of parental perfectness you became even more admirable and adorable.
Yeah! Alaskan girls rock!!!! And Alaskan Mom's rock even harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am dancing on the roof for my mom. She is the best friend i've got. (to the right in this pic. see how her sister's admire her too!!!! you never knew how beautiful you really are mom, and that made you even more special and adorable)

LIFE is what happens while you are busily making plans

So,
you know what is funny?
life is what happens ... exactly....
so i was so scared, so shitless scared man, yesterday. I thought it would be the most horrible day ever and instead of flaking out as my inclination told me to do, I went right through it and thought, you know what, screw it, I don't have anything to lose.
The weirdest thing, however, is how those most fucked up days turn their back on you and despite the horrifying anticipations transform into the most convenient, most effective, most beautiful day ever.
Geez, I should have known better. It happened to me already at my final exam day last quarter. It was the most f**** up situation, I had to take my sister's dogs to the doctor, I was about to miss my finals because I was in freaking Santa Monica and my school is in Hollywood...I didn't really study for this one final and had forgotten to sign up for the other.
So I made it to school, despite all odds and was ready for the worst.

-

and I got the best grades ever. I was superb, to make a point here. I mean, seriously, I don't pad my own shoulder usually, but it just went so smooth, it was unbelievable.

And the same thing happened yesterday. The rehearsal i was so scared of got delayed until Friday (gives me more time to practice and leave a good impression at least!), I played all the LPW's (Life Playing Workshop's for which we get credited at school) that I signed up for (means I can play again next week, if you don't show up you get punished and can't play for a week....well well....talk about over institutionalising a rock school...) and I even made a new song on stage at the Coffeehouse LPW and people liked it.

Wow... And as the icing of the cake my good friend Heiko from Germany called me for a looong chat(thanks!) and I went to the movies with Miles and Amanda....Good old times!!! I tell ya.

so: note to self: although it might seem all fucked up, just keep right on going and never give up. You never know whether it'll turn out good and smooth like those times..yeah....flaking is not the solution :)

crazy

i am sitting here, totally paralysed.
i need to practice, i need to listen to those disgusting songs and listen to them a thousand and one times, trying to figure out the guitar parts under the freaking keyboard.
i have to be able to play all that tonight
i feel terrible
i am scared
and it even doesn't matter.
weird. human beings i mean. weirdos.

stay lady stay

This song is loaded with associations!!!
it all started with dad playing it in the car when we were driving through France, I think. It was a storm day and there was heavy rain. and into a heavy mood after a sibling's fight the song emerged like a shining star in the air, virbrated and filled my heart with a strange sense of joy and longing, a desire, for the unknown, somewhere out there. it was simply beautiful...the first seconds of the song are the most important ones, it's such a powerful entrance, it draws you immediately to this magic place of hope, desire, love and longing. and love.
it is also the song of my prince and me and it makes me cry.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

stay lady stay

This song is loaded with associations!!!
it all started with dad playing it in the car when we were driving through France, I think. It was a storm day and there was heavy rain. and into a heavy mood after a sibling's fight the song emerged like a shining star in the air, virbrated and filled my heart with a strange sense of joy and longing, a desire, for the unknown, somewhere out there. it was simply beautiful...the first seconds of the song are the most important ones, it's such a powerful entrance, it draws you immediately to this magic place of hope, desire, love and longing. and love.
it is also the song of my prince and me and it makes me cry.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

childish

there is a good way of being childish and a bad way
tonight it was bad.
i lost it.
i freaked out on the bitch and I only freaked out half way instead of sticking to it. at least i would have had a genuine freak out but i didn't. i stopped, but too late and that's how I found myself in the round of jolly stupid idiots who do the paris hilton/nicole richie/ lindsay lohan and who else not thing and start a bitchy fight.
i wish *sigh* that girls were like guys and would just punch each other a couple of times and then go drink a beer together. seriously.
so it is official, i had a fight with the bitch and i don't really want to deal with it, i mean the consequences of it. fuck man. really. i am so stupid. it s kind of disappointing but then again, i never said i WAS grown up, you know?
i really have to try hard to grow up though.
i am in the midst of it.
and it is so annoying. i wish i could be a nine year old again.

allez les bleus

okay, man, it is official, my intuition kicks ass! it always has. the things my intuition tells me don't have anything to do with: inclination/lust/mood/desire/fear/antipaty or sympathy/etc pp but it's simply what it is.
For example, I knew the French would win but I really wanted Portugal to win and hey, I think they played GREAT! Man, I wish the goalie would have scored a goal when he ran up to help his teammates... Man that was a game! I loved it... And that Figo and Zidane changed shirts says everything, for me... I think they both are really great. Whatever, it doesn't matter, it s just some very girlie football/soccer rambling here, I can't claim to know much about the rules. lol
But my intuition is awesome, still...
I mean to an extend. I get surprises too, but sometimes I get this sneaky feeling that they happen only because i didn't WANT to see what was really going on....
Yeah, humans, we are so clingy.


Other than that: I pretty much made up my mind NOT to go to Brazil, after all, as you know me that might change last minute still but I am pretty sure it won't.
I climbed up Runyon Canyon yesterday night and came to some conclusions by doing so. It is great to be walking in nature, all by myself. Brings me back to my stronger self kind of. I want to focus on school for those last ten weeks.
So, now, allez moi aussi!!!!!!!!!

love!!!!

jayjay

little wing

Well she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind that's running round
Butterflies and Zebras
And moonbeams and fairy tales
That's all she ever thinks about
Riding with the wind

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles, she gives to me free
It's alright she says, it's alright
Take anything you want from me, anything
anything
Fly on little wing,
yeah, yeah, yeah, little wing

(Jimi Hendrix)

dock of the bay

(On my way back from Frisco to LA this dude who gave me a shared ride had this song on....and I found out this awesome voice belongs to Otis Redding. And then, haha, I listened to the lyrics and - it's about Frisco...What an irony... Just as the book I am reading right now is on the name patron of San Francisco: San Francis from Assisi. Beautiful childhood memories linger in the air....us visiting Assisi, my dad praying and the donkey on the camping ground and an overwhelming choire of birds waking me up at 4 AM. And I left my home in the Black Forest for the LA bay. ey yeah. that's life and it's looping on and on....)

Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' 'till the evening's done
Watchin' the ships roll in
Then I watch 'em roll away again
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time...


I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the Frisco Bay
I've got nothin' to live for
Looks like nothing's gonna come my way,yeah...
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time...

Looks like nothing's ever gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people want me to
So I guess I'll remain the same,ohh

**Sittin' here rolling my bones**
This loneliness won't leave me alone
2,000 miles I've roamed
Just to make this dock my home,yeah...
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time...

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the Frisco Bay
Sittin' here restin' my bones
This loneliness won't leave me alone,yeah...
2,000 miles I've roamed
Just to make this dock my home,yeah...
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time



loneliness is essential to understand who you are. and i looked over the bay, the sun was breaking through the fog hugging the Golden Gate bridge. And pelicans flew over my head and my voice was very sad. Salt water to salt water I say. And here and there a sun ray, lighting up your face with a smile.
Life is beautiful even in the saddest moments. And when you hang the head to cry you gotta lift it up again and smile into the sun