So I have this whole makeover of my life in my head right now.
What to do or not to do is the question, ladys and gentlemen!
HA! But how funny it is...When I say something just for the sake of hearing how it sounds and then let destiny giggle it's ass off, looking at silly me, changing from nothing to one.
So there is this idea of not continuing coming to MI. How I am not enough into guitar and guitar only but more of an artistic melange and it doesn't really seem like I should pile up any more debts for the sake of learning some more scales or styles or whatever or life playing experience, when I am apparently not so much into it after all...like, I don't freaking practice until 4 AM, until my finger bleed!
No! I lay in my room, look into the greenblue sunkissed evening sky and think about multi art performances, putting dance, theater, music, art, whatever! together.
I guess, I have to just freaking face it: THAT'S me. As much as I WISH I was a female Hendrix, I am NOT. Duh. How annoying.
But as soon as I spit all those thoughts out in a very nice conversation with a common friend of my love and mine, I went to this live playing workship, reaggae, and freaking enjoyed it SO MUCH. And am all thrilled to play more guitar now. HAHA. It's like life wants to freaking mindfuck me.
Thank you.
PS I will never learn how to spell raggae (reggae?) right
Thursday, May 25, 2006
relationships, churches and solitudes
so, I can't understand myself, I feel like trying to catch up with my crazy mind constantly. VERY VERY VERY comforting and nice though to have a constant emotional BASE, from which, don't get me wrong, the weirdest fluctuations of a woman's heart grow like curls on my boyfriends head, but yeah, at least, I tell myself in the evening hours when I look into the greenblue sunkissed sky, at least I have something to smile and then roll over like a happy little wild child when I think of my LOVE. That's nice, eh?! It's not like our minds are united like there were not differences...No! NO! It's still like dancing a damn tight-rope walk, but, hey, I practiced doing that back in our school circus for a reason, right!!!?
Rainer Maria Rilke, a famous German poet apparently, as I learned today, said something really great in one of his poems (which one exactly I will research later and let you know!). In fact, it made me so happy, that I started jumping around on my chair during class and couldn't stop marveling at this beautiful sentence, constantly thinking of how I would love to tell my sweet love what he said:
To love (or so it goes...I just quote from my fickle memory, so forgive me!) ok, so to love means to be the guardian of your lover's solitude.
That's when you realize, that in the end human beings are essentially alone. But that doesn't mean, they have to be lonely. If you respect the other person's solitude instead of wanting to want to have him/her, you guard the space that is his/her own to BE.
It's a beautiful thing to think about. Being alone is so DIFFERENT now, being in love. It is like a church in a way. When you are in a field you have all the space above you without an end to it, but when you are in a church, the building creates a vessel in which the space becomes apparent. It protects and defines and creates the sense of space, because it puts a relation to it to your own physical limitedness. And the cool thing is, within this limitedness you (well I do at least) experience an inner movement of opening up, it helps to implode so to say and find the infinte space through the point. AH, I am expressing myself so clumsely. How annoying.
What I mean is, churches are not necessary to connect to God, but they are a beautiful way of helping to do so. Your soul can open up because of the definition of the physical space. Ah.
So to bring this complicated and unnecessarily elaborate Jayjay-comparison to a conclusion I should say, that I think that being in a relationship that is based on love has a similar effect: It restricts the inner space physically. It restricts the multitude of opportunities and paths and possibilities that present themselves to us every second. And IN THIS RESTRICTION we find a different depth and sensefulness within ourselves, as for example, when I am alone somewhere now, or even in a crowd, as my love appropriately put it, I experience a DIFFERENT quality and a different kind of connection to myself and God through this restriction.
And by ackonwledging the individuality of the beloved you understand that you got to guard the space within, like a church does. Ah. Or sO!!!! excuse my confused and unconcice putting of thought...
Rainer Maria Rilke, a famous German poet apparently, as I learned today, said something really great in one of his poems (which one exactly I will research later and let you know!). In fact, it made me so happy, that I started jumping around on my chair during class and couldn't stop marveling at this beautiful sentence, constantly thinking of how I would love to tell my sweet love what he said:
To love (or so it goes...I just quote from my fickle memory, so forgive me!) ok, so to love means to be the guardian of your lover's solitude.
That's when you realize, that in the end human beings are essentially alone. But that doesn't mean, they have to be lonely. If you respect the other person's solitude instead of wanting to want to have him/her, you guard the space that is his/her own to BE.
It's a beautiful thing to think about. Being alone is so DIFFERENT now, being in love. It is like a church in a way. When you are in a field you have all the space above you without an end to it, but when you are in a church, the building creates a vessel in which the space becomes apparent. It protects and defines and creates the sense of space, because it puts a relation to it to your own physical limitedness. And the cool thing is, within this limitedness you (well I do at least) experience an inner movement of opening up, it helps to implode so to say and find the infinte space through the point. AH, I am expressing myself so clumsely. How annoying.
What I mean is, churches are not necessary to connect to God, but they are a beautiful way of helping to do so. Your soul can open up because of the definition of the physical space. Ah.
So to bring this complicated and unnecessarily elaborate Jayjay-comparison to a conclusion I should say, that I think that being in a relationship that is based on love has a similar effect: It restricts the inner space physically. It restricts the multitude of opportunities and paths and possibilities that present themselves to us every second. And IN THIS RESTRICTION we find a different depth and sensefulness within ourselves, as for example, when I am alone somewhere now, or even in a crowd, as my love appropriately put it, I experience a DIFFERENT quality and a different kind of connection to myself and God through this restriction.
And by ackonwledging the individuality of the beloved you understand that you got to guard the space within, like a church does. Ah. Or sO!!!! excuse my confused and unconcice putting of thought...
who the fuck should i trust with my songs anyways
You know?
I thought, wow, next quarter I am gonna take this artist development class, I'd have to bring one or two songs every week and work them over with a singer/songwriter dude/dudessa. I thought, that would make me finally sit down and pin them down those freaking fleeting ideas!!!
But screw that!!! Who the fuck should I trust with my songs anyways? what about the good old gut feeling? I never believed really in that school stuff anyways. For technique - great!But otherwise???
I just realized today in songwriting class, that there are two things I should acknowledge: I should stop excusing myself and avoiding writing songs like the plague, and I should NOT work with a person on my songs that tries to help me to make them more accesible or streamlined or more senseful for the sake of an audience. Wait, somebody might say now, its not about that. It's about how you could improve the craft of songwriting!
Duh. That's for sure, I shouldn't excuse myself and be lazy, but I also shouldn't make backflips just for the sake of doing backflips. When will I realize, that I won't get into that no matter how much outer strutctures would force me to? What about taking myself seriously and jumping over that damn shadow and just writing songs for whatever reason I have written songs alwyas???!!!!!
I DON'T like writing songs over, I am not like Leonhard Cohen, who worked on Halleluja for a year. I am a Dylan person, of course I am NOT a female Bob Dylan, Lord, no! but what I mean to say is, I write a song of the top of my head, in like ten minutes, and if its not good, screw it! Next song!!!
Okay. so maybe I SHOULD work on them after all. But by myself or with whoever I happen to work with. Not with someone who will maybe, in the worst case, help me write popsongs. Beware...
Ah. Ah. Ah.!!!!!! I'm just writing that to convince myself...I 'm apparently not too sure myself whether I should believe myself or not.
I thought, wow, next quarter I am gonna take this artist development class, I'd have to bring one or two songs every week and work them over with a singer/songwriter dude/dudessa. I thought, that would make me finally sit down and pin them down those freaking fleeting ideas!!!
But screw that!!! Who the fuck should I trust with my songs anyways? what about the good old gut feeling? I never believed really in that school stuff anyways. For technique - great!But otherwise???
I just realized today in songwriting class, that there are two things I should acknowledge: I should stop excusing myself and avoiding writing songs like the plague, and I should NOT work with a person on my songs that tries to help me to make them more accesible or streamlined or more senseful for the sake of an audience. Wait, somebody might say now, its not about that. It's about how you could improve the craft of songwriting!
Duh. That's for sure, I shouldn't excuse myself and be lazy, but I also shouldn't make backflips just for the sake of doing backflips. When will I realize, that I won't get into that no matter how much outer strutctures would force me to? What about taking myself seriously and jumping over that damn shadow and just writing songs for whatever reason I have written songs alwyas???!!!!!
I DON'T like writing songs over, I am not like Leonhard Cohen, who worked on Halleluja for a year. I am a Dylan person, of course I am NOT a female Bob Dylan, Lord, no! but what I mean to say is, I write a song of the top of my head, in like ten minutes, and if its not good, screw it! Next song!!!
Okay. so maybe I SHOULD work on them after all. But by myself or with whoever I happen to work with. Not with someone who will maybe, in the worst case, help me write popsongs. Beware...
Ah. Ah. Ah.!!!!!! I'm just writing that to convince myself...I 'm apparently not too sure myself whether I should believe myself or not.
seed
One look in the eye is actually enough.
Of course, there are a lot of surprises out there. For example, when my teacher back in grammar school picked up this really boring, grey, dirty, rough stone, split it in half and showed us the violet christalls inside.
Now that I think of this image I might even go further and say: actually no surprises. I think that the eyes ARE the christals. Your outer appearance doesn't really really mean anything in the conventional way of thinking at least. But your eyes do. The saying that eyes are the window to the soul holds a lot of truth I feel.
I looked into her eye and I knew ever since I saw her the first time, that we would become friends. It is weird but very true. For example, this other girl looked interesting to me and we became 'friends' in a more superficial way, I had the best of intentions but life just showed that there is nothing deep to it.
But with her, there was something from the first time we met and I was cool with it. I didn't pursue a friendship with her, talking to her or anything, I knew and then let it just happen. I guess that's how I've found most of my friends outside my immediate surrounding back home. I just let it happen but most of the time I would know in advance, from one glance.
She is so beautiful. And now we are in a working group together in our singer songwriter's class and her silence speaks louder than anyone else in this room to me. Her smile, her eyes, her energy. It's a seed, a feeling, a potential, maybe it will unfold itself, maybe it will go past us like so many things in life. But one thing I know: She is a friend. And could be one for life, or at least, for a long period of time, as long as it would be important in our lives...
The same thing happened to me with T. I saw her in front of the school, sad I like her style of dressing and the second time we met we jumped into each other's arms. We JUST KNEW. It's so weird, but it's simply like that.
Also with K. He and I knew from the first time we took time to really see the other person and talk, that we'd be good friends. In a sense that is OUTSIDE the box. you know, it doesn't actually matter in this case whether or not we'd do a lot together or talk to each other frequently. The point is, that when we do, IT MATTERS. every and each time.
seeds.
Of course, there are a lot of surprises out there. For example, when my teacher back in grammar school picked up this really boring, grey, dirty, rough stone, split it in half and showed us the violet christalls inside.
Now that I think of this image I might even go further and say: actually no surprises. I think that the eyes ARE the christals. Your outer appearance doesn't really really mean anything in the conventional way of thinking at least. But your eyes do. The saying that eyes are the window to the soul holds a lot of truth I feel.
I looked into her eye and I knew ever since I saw her the first time, that we would become friends. It is weird but very true. For example, this other girl looked interesting to me and we became 'friends' in a more superficial way, I had the best of intentions but life just showed that there is nothing deep to it.
But with her, there was something from the first time we met and I was cool with it. I didn't pursue a friendship with her, talking to her or anything, I knew and then let it just happen. I guess that's how I've found most of my friends outside my immediate surrounding back home. I just let it happen but most of the time I would know in advance, from one glance.
She is so beautiful. And now we are in a working group together in our singer songwriter's class and her silence speaks louder than anyone else in this room to me. Her smile, her eyes, her energy. It's a seed, a feeling, a potential, maybe it will unfold itself, maybe it will go past us like so many things in life. But one thing I know: She is a friend. And could be one for life, or at least, for a long period of time, as long as it would be important in our lives...
The same thing happened to me with T. I saw her in front of the school, sad I like her style of dressing and the second time we met we jumped into each other's arms. We JUST KNEW. It's so weird, but it's simply like that.
Also with K. He and I knew from the first time we took time to really see the other person and talk, that we'd be good friends. In a sense that is OUTSIDE the box. you know, it doesn't actually matter in this case whether or not we'd do a lot together or talk to each other frequently. The point is, that when we do, IT MATTERS. every and each time.
seeds.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
huge halls with parquet floor
huge halls with parquet floor, big windowscreens.
somebody said we used to sit down and drink hot chocolate and wine together. his mom came in the room, with flowers, no, she doesn't drink, she said, ain't that right?
her eyes piercing, i decide to be honest: I used to drink a little, but I don't anymore.
Well, she says, that's what you get now and locks the cupboards. I suppose they contain alcohol, my love is feeling uncomfortable...
I am cooking, and this since a while. I keep asking him, do you want Pastrami? Do you want Pastrami? Finally he answers, all concentrated on his mom, no, I already get some. It feels weird, even in the dream. I mumble something like 'funny, huh, now you have two women cook for you...' In my pan there is eggs, some bread and I add Mozarella. It melts away like butter.
In this moment his dad comes by, gives him a huge hug, I see it from the corner of my eyes, don't really dare to look.
what a devastating woman you have to work with he says warmly and devastating is apparently a really positive word, as he likes me, and what the heck, I mean, it 's a dream, so anything can mean anything.
there are other people, that i know, but I don't remember. Whether or not. What I remember are the
parquet floors, huge, two huge halls. And I see myself dancing through them, art installations, making music....
I turn to my love and say: we should ask your Mom, whether she was serious that we could have this place. And I shake my head in disbelief as to how freaking ridiculously huge this place is.
And I am cooking...
somebody said we used to sit down and drink hot chocolate and wine together. his mom came in the room, with flowers, no, she doesn't drink, she said, ain't that right?
her eyes piercing, i decide to be honest: I used to drink a little, but I don't anymore.
Well, she says, that's what you get now and locks the cupboards. I suppose they contain alcohol, my love is feeling uncomfortable...
I am cooking, and this since a while. I keep asking him, do you want Pastrami? Do you want Pastrami? Finally he answers, all concentrated on his mom, no, I already get some. It feels weird, even in the dream. I mumble something like 'funny, huh, now you have two women cook for you...' In my pan there is eggs, some bread and I add Mozarella. It melts away like butter.
In this moment his dad comes by, gives him a huge hug, I see it from the corner of my eyes, don't really dare to look.
what a devastating woman you have to work with he says warmly and devastating is apparently a really positive word, as he likes me, and what the heck, I mean, it 's a dream, so anything can mean anything.
there are other people, that i know, but I don't remember. Whether or not. What I remember are the
parquet floors, huge, two huge halls. And I see myself dancing through them, art installations, making music....
I turn to my love and say: we should ask your Mom, whether she was serious that we could have this place. And I shake my head in disbelief as to how freaking ridiculously huge this place is.
And I am cooking...
Saturday, May 20, 2006
stream of consciesness
The sun kisses the morning like a lover who hasn’t seen his beloved one for a decade.
Like in a foggy autumn song the rest of the world slowly disappears on the horizon.
Long forgotten dreams of sailing ships and stunningly huge whales that display a grace of a ballet dancer in the water go back to sleep.
French accordions and blurred visions of a bohemian life style try to stretch and fill up the space within. Let me out, they beg, let me out but the sun has long decided to go on a race with the moon which she will never win.
Slow down screams the crow that is sitting on the windowsill. A cold breeze reveals the truth behind the sunny illusions of a sweet Californian morning. Slow down.
I’ve had it says the squirrel and chases his friends away. Drumbeats fill me up now from the toes to my bouncing head. I have loved and I will always.
Even though you might not like it, I am the moon.
Friday, May 19, 2006
lay lady lay
I am not used to have a constant critic except for this mean petty one in my own head.
It's just an idea that popped into my head but it deserves some exploration and consideration.
If I really think about it... It's kind of rediculous, but this moment in which my German and History teacher put me down in front of the whole class after I held a report on the Cashmir conflict in India and Pakistan was really one of the most outstanding experiences in my entire school career. I mean, I wouldn't remember it that clearly and vividly otherwise, would I? The point was, that he said that someone with my IQ should have delivered a report of an entirely different format. I know that this sounds really akward and absurd in a way, but I knew what he meant. It's a fact that I tried to deny but have to come to accept, that I have talents and that having talents also brings along some responsibility to use them right.
I FUCKING hate that. But that's maybe why I pretended and felt really stupid during those last years. When I just think of the year in the college. I was so good at feeling stupid and unintellectual and untalented in academic terms.
People get so freaking easily impressed. And it's so freaking easy to feed off that impression you make, this sparkeling magical amazing energy. Maybe I am just an old jealous bitch, maybe I am jealous of my beloved sister who isn't afraid of being so amazing and magical and mysteriously awesome as she is, in fact. When she visited me in Berlin at my college she took me aside and told me, hey, you shouldn't put yourself down all the time in front of your friends. There is nothing wrong with being talented and colorful like you are. You make them feel stupid when you do that.
She was right, dude, I either should have hid everything away or not put myself down otherwise. Acrobatics, painting, fireswinging, singing, organizing, partying, loving, all these things... I displayed them freely.
Music.
I can't write songs because the critic in my head is too strong.
That's so fucking vain and stupid if you ask me. This has to stop!
So lets get back to the point: This one time in school when my history teacher critized me I was positively surprised. I loved that. But , here 's the point, he was a CONSTRUCTIVE critic. He told me and let me know that he believes in me being able to do better.
The prof's in my college didn't really care maybe. They maybe just didn't know I could do better. I knew. I had to prove it to myself, locking myself up for almost a week, writing an essay that actually meant something to me and I got an A+ for it minus the plus acutally, becuase i was late. But who freaking cares. I didn't.
Now I am with my love and he critizes me a lot. And it sucks. I want someone next to me, who encourages me and brings me up instead of down. But wait, I am wrong about that, lately he started encouraging and complementing me on my music (which the critic in my head thinks is absolutely ridiculous and weird and undeserved) .... and so here it goes, the idea that popped into my head, while listening to Bob Dylan:
Maybe I am just not used to having a constant critic. And maybe that's exactly what i was looking for. Nobody said that you won't feel like running away once you found what you were looking for.
But oh it is so difficult to live with a critic. But then again, working out is always healthy (to some extend I know I know) and maybe that's just a work out for me, yeah and maybe also to give the critic in my head a little vacation..
I LOVE YOU DANY
It's just an idea that popped into my head but it deserves some exploration and consideration.
If I really think about it... It's kind of rediculous, but this moment in which my German and History teacher put me down in front of the whole class after I held a report on the Cashmir conflict in India and Pakistan was really one of the most outstanding experiences in my entire school career. I mean, I wouldn't remember it that clearly and vividly otherwise, would I? The point was, that he said that someone with my IQ should have delivered a report of an entirely different format. I know that this sounds really akward and absurd in a way, but I knew what he meant. It's a fact that I tried to deny but have to come to accept, that I have talents and that having talents also brings along some responsibility to use them right.
I FUCKING hate that. But that's maybe why I pretended and felt really stupid during those last years. When I just think of the year in the college. I was so good at feeling stupid and unintellectual and untalented in academic terms.
People get so freaking easily impressed. And it's so freaking easy to feed off that impression you make, this sparkeling magical amazing energy. Maybe I am just an old jealous bitch, maybe I am jealous of my beloved sister who isn't afraid of being so amazing and magical and mysteriously awesome as she is, in fact. When she visited me in Berlin at my college she took me aside and told me, hey, you shouldn't put yourself down all the time in front of your friends. There is nothing wrong with being talented and colorful like you are. You make them feel stupid when you do that.
She was right, dude, I either should have hid everything away or not put myself down otherwise. Acrobatics, painting, fireswinging, singing, organizing, partying, loving, all these things... I displayed them freely.
Music.
I can't write songs because the critic in my head is too strong.
That's so fucking vain and stupid if you ask me. This has to stop!
So lets get back to the point: This one time in school when my history teacher critized me I was positively surprised. I loved that. But , here 's the point, he was a CONSTRUCTIVE critic. He told me and let me know that he believes in me being able to do better.
The prof's in my college didn't really care maybe. They maybe just didn't know I could do better. I knew. I had to prove it to myself, locking myself up for almost a week, writing an essay that actually meant something to me and I got an A+ for it minus the plus acutally, becuase i was late. But who freaking cares. I didn't.
Now I am with my love and he critizes me a lot. And it sucks. I want someone next to me, who encourages me and brings me up instead of down. But wait, I am wrong about that, lately he started encouraging and complementing me on my music (which the critic in my head thinks is absolutely ridiculous and weird and undeserved) .... and so here it goes, the idea that popped into my head, while listening to Bob Dylan:
Maybe I am just not used to having a constant critic. And maybe that's exactly what i was looking for. Nobody said that you won't feel like running away once you found what you were looking for.
But oh it is so difficult to live with a critic. But then again, working out is always healthy (to some extend I know I know) and maybe that's just a work out for me, yeah and maybe also to give the critic in my head a little vacation..
I LOVE YOU DANY
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Mr. Wonderful
I stole that title from introspectre (www.introspectre.blogspot.com) to be honest...
But it is so most suitable for my current situation :)
I justed wanted to say. ahhh, shout it out into the blogosphere and all my friends who maybe happen to check back with me on this blog...
: My lover, my love, my 'gypsy' is the most wonderful person on this entire planet of mine!!!!
He is, indeed, Mr. Wonderful in my universe and yesterday night as I was falling asleep it crossed my mind like the thousandst time that I am such
such
such
a
lucky
girl
But it is so most suitable for my current situation :)
I justed wanted to say. ahhh, shout it out into the blogosphere and all my friends who maybe happen to check back with me on this blog...
: My lover, my love, my 'gypsy' is the most wonderful person on this entire planet of mine!!!!
He is, indeed, Mr. Wonderful in my universe and yesterday night as I was falling asleep it crossed my mind like the thousandst time that I am such
such
such
a
lucky
girl
Thursday, May 11, 2006
girlfriend
you are such a good girlfriend he said.
and i know he really meant it. i don't write that down here to show off or shed a good light on yours truly, nope, it is a little bit more complicated than that. the point is, that ever since i have had crushes on boys I felt that there is this HUGE love inside of me, that I've always kind of been afraid, it would overwhelm or crush the beloved one and would turn them away from me. I don't know, maybe that's why I always told them off and plunged into 'good cause' projects during my early teenage years, living this love in a way that wouldn't hurt anybody. I remember sitting on a meadow in my home village one day, I think I was 15 or 16 or so and went through an essential sense-of-life-crisis, I had my piano scores with me and jotted my thoughts down on the backside and cried and sobbed and cried and cried and cried and it felt like I couldn't ever stop.
The pressure was big, my teachers and my mom and sometimes also my dad would tell me stuff like 'G, you have big tasks waiting out there for you. you can really make a difference, you have so many assets you can do it lalalalala'.
the problem was, I really felt I wanted to do something, too. I loved and still love this world to death. I love human beings in all their beauty and misery, I love animals and plants and trees and rocks and oceans and mountains and clouds and thunderstorms.
But I didn't want any of this. In actuality I expected a lot from myself too, but in the end I was longing out for shared love, like any of us. And it was so hard to accept that I couldn't have it. Me having a boyfriend was just - out of the question in a way.
This is one of the reasons why I was so desperately sad when things didn't work out with my ex in Berlin last year. I really wanted to love but, yeah, I guess we all learn at some point that you can't make yourself fall in love like that at all. My sister claims it is possible but I can't do it.
I was a horrible girlfriend, honestly, I was such a jerk. I was cute maybe, but that's old news. I wasn't a good girlfriend, period. And maybe that was one of the most disappointing and disillusioning things to happen to me then.
Because I always somehow felt that I would be the BEST girlfriend on the earth, I would say to myself silently when i was in love with someone but didn't dare to show, 'he's such a jerk, he doesn't see me, I would be the best girlfriend he ever had and will ever have' but of course the respective boy wouldn't hear my thoughts at all. Dah.
Well anyways, to bring this to an end, the fact that my love told me that shows me one very very important thing: I am really REALLY IN LOVE this time. this is the love I was hoping and waiting for all this time. And I wasn't wrong maybe after all, about my feeling that I would be a good girlfriend.....
It s just that I love this guy way way way way way way much. He's the best boyfriend and best man and best friend and person in my life.
and i know he really meant it. i don't write that down here to show off or shed a good light on yours truly, nope, it is a little bit more complicated than that. the point is, that ever since i have had crushes on boys I felt that there is this HUGE love inside of me, that I've always kind of been afraid, it would overwhelm or crush the beloved one and would turn them away from me. I don't know, maybe that's why I always told them off and plunged into 'good cause' projects during my early teenage years, living this love in a way that wouldn't hurt anybody. I remember sitting on a meadow in my home village one day, I think I was 15 or 16 or so and went through an essential sense-of-life-crisis, I had my piano scores with me and jotted my thoughts down on the backside and cried and sobbed and cried and cried and cried and it felt like I couldn't ever stop.
The pressure was big, my teachers and my mom and sometimes also my dad would tell me stuff like 'G, you have big tasks waiting out there for you. you can really make a difference, you have so many assets you can do it lalalalala'.
the problem was, I really felt I wanted to do something, too. I loved and still love this world to death. I love human beings in all their beauty and misery, I love animals and plants and trees and rocks and oceans and mountains and clouds and thunderstorms.
But I didn't want any of this. In actuality I expected a lot from myself too, but in the end I was longing out for shared love, like any of us. And it was so hard to accept that I couldn't have it. Me having a boyfriend was just - out of the question in a way.
This is one of the reasons why I was so desperately sad when things didn't work out with my ex in Berlin last year. I really wanted to love but, yeah, I guess we all learn at some point that you can't make yourself fall in love like that at all. My sister claims it is possible but I can't do it.
I was a horrible girlfriend, honestly, I was such a jerk. I was cute maybe, but that's old news. I wasn't a good girlfriend, period. And maybe that was one of the most disappointing and disillusioning things to happen to me then.
Because I always somehow felt that I would be the BEST girlfriend on the earth, I would say to myself silently when i was in love with someone but didn't dare to show, 'he's such a jerk, he doesn't see me, I would be the best girlfriend he ever had and will ever have' but of course the respective boy wouldn't hear my thoughts at all. Dah.
Well anyways, to bring this to an end, the fact that my love told me that shows me one very very important thing: I am really REALLY IN LOVE this time. this is the love I was hoping and waiting for all this time. And I wasn't wrong maybe after all, about my feeling that I would be a good girlfriend.....
It s just that I love this guy way way way way way way much. He's the best boyfriend and best man and best friend and person in my life.
limbo
it is so terrible to be in limbo
and see in the mirror
all the things
delayed
delayed
delayed
like a freaked out echo haunting you
in a bad dream
aww.
and see in the mirror
all the things
delayed
delayed
delayed
like a freaked out echo haunting you
in a bad dream
aww.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
teenage ghosts revisited
it is such a drag to be a teenager. i don't know about boys, but for girls, i don't know. there are a FEW girls who don't experience the whole media worsened dilemma 'i'm too fat' and everybody knows how much it sucks to here that from someone. it's like, come on, give me a break.
i went through this whole thing too, and as I am just a big girl kind of, I am tall and have broad shoulders and wrists (compared to my sister at least) I just felt always too heavy and tall and big and fat although I had a real athletic body back in the days. Which brings me to the next point: i am bigger now than back then but i've been quite happy with myself since quite a while. I just don't weigh myself anymore as neurotically as I did back then (like every time I went into the bathroom i hopped on the scale. tzn tzn) and I don't look at myself with too much of an critical eye anymore, when I look into the mirror.
being intimate with guys though brings in every girl this teenager up again, and although we try more or less successfully to control and monitor that annoying bitch within ourselves it can be at times more than annoying.
especially when you think about how fucking absolutely unneccessary those worries are. dude, there are people DYING out there. just get over it already!
but I think every woman on this planet who is actually in the luxurious position to worry about bullshit like that will agree with me: upcoming period worsens it. hormons to prevent pregnancy often worsen it.
it s like 'i am such a fat cow'. at times.
at times
i went through this whole thing too, and as I am just a big girl kind of, I am tall and have broad shoulders and wrists (compared to my sister at least) I just felt always too heavy and tall and big and fat although I had a real athletic body back in the days. Which brings me to the next point: i am bigger now than back then but i've been quite happy with myself since quite a while. I just don't weigh myself anymore as neurotically as I did back then (like every time I went into the bathroom i hopped on the scale. tzn tzn) and I don't look at myself with too much of an critical eye anymore, when I look into the mirror.
being intimate with guys though brings in every girl this teenager up again, and although we try more or less successfully to control and monitor that annoying bitch within ourselves it can be at times more than annoying.
especially when you think about how fucking absolutely unneccessary those worries are. dude, there are people DYING out there. just get over it already!
but I think every woman on this planet who is actually in the luxurious position to worry about bullshit like that will agree with me: upcoming period worsens it. hormons to prevent pregnancy often worsen it.
it s like 'i am such a fat cow'. at times.
at times
follow up
it was this morning...
she left and the sun was shining
and the palm trees were sweet like always so blue in the sky
and ..
she left..
but i dried my tears now and in this moment, when we were there, it was so weird how aware I became of all the precious moments together... these were the good old days right there wifie!!!
so here the follow up to the last poem that i wrote apparently...
you lose track of me
and then you bark
like an angry small dog
and frown your teeth
while i'm trying
to find the keys and get back in.
feeling sick
like an old radio -
switch the light on
you look like a warrior
in your pretty tourquoiseteors
and your lips
and your hair
and your fingertips
and your flaming into the sky.
and to be honest, i have no idea, or wait, i do, it was about the dude you lived with klodi, you know who! i mean the first part of the poem......
she left and the sun was shining
and the palm trees were sweet like always so blue in the sky
and ..
she left..
but i dried my tears now and in this moment, when we were there, it was so weird how aware I became of all the precious moments together... these were the good old days right there wifie!!!
so here the follow up to the last poem that i wrote apparently...
you lose track of me
and then you bark
like an angry small dog
and frown your teeth
while i'm trying
to find the keys and get back in.
feeling sick
like an old radio -
switch the light on
you look like a warrior
in your pretty tourquoiseteors
and your lips
and your hair
and your fingertips
and your flaming into the sky.
and to be honest, i have no idea, or wait, i do, it was about the dude you lived with klodi, you know who! i mean the first part of the poem......
Friday, May 05, 2006
unknown poetry
Today
my 'wife' sent me poetry she said she thought I might want to read...
and at the very bottom of the various poems
I started laughing
like crazy
and I laughed and I cried
and remembered this morning
when she left back home to Albania
us sitting at the peaceful morning sun pool
I was jotting some thoughts on a napkin
and gave it to her before she left
and I guess
this unknown poetry
might be
by
me... lol
one example: (rest will follow)
the water in the pool
fears the glamour of shimmer
and the palm trees whisper
sweet nithings
into the wind
So as to tell the sky
That they are, still, unwillingly
after all,
despite it all
in love .
my 'wife' sent me poetry she said she thought I might want to read...
and at the very bottom of the various poems
I started laughing
like crazy
and I laughed and I cried
and remembered this morning
when she left back home to Albania
us sitting at the peaceful morning sun pool
I was jotting some thoughts on a napkin
and gave it to her before she left
and I guess
this unknown poetry
might be
by
me... lol
one example: (rest will follow)
the water in the pool
fears the glamour of shimmer
and the palm trees whisper
sweet nithings
into the wind
So as to tell the sky
That they are, still, unwillingly
after all,
despite it all
in love .
Thursday, April 27, 2006
good morning
in the morning
she fell in love all over again
or maybe
maybe
she just loved
and maybe
it wasn't falling
but maybe she actually
flew
she fell in love all over again
or maybe
maybe
she just loved
and maybe
it wasn't falling
but maybe she actually
flew
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
lessons to be learned
she said, Hey
you retransformed into the J I love the most!
and I smiled
I know
but...there are always lessons to be learned. and mistakes to be made. and forgiveness to be given. you know...
we all fall
like leaves
even in California they do
and they are so beautiful. beautifully falling
like you
you retransformed into the J I love the most!
and I smiled
I know
but...there are always lessons to be learned. and mistakes to be made. and forgiveness to be given. you know...
we all fall
like leaves
even in California they do
and they are so beautiful. beautifully falling
like you
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
overwhelming
When I was a child I had this deep deep feeling of trust in the most High. And I loved birds and was overwhelmed by the wide wide sky
Today I still am. But I have lost some of this certainty within. I have betrayed some of the most profound beliefs and convictions I had without even knowing where they came from. Maybe I had to lose them for a while to understand, that they, indeed, where not indoctrinated but were actually coming from within. And my parents made the way free for me to unfold my innermost feelings and thoughts.
Maybe, however, I was just spoiled by too many stories, especially tales about princesses or the litthe Jesus child.
I remember how one morning, my mother was making fire in the stove, I was lying in my bed and seriously contemplating on whether or not Jesus knew, as a child, that he was Jesus and if not, how I could know whether or not I was maybe Jesus too!
lol
wow, I don't know. What a child I was, really weird huh?
anyways. I was the third and in the fairy tales the third princess gets the prince
and I somehow believed in that, I always told guys off, even those I thought I was in love with too. I said 'well, if, then with the right one' but one day, one day i gave in and thought, well now, I gotta have my experiences too, and there was nothing wrong with that, actually, but in retrospect I totally have to say: man, they were not worth it after all. I might as well just have waited for HIM. that is for the guy I love so much.
The question, the burning question was always: HOW can I know, when something is true? How can I find the TRUTH? I was reaLLY bothered by that question. Would I realize, once he stood in front of me???
So I started listening to my heart, and training myself to learn how to distinguish between voices and the voice within.
And one day, I was standing under this tree:
With the guy I love so dearly now.
And I was leaning against him and felt a weird kind of trust and magic in my heart. And he called me a wild child and told me that he thought we should write this chapter together....
And today,
today I am so tired of all those games. Those games you are supposed to play in our society... I am tired of writing chapters or paragraphs, I freaking want to write a book. the neverending story. you know?
I am so tired of all those people in Hollywood who try to tell me that there is no such thing as staying together for ever and that it s all about how good the guy is in bed.
Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful! but i don't even think thats the point.
aargh.
I think, the point is, that we shouldn't let society dictate what we are supposed to do and stuff when we feel deeply. Of course, you have to listen to the voice of experience but more important: you have to listen to your heart.
I stopped doing that for a while
And now it feels like coming home:
Thats me, in the corner, losing and refinding my religion.
That's me, the third princess and I am waiting for my prince to solve the three riddles, fight the dragon, acquire his kingdom and then I will give him mine. And I will take his hand....
Today I still am. But I have lost some of this certainty within. I have betrayed some of the most profound beliefs and convictions I had without even knowing where they came from. Maybe I had to lose them for a while to understand, that they, indeed, where not indoctrinated but were actually coming from within. And my parents made the way free for me to unfold my innermost feelings and thoughts.
Maybe, however, I was just spoiled by too many stories, especially tales about princesses or the litthe Jesus child.
I remember how one morning, my mother was making fire in the stove, I was lying in my bed and seriously contemplating on whether or not Jesus knew, as a child, that he was Jesus and if not, how I could know whether or not I was maybe Jesus too!
lol
wow, I don't know. What a child I was, really weird huh?
anyways. I was the third and in the fairy tales the third princess gets the prince
and I somehow believed in that, I always told guys off, even those I thought I was in love with too. I said 'well, if, then with the right one' but one day, one day i gave in and thought, well now, I gotta have my experiences too, and there was nothing wrong with that, actually, but in retrospect I totally have to say: man, they were not worth it after all. I might as well just have waited for HIM. that is for the guy I love so much.
The question, the burning question was always: HOW can I know, when something is true? How can I find the TRUTH? I was reaLLY bothered by that question. Would I realize, once he stood in front of me???
So I started listening to my heart, and training myself to learn how to distinguish between voices and the voice within.
And one day, I was standing under this tree:
With the guy I love so dearly now.
And I was leaning against him and felt a weird kind of trust and magic in my heart. And he called me a wild child and told me that he thought we should write this chapter together....
And today,
today I am so tired of all those games. Those games you are supposed to play in our society... I am tired of writing chapters or paragraphs, I freaking want to write a book. the neverending story. you know?
I am so tired of all those people in Hollywood who try to tell me that there is no such thing as staying together for ever and that it s all about how good the guy is in bed.
Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful! but i don't even think thats the point.
aargh.
I think, the point is, that we shouldn't let society dictate what we are supposed to do and stuff when we feel deeply. Of course, you have to listen to the voice of experience but more important: you have to listen to your heart.
I stopped doing that for a while
And now it feels like coming home:
Thats me, in the corner, losing and refinding my religion.
That's me, the third princess and I am waiting for my prince to solve the three riddles, fight the dragon, acquire his kingdom and then I will give him mine. And I will take his hand....
Monday, April 24, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
is this love, is this love, is this love I am feeling
ahh. what a wonderful man
I love him so much, it s WEIRD. no. wait, it s BEAUTIFUL. some people here in hollywood keep telling me how life is disappointing and guys eventually will be too and stuff, and there is no such thing as staying together and shit, but hey, my parents did, whats your point motherfucker???
there is this guy, I had a crush on him in the beginning and he was all reserved and holding back and stuff, and as soon as I was with my love he started making moves on me, mf, hey, get your dirty phantasies out of my pants! i mean...I was flattered in a way, I m only human after all...but still...a phantasie of me being a farmers girl at 1945 (he is a sucker for WWII history and knows all the German words for the war terminology - WEIRD! -) and being raped by four russian guys is really way too far...of course, he can't help it if he has a certain phantasie that just pops up in his mind, but why, why did he tell me? yeah. to flatter and upset me. what the fuck. so now he started giving me shit how i don't give him hugs to say hi, when I am with my love. WTF? I mean, hey, I respect him, so I don't give guys a cordially hug that he knows I had a crush on back in the days. thats it. so he makes fun of me how stupid i am to be like that and how much i still have to learn and lalalla, you know what, he is 36 and doesn't believe in long term relationships. so fine. does that mean, that me too, I will eventually, inevitably grow to believe the same?
NOPE!
and you know why?
because i have a different outlook on life pothead!
dah.
so ANNOYING. and then he says ' you know G, we'll be friends for ever, I know that, you'll write me way much later and say 'hey sean, you were right with this and that'
RIGHT
i DON'T know, homey, if you can't respect that I am how I am and just make fun of it...so be it! I don't need that shit. AMEN.
I m still a life lover though :))
and smiles is what I can give plenty and for FREE, to everybody. to homeless people and to rich people i don't care. that's what I have and I can give, other than money for example!!!! and i mean it, too!!! I can even smile for this emeffing bitch J________. I mean, I forgive her. Or rather, let me put it this way 'Oh father, forgive them for they know not what they do..."
yeah, lauryn hill really beautifully sang this song by B. Marley....yeah. we all know where it comes from...the problem, however, might be, that she knew what she was doing. or wait, no, she didn't. She can't see HOW it is wrong for real what she is doing!!! *sigh* won't stop me from smiling though. I have so much trust in life, it is ridiculous.
ahh it s so cool to post pictures
so i am only slowly getting there..for example, i don't know yet how to actually know, which of the thousand pics i have is which so i just randomly clicked on two and am very curious which ones they are! lol
So Everybody, this is how a heppy G looks like!
The reason why she is so heppy is:
I am still in the city of Angels and I am actually finding ways of how to be balanced and heppy despite all the bullweird in Hollyweird...I mean, hey, a sparkeling, amazing, mind blowing lady named Amanda with who I hopefully will collaborate on doing an art- and music show, a good friend named Tiffany with who I collaborate on writing songs and a wife far away in Albania make it all happen after all. Ah, wait, having my own SPACE, in case I didn't mention that yet, is all the difference for my peace of mind TOO! There is nothing better than waking up in the morning, get out of bed NOT step on anything that is not yours, make some tea, listen to music I LIKE (not the eternal TV background I had to bare all the time at my sister's) and go about my business creates this space in my mind that reconnects me with my creative sources, I actually have creative ideas again and I am much happier than before.
AND DID I MENTION it is SO nice not to doubt and be intimate with random beautiful people? Dany does it all for me. Yeah.
so, these are good news I suppose
And now everybody, pray for me so the Liberal Arts College in Pennsylvania, haverford college, accepts my application, so i can study close to my dear sis Alexi, who is going to be in Connecticut next school year! Yippie yeah yeah!
love and smiles
G
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