I never thought it would happen that way. Never thought, in fact, that I would ever feel what I felt nor that I would be so calm.
I am awfully detached and float through space like a gas filled balloon.
So I listen to a song that will make me feel.
But some of them have already lost their power.
So I am listening to 'Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay' by Otis Redding. It instantly beams me back to San Francisco. The days and night there, especially the mornings.
This is when I cried my heart out, not knowing that things would happen the way they happened but most certainly I felt pain wash away over me like a tsunami wave.
You whispered into the phone that I held clutched to my ear like a crazy person.
'We are drifting apart'
It was drifting.
And I wondered whether that stream was that strong or the lake so calm. When does one drift?
Is it that we are all drowning, trying to hold onto branches to stay afloat?
I always like swimming against the stream. To get to the origins of things. The well. Fish, my friends.
So you left and I stayed and I waited.
And now you say that I changed. And that you love me. And you always have and you always will. And the sun rises and sinks every day. And plants grow, just like us. And they die.
And wondering into the blue lost sky we ask secretely 'will we see each other again?'
will we see each other the way we saw each other?
with the eyes of a lover?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
never is now
LOVE BIG. LOVE ENTIRELY. LOVE is not compromise.
There was a time that I woke up at 4 AM and went to watch birds. I revelled in love for everything. Trees hugged me and flowers and bees and clouds played with me. I know that sounds funny but it really isn't. It is wonderful.
There is nothing we can do but be ourselves and in the end of the day it is only ourselves that we have to live and die with.
That's the truth.
And that's why love can't be compromise. No reason to restrict ourselves. For other people. Relationships, yes, they are compromise, but love really isn't. No reason to restrict how great we are and how great we can do and how great we can look. Love isn't compromise. No reason to stop making people smile, no reason to suppress talent out of fear. Love isn't compromise.
There was a time that I woke up at 4 AM and went to watch birds. I revelled in love for everything. Trees hugged me and flowers and bees and clouds played with me. I know that sounds funny but it really isn't. It is wonderful.
There is nothing we can do but be ourselves and in the end of the day it is only ourselves that we have to live and die with.
That's the truth.
And that's why love can't be compromise. No reason to restrict ourselves. For other people. Relationships, yes, they are compromise, but love really isn't. No reason to restrict how great we are and how great we can do and how great we can look. Love isn't compromise. No reason to stop making people smile, no reason to suppress talent out of fear. Love isn't compromise.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
random update
waking up in my own new room.
nobody next to me.
no things of other people around me.
no smell of smoke in the room.
it is great!
I love to be by myself. oh yeah.
so Blake called me out of the blue. I forgot that he was coming to LA. Told me he has a culture shock, still, and is slowly getting used to being here. (He'll be here until may or so) I laughed a lot because it seemed all so predictable in a way. Seems as if everybody, even if they were American at a point, has to go through this in the beginning. Coming from Berlin to LA isn't that easy for some weird reason. 'The way the people talk to each other, the thousands of cars, the traffic, the BIG cars (hahaha, I remember being bummed out about that, now I even don't see it anymore!), the plastic...'
So Blake was this guy I met in Berlin who was from LA and had just decided to stay in Berlin for one more year whereas I just ahd decided to move to LA. So that was kinda funny in a way and it's weird to think that we'll meet here now in LA. Weird. He had a really great apartment in eastern Berlin, high ceilings, red walls and a great roof where you could have nice secret dinners (I didn't, but I liked the idea). Looking out of his window you could see this house across the street that looked like a sunset. It was painted red, orange, gold, yellow, like a sunset, in warm earthy colors like the houses in Rome, it was insanly beautiful. Phew, what a view!
I'll see him this friday and I am kind of nervous, to be quite honest but I am sure it will be all fine....Weird, but fine. I mean...so much has happened. Really. I feel like I am an entirely different person from how he knew me. There are a lot of things that I do now that I didn't do then and there are a lot of things that I don't do anymore that I did then.
Oh well....clap, clap, clap!
The sun is making her way to my window...I am listening to a classical Tango piece. Yesterday night we had a little 'cocktail' party here, Erika and Amanda made a spontaneous decision about that. We had Amanda's boyfriend and his friends over. It was quite fun, although I didn't feel like socialising. One of Noah's bandmembers, Joe, was so funny that I actually laughed through the whole evening, plus, he actually got my sense of humor which was delighting. Usually people just think that I am just really really weird but it's nice every now and then when somebody seems to get it...Chifflo came over later, too, and he and Tiff seem to be all back together...She cooked him spaghetti at 2 AM and the way he held her from behind while she was cooking triggered a lot of my own cooking memories to resurface. Beautiful. But lonely. Well, whatever. It's all good. I am thinking a lot about what happened and that Blake just called now. It's like a test maybe for me. How I want to proceed. In which direction I want to go. I am actually quite happy how things are now. It's great to be an unavailable single. Being single itself really sucks at times. You kind of always look. But the way it is for me is really different. I am not interested at all but of course I wish somebody special would be more communicative and sharing. Still. I mean, it's not like I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I have those scenarios in my head in which I try to imagine what I should have done in certain situations and how it might have changed the outcome. It's a futile endeavor, of course, but I can't help it.
Looking at everything I still don't know whether it's okay to be me. Haha. But really. There is a need to demand respect from people close to you and I just seem to have a very hard time to demand this. I always find understanding for the most fucked up situations and forgive but then a part of me can't move on. A part of me still nags and nags and can't keep it down.
I have a lot of good memories.
nobody next to me.
no things of other people around me.
no smell of smoke in the room.
it is great!
I love to be by myself. oh yeah.
so Blake called me out of the blue. I forgot that he was coming to LA. Told me he has a culture shock, still, and is slowly getting used to being here. (He'll be here until may or so) I laughed a lot because it seemed all so predictable in a way. Seems as if everybody, even if they were American at a point, has to go through this in the beginning. Coming from Berlin to LA isn't that easy for some weird reason. 'The way the people talk to each other, the thousands of cars, the traffic, the BIG cars (hahaha, I remember being bummed out about that, now I even don't see it anymore!), the plastic...'
So Blake was this guy I met in Berlin who was from LA and had just decided to stay in Berlin for one more year whereas I just ahd decided to move to LA. So that was kinda funny in a way and it's weird to think that we'll meet here now in LA. Weird. He had a really great apartment in eastern Berlin, high ceilings, red walls and a great roof where you could have nice secret dinners (I didn't, but I liked the idea). Looking out of his window you could see this house across the street that looked like a sunset. It was painted red, orange, gold, yellow, like a sunset, in warm earthy colors like the houses in Rome, it was insanly beautiful. Phew, what a view!
I'll see him this friday and I am kind of nervous, to be quite honest but I am sure it will be all fine....Weird, but fine. I mean...so much has happened. Really. I feel like I am an entirely different person from how he knew me. There are a lot of things that I do now that I didn't do then and there are a lot of things that I don't do anymore that I did then.
Oh well....clap, clap, clap!
The sun is making her way to my window...I am listening to a classical Tango piece. Yesterday night we had a little 'cocktail' party here, Erika and Amanda made a spontaneous decision about that. We had Amanda's boyfriend and his friends over. It was quite fun, although I didn't feel like socialising. One of Noah's bandmembers, Joe, was so funny that I actually laughed through the whole evening, plus, he actually got my sense of humor which was delighting. Usually people just think that I am just really really weird but it's nice every now and then when somebody seems to get it...Chifflo came over later, too, and he and Tiff seem to be all back together...She cooked him spaghetti at 2 AM and the way he held her from behind while she was cooking triggered a lot of my own cooking memories to resurface. Beautiful. But lonely. Well, whatever. It's all good. I am thinking a lot about what happened and that Blake just called now. It's like a test maybe for me. How I want to proceed. In which direction I want to go. I am actually quite happy how things are now. It's great to be an unavailable single. Being single itself really sucks at times. You kind of always look. But the way it is for me is really different. I am not interested at all but of course I wish somebody special would be more communicative and sharing. Still. I mean, it's not like I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I have those scenarios in my head in which I try to imagine what I should have done in certain situations and how it might have changed the outcome. It's a futile endeavor, of course, but I can't help it.
Looking at everything I still don't know whether it's okay to be me. Haha. But really. There is a need to demand respect from people close to you and I just seem to have a very hard time to demand this. I always find understanding for the most fucked up situations and forgive but then a part of me can't move on. A part of me still nags and nags and can't keep it down.
I have a lot of good memories.
Monday, December 04, 2006
kate strand again
i just had to post the link again. I love her songs. Oh my.
another less pleasant thing on my mind is botox and everything else they use to make themselves look younger.
OLD WOMEN WITH SMOOTH FACES FREAK THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
I can't believe that. Here are so many people who do that. And I can't stop staring...Just imagine. Who knows me knows that I already have a hard time not staring at people anyways. It takes so long for me to take someone's beauty in. As a portrait painter I savor every inch of their faces. But now I am just freaked out and can't stop looking. I try to understand by looking at them.
I try to understand WHY in the hell they would choose to lie so blatantly and desperately. It's an obvious lie. And everybody knows it. I mean, I wouldn't take no word from someone who is known to be a liar. I just wouldn't bother to take his word. Why do they think anybody would take their 'beauty' manifested in less wrinkles and smoother skin if it's such an obvious and blatant lie? WHY WHY WHY? I mean, if it is an actress, a famous one and she has really a point in doing that because the business works that way, like, lets say, she'll get better roles by doing that. OKAY. I can understand that. Not agree with that but understand the motivation. However, if it's just a random bored rich woman?
FUCK OFF! For who do you do that? What happened to our society and to us that so many people would choose to lie to themselves and to their lovers and husbands and children? For the sake of an obvious illusion? Appearance? It seems such a waste of money and time to me. Instead of CREATING something.
Okay.
I was bound to hate that. To despise that. Right? I mean, with my upbringing and background and all.
It was bound to happen.
There is no way I can ever nod my head and say, if that's what they like...
I CAN'T.
Why?
BEcause it DOES bother me, that in our society lying seems to be so accepted. And now, who wants to tell me it's not a lie? IT IS A LIE>
I can't get over it. Okay so I am gonna go now. I just get all wound up thinking of it.
Happy Advent Time to everybody!
Smiles (So I get lots of crow wrinkles yeay!)
G.
another less pleasant thing on my mind is botox and everything else they use to make themselves look younger.
OLD WOMEN WITH SMOOTH FACES FREAK THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
I can't believe that. Here are so many people who do that. And I can't stop staring...Just imagine. Who knows me knows that I already have a hard time not staring at people anyways. It takes so long for me to take someone's beauty in. As a portrait painter I savor every inch of their faces. But now I am just freaked out and can't stop looking. I try to understand by looking at them.
I try to understand WHY in the hell they would choose to lie so blatantly and desperately. It's an obvious lie. And everybody knows it. I mean, I wouldn't take no word from someone who is known to be a liar. I just wouldn't bother to take his word. Why do they think anybody would take their 'beauty' manifested in less wrinkles and smoother skin if it's such an obvious and blatant lie? WHY WHY WHY? I mean, if it is an actress, a famous one and she has really a point in doing that because the business works that way, like, lets say, she'll get better roles by doing that. OKAY. I can understand that. Not agree with that but understand the motivation. However, if it's just a random bored rich woman?
FUCK OFF! For who do you do that? What happened to our society and to us that so many people would choose to lie to themselves and to their lovers and husbands and children? For the sake of an obvious illusion? Appearance? It seems such a waste of money and time to me. Instead of CREATING something.
Okay.
I was bound to hate that. To despise that. Right? I mean, with my upbringing and background and all.
It was bound to happen.
There is no way I can ever nod my head and say, if that's what they like...
I CAN'T.
Why?
BEcause it DOES bother me, that in our society lying seems to be so accepted. And now, who wants to tell me it's not a lie? IT IS A LIE>
I can't get over it. Okay so I am gonna go now. I just get all wound up thinking of it.
Happy Advent Time to everybody!
Smiles (So I get lots of crow wrinkles yeay!)
G.
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