betty

nick drake it is now and i emptied that whole bottle of red wine save one glass.
the urge to destruct is huge. getting drunk, smoking, just so i can believe the next day that this is truly not what i want or what i am about.

what is it!?

i see so many beautiful faces and people and still i can't just be there.
i met a man who touched my soul but who is not the right person to even go into more detail with. on the one hand i am so terribly idealistic, on the other hand so utterly destructive. i remember how me starting smoking coincided with the love of my youth telling me he had stopped. and now me starting to fancy drinking more, is coinciding with the love of my young life having stopped, with a woman who is not me.
i am not trying to draw comparisons here, i am just observing.
exams are drawing closer and i am flying away into a dark night, binging on caprese salad late at night, talking to guys who i know i can't love. what in the world is wrong with me, what have i gotten myself into!?

so it is nick drake again and i remember that night on hollywood blvd when i just walked because there was nothing else i could have thought of, looking for him, or maybe just someone, meeting those three kids who i never met thereafter. encounters that seem magic for a second just to move on and feel weird about how life goes.
she was a massage therapist as well, how big are the odds!?

but certain things really don't pertain to your life other than drawing the smirk of fate on your walls.

i am tired now, enticed by nick drake and really just floating away.
i wish i hope that i am not putting major stones in my way.
i hope i am okay.
i hope i will be alright.
i hope you are.
i hope it's okay.