bob dylan

So it worked all out! I took Amanda for her birthday to the Bob Dylan and His Band concert in Long Beach. We actually got to stand in the first row in front of the stage... I would have loved to take someone else special to me to this concert but you know how things work out...always different from what we think or wish. yeah. so that was amazingly beautiful. A big part of the joy and excitement came certainly from making this surprise. Amanda totally didn't know where we were going and I made this whole story up about how I was gonna take her to San Diego and lalala, maybe a ship ride, maybe the aquarium, maybe sth else? It was so great. Man, she really really didn't know where we were going. Then, the Convention Center in Long Beach happens to have whales and fish painted on the whales so she believed it was in fact the aquarium but she was wondering what in the hell all those people were doing who were sitting in line in front of it...
So i was going to take her to dinner first, as soon as I got the tickets, but on the way to find a restaurant she spied an advertisment for the concert and started screaming and I almost peed in my pants because I really needed to find a bathroom and us laughing like crazy really didn't help.... The concert was am-azing. Really awesomely great. I am so happy it all worked out....
First I didn't find my bank card which I needed to pick the tickets up at will call and then my sister's apartment was locked and the keys to the car where in there but I happened to have a copy of the key (which I forgot since I made it months and months ago, but oh, how clever that was!) and so we could finally hit the road. Her gorgeous boyfriend Noah drove us to Santa Monica and all in all it was a wonderful day that we started by hiking up Runyon Canyon and I love my life.
(pics will come later, blogger doesn't show the pick upload link thing right now..., but trust me, it was so amazing!!!!!)

OUR FIRST GIG!

We got our first gig!!! Damn, yeai, hooray! Yip yip yuppie!~
So Tiffany, Magnus, hopefully Miles and I and hopefully a yet to be found bass player are going to have a gig at Highland Grounds on November 3d, 2006, 11 PM!!!
Man, that's so great and so awesome I can't really explain how great that is because you'd have to be here to know... It's something else to play outside MI and it's not an open mic. We had such awesome energy at our first 'gig' (the finals concert for MI in the Knitting Factory when Tiffany graduated) on stage...it was amazing. (this pic is her, me at the left (half of me) and miles in the background...we dressed up like pirates kinda, i even wore an eye patch and it was hell of irritating to play with only one eye!) And I can't wait to be on stage again and rock it with those amazing people. Tiffany is a really great singer, she has great lyrics and I love love love her songs.
Yeai! I wish you all could be here! If you are, come by!
We'll rock your night....

reminder

It just seems as if I couldn't listen to a couple of certain songs during this time of the month, you know, when women get all fragile and emotional, built close to the water, they say.
I don't know anymore what is the illusion. Is it me convincing myself that everything is okay (because it has to) or is it me thinking that it isn't, after all (because the song reminds me of you)? It's just sometimes, I just wish. You know, that I could be with you. And share so much more. Oh well. It's all over now baby blue. 'Leave your stepping stones behind you something calls for you....Forget the dead you left, they won't follow you...Strike another match, start anew....'
Maybe I have to follow my dad's advice and in order to find out what i REALLY feel I would have to stop listening to music completely.
that would be an interesting experiment, huh?
And I see myself already vanishing, reluctantly of course, and next summer I will probably (hopefully) spend in Romania, where your father came from (Transsylvania),
and then I will reside in the beautiful city of Dresden (hopefully, if they accept me at the TU)
(I've actually slept under this bridge in 2001 or so...when I was on a trip through Germany with my sister. We slept at the craziest places imaginable and the bridge just was one of them...)
and I will just be alright, I guess. Assumably.
I hope that I can meet my Godfather and play some guitar with him. Maybe get 'Sara' and 'One more cup of coffee' down, possible 'Lay Lady Lay'...
You know, looking at pics for Dresden I just realized: they, too, rebuild it, after total destruction. I guess the same is possible with just about everything and everyone. no!? Look, how beautiful the 'Frauenkirche' is now,
after so many years of reconstructing (the black stones in the walls are from the ruins...go figure!). I remember when we were in Dresden for the first time and I was maybe 11 and saw my dad cry for the first time in my life. He stood in front of the church and cried. I remember thinking: how can my dad cry??? It moved me more than anything before I think. It was a historic moment for some reason.
That's how this beautiful church used to be, she was Dresden's pride and love:

heppy birthday

so it's your 21 birthday -finally!
and I wish you just the best of luck and love. the thing is, as soon as you realise it, you will see that you deserve all of it. why wait any longer for the world to begin? you can have it, your cake and eat it too! (lay lady lay still just makes me so heppy. I could listen to it days and days in a row and never get tired of it!)

most of all, however, I wish you plenty plenty of children to be around you and in your life, always and forever because you are the best with them!!!

and I wish for you to look at the sky every day and every night and praise the beauty of God in everything and sing a little song in your heart for every day is a good day to live and a good day to die. And continue blessing the world with your charme and your smiles and your love and your strength and keep asking for wisdom.....for when we ask it will be given to us. :) Just knock at the door, and there is nothing that is impossible, really...
And...children are everywhere!

You will be all right.


And I Love You!

why OH why

are babies and children so DAMN CUTE????!!!!!
Ah!!!!!!!
Today I felt like a mom. I felt the adorable weight of a baby on my hips as she was snugging her cute little face into the corner between my head and shoulders... Her tiny little hands held mine with a surprising strength and her eyes looked like two black seas. Her sister, four years old, has curly hair and reminded me of course of Dany, well, oh well, and she was the CUTEST GIRL ever! How she squinted her eyes when she was laughing, and how quickly she forgot aobut her crying when she fell and I told her a German saying that blows the pain - wush! - away!
The two little twin boys I am nannying are as well just overwhelmingly awesome. Sometimes, however, I have the feeling as if they were blaming me for taking their mom away from them. Well. It's not easy when the mom is actually still in the house. But both parents work from home so that makes it a little difficult.

Oh man, as I was standing outside the house, with the baby on my arm and watching for the kids playing in the street I overwhelmingly felt how everything that is motherly and female inside of me just streamed together in one sweet spot and rekindled the wish to have my own kids soon. It just would be great. I would be a great mom and it would be all I would want to do.
HAHA~!
But I am NOT KIDDING!
But for now I will just take care of other people's kids. lol
I am still waiting... for YOU!

why OH why

are babies and children so DAMN CUTE????!!!!!
Ah!!!!!!!
Today I felt like a mom. I felt the adorable weight of a baby on my hips as she was snugging her cute little face into the corner between my head and shoulders... Her tiny little hands held mine with a surprising strength and her eyes looked like two black seas. Her sister, four years old, has curly hair and reminded me of course of Dany, well, oh well, and she was the CUTEST GIRL ever! How she squinted her eyes when she was laughing, and how quickly she forgot aobut her crying when she fell and I told her a German saying that blows the pain - wush! - away!
The two little twin boys I am nannying are as well just overwhelmingly awesome. Sometimes, however, I have the feeling as if they were blaming me for taking their mom away from them. Well. It's not easy when the mom is actually still in the house. But both parents work from home so that makes it a little difficult.

Oh man, as I was standing outside the house, with the baby on my arm and watching for the kids playing in the street I overwhelmingly felt how everything that is motherly and female inside of me just streamed together in one sweet spot and rekindled the wish to have my own kids soon. It just would be great. I would be a great mom and it would be all I would want to do.
HAHA~!
But I am NOT KIDDING!
But for now I will just take care of other people's kids. lol
I am still waiting... for YOU!

remember

when you told me to download the Eagles' 'peaceful easy feeling' since it made you think of me and made you feel good?
this song makes me feel good, and i guess it's more the sound than the lyrics that makes me so heppy, but after looking the lyrics up i found them to be really - err, nice :)


my second day as a nanny passed and you will soon get the update about THAT! I have to really COME TO TERMS with that whole thing, so I wait until my first day frustration has settled. the second day was already better and i didn't choke or throw up or start screaming when the lady told me in all earnesty that the two carpets in the 'living room' (looks more like a *uhm* museum room, but OH WELL!) are worth like 'literally two cars!'

WOW.

okay but the boys are sweeties. and waldorf kids, i.e. they are very easy to play with. no jumping around from one thing to the next every minute. they actually can sit down and DO and PLAY something for a loooong time.

:)

santa barbara, oh santa barbara

I came to St Barbara to 'clear' my mind. You know. Give this little voice within a chance to talk to me.
Or so I thought. As always in life, it all turned out differently...
I spent the last couple of days with my beloved oldest aunt from Alaska. Amazing wonder woman. Sometimes I think my Mom is here, makes me miss her more and love her more and for some reason I start to get to know my MOM in a new way, because I get to know her sister!
It is fun-tastic. She is my birdy-aunt. I can relate! And we are spinning a lot of stories, it is incredibly inspiring and it does change a lot inside myself. Well, oh well, maybe it wasn't my little voice that I needed to hear but hers!!!!
So I am in Santa Barbara, in the triangle that is called 'the paradise'. This is how you get up here, when you take the pacific coast highway:

Isn't it just in-cre-di-ble!

So although I really talk a LOT just about everything with my gorgeous awesome aunt, I also WALK a lot at the beach and enjoy the sun and the full moon reflecting in the eternally crashing waves... they crash the same way, you know, as they did back when Homer wrote or told the Odysee!

So yesterday was full moon and my aunt and my cousins' daugther and I ran to the beach to be silly and fullmoony. Sang songs and danced in the sand... and there was a dad with his two kids who was fishing, and he just caught a fish when we arrived and we asked him whether he eats them or puts them back into the water and he said, oh well, we put them back, we don't know how good they taste! My Alaskan aunt just stared at me, (she is 64 but totally doesn't seem like that! or if so, just in the perfect positive sense) and suddenly she mumbled 'straaange!' and started giggeling and we had to run away because it was so hilarious and funny.

And when I came back from an extremely long walk today, during which I realized that my oldest sister is incredibly admirable and amazing in what she is doing and accomplishing with my niece's career I saw a seal on a rock!!! I haven't seen seals around here yet! Oh! so pretty!!!!!!! And I met Alissa and Kimberly, two adorable girls, half Italian, half American and Alissa helped me paint my aquarell painting and Kimberly was amazing in doing acrobatics with me~! I just LOVE kids. And I am just so helplessly un-business-savy, it's sad, almost. I could have probably pitched myself as a great nanny, and give them my number, i mean, who knows, they are probably filthy rich St. Barbarians! But i didn't because somehow I don't like doing it. WHATEVER! It was so much FUN!

and on the way back I saw all those birds... and I was just...

HEPPY

that's the kind..

..of art projects that i get excited about...

I could probably come up with an explanation why but I guess I won't now. It's three AM and I just had a gorgeous three hour conversation with my oldest aunt from Alaska. It was so exciting and interesting to hear about her life and her perspective on things. I can't explain how thrilled I really am. She is my 'birdy' aunt and we definitely share the love for those sweet beings on our precious blue planet:
she has actually an exciting bird project going on in Alaska right now, documenting and recording and filming the Alaskan singbirds...

and man, it took me 23 years to be able to talk to her for real, since we never really had a chance, plus, I was always just a kid in the flood of cousins that gather yearly in Alaska (well I did only once in five years or so but I mingled anyhow with the rest of the crowd)
I love my family, that's all i can say at this point. It is exciting to be part of a large family and man, it is funny to listen to all those stories - it is funnier than many a sitcom I've seen. She is probably right when she says that a docu of their family meetings in which they try to manage the heritage, the land and the childhood issues would make look the Osbournes normal.
And I understand and see my Mom suddenly from a whole new angle. Oh Mom I love you so much...!!!
so much for late night rambling!
Good Night everybody

the small and the powerful

I was never afraid to suffer. Neither did I deny when I suffered. In a way I think I've always been a very altruistic kind of person. As soon as I woke up from my beautiful childhood dreams I started to suffer: the extinction of animals, the plight of the whales, the pollution of the planet, the poor and the weak. It's hard for me to walk past a homeless person or a beggar, it is wonderful for me when i can at least give a comforting smile or word, in case they happen to look into my eyes when i walk by. It is interesting how often they do not because they are not used to being looked at like human beings. I just say hello or Good Morning to the residentials in Hollywood and it took one guy approximately three weeks to realize that I actually mean him when I say Good Morning.

I found this little story, accompanying a picture of a north hollywood homeless guy on flickr: (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static.flickr.com/55/124554077_f1b3b19fc4_m.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/zollo/with/124554079/&h=213&w=240&sz=33&hl=en&start=20&tbnid=cvfmAadKiY25MM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhomeless%2Bin%2Bhollywood%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DG) i know i know that sucks, but hey this link thing doesn't show on safari! hey, blogger! can you change that for me????

Anyways, here the story and the pic:

Homeless
in North Hollywood, he's
from Massachusetts, and said, "What was it that Three Dog Night said? Get rid of all the cars and all the wars?"

I gave him a cup of the sangria I was drinking, and he sat down at a nearby table to enjoy the free concert. My son and I were listening to the music, too, and he came over and showed us a little scar on his hand, and said, "Know what that is? A squirrel bite."

A few moments later, an elderly woman sitting near him came up to complain to me for giving him sangria,
saying that he smelled bad and now would stay. I didn't know what to say to her, and my little son was angry at her for saying that, knowing she has a shower in her home that Erik doesn't have. Then the woman complained to the owner of the cafe, who insisted that Erik leave, which really upset my son, who started to cry, and told me to please call the cops,
and have the cafe man fired for not being nice. I told him the cops wouldn't do that, but he didn't understand, and was upset most of the night. When we got home, he asked to see Erik's picture, and we both agreed that he has a nice face.



You know...these are the kind of stories that totally show a child's mind, well, at least how my mind worked too. And still does.
Mother Theresa is a woman who inspires me beyond words.
she is the one who pinpoints it so well: "You can’t do great things in this life…
You can do only little things with GREAT LOVE."

Great expectations often just hinder our doing. Everything has to be ready, this and that has to happen first and lalalalala. no! Even if we DO pursue 'greater goals' we still can and should do the little things with GREAT LOVE every day.


I think a lot about how much I love you and how I love and about love and how everything is alright.

I think about what I do and what I want to do and about how beautiful this world still is.
And I think about the small and the powerful. It's so funny how I met this girl in the greyhound bus to St. Barbara. When I travel I am always extremely alert and energetic, just thrilled to be on the road again. I feel most comfortable and ironically 'at home' when I am on the road. So you meet the right people to the right time and we were exactly the right people for each other. She studies international relations and political sciences and works in Mali for an NGO as a Grant Writer. It was extremely interesting to hear about her work and studies, since it is exactly what I want to do (spare the political sciences!). We both agreed on the predicament that although the powerful do have powers to change things in a bigger way it becomes less and less attractive and meaningful or senseful to go down this way since the real deal maybe, after all, really lies in the small. Just as Mother Theresa says, wherever God has put you, there is your vocation. I totally think she is right except for God has put me into a situation that is so blessed that I can choose where to go from there. I know that at home there is stuff to do too, but maybe I will go somewhere else. Who knows, but I guess what it boils down to is, that you just have to do what you do, but this with love. And if you become a figure like Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela then only because you did what you had to do. Not because you wanted to be powerful in the first place. But because you loved.

Good night everybody!

life and love

You told me once, i remember even where you stood saying this, that sometimes in life you have to choose between love and life. I was going to chose love I guess but somehow I wounded up with life here....
And it too, is beautiful, my love:

Thinking about this, however, I found this only to be half true, because for some reason life and love has never really been two different things for me. Life has always been intrinsically connected to love and vice versa. I remember walking down the street to Buehlers in my little black forest hometown, I was maybe 12 or so and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that my love for this earth and for this life expanded so much that I felt the whole earth ball under my feet and I lay down in the grass, with my face down to the ground and hugged aned embraced the whole planet with my whole heart. And I always loved the whole world and in the same time little details like little flowers at the curb or the beautiful details of a saddle...

I think I know though what you meant. Love between a man and a woman is special, it is not this unconditional general kind of love. It is more specific and being with a person demands at times sacrifices in your lifestyle or even in the direction you thought your life would take, professionally or socially.
The best example for this is the princess who falls in love with the poor man and decides to live a life in poverty but in love with him.
I totally would do that.
But then too, I think and feel that God wouldn't give us a mission in life and a man/woman that doesn't match it. Before we really know our mission in life, however, we have to grow up.
So since I am thrown back to life, back to what I am good at, loving the earth and life and these human beings unconditionally and generally, I take it that I need to grow up and live on.

So do you. And I wish you good luck and love with that. I wish that you, too, can love and live. Nothing's been lost. Literally nothing. Some possibilities maybe, maybe a child, but in the same time there are so many new possibilities and so many new children that are waiting... We are not the one's to judge, we are the one's to live and love the best we can and to become free in our spirit from the tyranny of body and mind... :)) Oh, and horsebackriding, did I say that already, is a really good way of training this discipline...



'On the road again, at the break of time, our precious little things, companions on our way, crossing borders we are free, to travel as we please, create a sense of time, whereever we may go, for we are travelling people, forever on the move, lalalalalala, lalalalala. I am telling you, freedom is a pleasure song, I am telling you, freedom is a pleasure song. ...'

This song I heard so many mornings when we went on trips with our class and my teacher would wake us up with the accordeon..... So many things I wish you had heard and seen and lived, too... with me :) But it is all good because...you know love isn't restricted to space nor time...this is for you too:


and this:

yes I wished you could have been there, but somehow you maybe are....anyways!

At the horse farm...

why

since the cafe across the street burnt down i am more and more to be found at the cafe solar. it has free internet access and i can do my online-german lessons there without any problems. kinda nice atmosphere except for all those busy laptop/powerbook people get on my nevers *laugh* since I am one of them I can say that we all suck. WHATEVER. I actually get more annoyed nowadays by people like me who always think they have to be annoyed by someone. chit-chatting on how much other people suck. It's like, doh, what ever mofo, just mind your own business. There is this guy for example, who has a crush on a very good friend of mine and he is totally judgemental on the guys she likes. Whereas this is totally understandable I still hate how he arrogantly notes, that this guy is changing his style to fit into which ever scene he tries to fit in. It's like whatever, let people go through their phases. Who cares that you guys are the same age and that you went through that years ago. Who cares? Does she like you? No! So, either she is not on your level yet and what would you want with her then...huh?
oh i am rambling. sorry.

so I had a really good time with my gorgelicious Amanda... I don't have pics of me and Klodi yet, but as soon as I have them I'll post them....until then, here some pics of our horsebackriding and beach adventures!~

oh there was a rainbow adventure too. we had to kiss this guy, since he was going to marry the next day.... and Jacob was really pissed that they let Amanda in although she isn't 21 either but, hey, she has tits!~!! lol. the world is injust and tittie-cramtion is not fair either but a reality... especially in Hollywood.

oh and we went to this exhibition at this galery where Amanda will exhibit her paintings *argh i m so jealous!* and met this guy who took all those iconic rock photographies...

and then i took my niece and my nephew and amanda and my niece's friend horsebackriding since my German student invited me to pay for me instead of paying for a lesson.... life is good like that!!! I love LOVE love horse back riding! It is such a good excercise of will, discipline, since the horses really react and feel immediately what you think, feel etc. and I love to be in Nature but everybody should know that by now~!!!