lunatic gone nuts...madly in love in the city of angels

heya, I am still alive. and mroe than ever! ;-)
thats just an update for whoever reads this (I doubt there is anybody of you my dear friends reading anyways, although that was meant to freakin replace my f***** massmails, but whatever...)

I am in los angeles obviously and hey, i hated it so much in the beginning..i mean the city, not the beach ;-P
but now....i fell in love. like, really really in love!
and thats fucking awesome. i can't believe that this is happening to me, but it is true. every day.
his name is Dany and he is half gipsy half rumanian and grew up here in California and is the best thing that could have happened to me. yeah! :D
it is a wonderful experience and certainly adds an entirely different value to los angeles and how i will remember it in the future.....

i am so excited!

g

the adventurer....decision making via MSN messenger

This is a conversation i had on msn messenger with my dear friend qimin from china...we met in ecla, my college and thats what we talked about: (me as merry cherry)

merry cherry says:
how are YOU/?
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i have to make a decision, which is quite difficult for me
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
but I think I have already made it though I have still worry about that
merry cherry says:
tell me which
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
I want to know just assume if you were me what you would act
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
say, i have a nice job now, which is sometimes boring, but somehow promising
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i do auto marketing research
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
and auto is a prosperous booming industry in china
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
you have no problem finding another job relevant after working in this field for 1-2 years
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
that's the secure way
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
and meanwhile I was offered another job
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
which sounds crazy
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
tour leader
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
and which is not secure at all
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i mean in that career sense
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
but it would be much more fun and challenging
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
so what shall i do now
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
?
merry cherry says:
go for the crazy
merry cherry says:
if you were me
merry cherry says:
but wait, i did secure things first too
merry cherry says:
tell me more about the tour leading thing
merry cherry says:
it depends on whether you want to work more in this direction
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
haha
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i know
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i am not sure
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i think i am not an office girl anyways
merry cherry says:
even if it turns out to be a shitty tour thing, you ll have the experience, you can have a paper that says you did that and you can always find a new job in that field. especially because you get to know people on the way and people are the keys to new worlds, doors to new ideas, jobs etc
merry cherry says:
you may seem on the first sight qimin. to be honest. because you know how to contain and retain yourself
merry cherry says:
but then, you travelled whole fucking europe on your own, being the first time out of china
merry cherry says:
that makes you an adventurer and the both combined, your seeming containedness with the surprise factor of being daring and adventurous is the best combination to blow peoples minds off and to sneak into scenes....they will think you just listen when you stand there and yeah, hell yeah, you DO listen. and then you act. you are cool
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
haha
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
thank you
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
well, i think i really really should try this
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
otherwise i will have pity
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i do not want to have no regret for my life especially when i am young
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
even that choice turns out to be a mistake i will go
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
I ask my friends for opinions on this job stuff and most of them go you know, do not do that
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
that's a dangerous job
merry cherry says:
well listen qimin i tell you something
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
keep to what you are doing now until you get bored totally and find you are already too old to change anything
merry cherry says:
no matter where you go, there you are. if you go for the secure job you will tell yourself, well, if i do this, i ll have the security of finding a job anytime. and then i still can go and do the crazy shit, with the security of being able to have a job in the pocket
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
then you have to take all the tediousness yourself cuz you choose that
merry cherry says:
but the truth is, that you will meet people while doing this job, who open you new doors, just like it will happen with anything you do.
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
i fully realize that
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
well, the job i am doing now is sort of narrow
merry cherry says:
the question you have to ask yourself is: do i want to meet THOSE people and THOSE doors? because you will go on then. then you ll have the opportunity to be the lets say, district manager of sth. good money, good money, is good life...but little time, right? will you go on world tours with this money like japanese people who travel the world in one week, shoot photos and look at them at home?
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
you know that sort of feeling, it is restricted
merry cherry says:
i know
merry cherry says:
it s not you
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
you are always in a box
merry cherry says:
you want to break free
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
like everyday you sit in your small cubic for 8 hours
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
that is what sucks most
merry cherry says:
see, if you do the tour thing and it turns out to be bad you STILL can become a office girl. i would look at it from that perspective. as long as you are quite young you ll always can go back
merry cherry says:
but as soon as you get older youll get used to security, you can't risk so much anymore, maybe youll have children with a boring office guy you met
merry cherry says:
this way you have the chance to meet inspiring, exciting people and still go back to security later
merry cherry says:
you want to risk. you are adventurous. i know that life is tough and sometimes you do mistakes and you won't ever be able to get where you could have been....prestigious, rich, blablabla. but the secret is:
merry cherry says:
adventurous people never get bored. shitty life, little money? yeah. we can deal with that. we did before. and we ll find other ways. going to clean other peoples houses for money? no problem. as long as we can keep up our adventurous mind with all the colours
merry cherry says:
where are we more likely to loose those colours, our adventurousness?
merry cherry says:
in the cubic for 8 hours a day
merry cherry says:
when you live you life, adventurous, crazy, and decide to go to security later, to a safe office job
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
you sacrifice your freedom
merry cherry says:
YOU WILL BE THE BETTER CHOICE FOR ANY EMPLOYER
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
career spoils most fun and unexpected beauties
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
and i do not want that at least now
merry cherry says:
when you tell them what you did, you manageed a tour, you saw the world, you can survive insecurity
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
maybe i am thirty something i want secure i want 8 hours a day looking at computer
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
but now, no . i feel so constrained
豆子 为祂安静 因祂欢喜 says:
so depressed
merry cherry says:
they will hire you even more likely. the real good business world, the top people can't be people who were brainwashed and grew up in a cubic. people who grew up in a cubic don't know how to think ROUND. they think in fucking cubes. they will become district managers, never entrepreneurs, never daring, smart, managers because they know shit about the world outside the cube. and hey, there
merry cherry says:
IS A WORLD OUTSIDE THE CUBE. and real good top managers NEED to KNOW that by EXPERIENCE
merry cherry says:
if you do the safe thing feeling depressed, you will never become or retrack your inspiration. you will wail and regret all the time subconsciously
merry cherry says:
as long as you are young you can say loudly and proudly FUCK SECURITY
merry cherry says:
because you knwo, as an adventurer you can always get that back, easily
merry cherry says:
without selling your soul
merry cherry says:


merry cherry says:
preach is over

west coast east coast...

well, don't know what to say really.
am in los angeles now and have a hard time liking it.
i miss berlin so much
and i guess i still have to find the key to this experience here, i am so freaking backwards orientated and probably afraid from the future, i guess i should just focus on the moment.
i miss my friends in berlin so much;
the whole european mentality and culture. freak!
ah.
well, but all has a good side to it, i ll find what it is in los angeles.
the school is already really goodl. i can learn here a lot and i guess i should just go and practice now
i wonder what i will do in my life and where i will go
will i make a difference....

hitting the road # 1

Thats it! I am on the road! After having been patient for the last two years in which most of my friends toured the world it s me turn now.

The last days in Berlin were sunny, incredibly beautiful and peaceful, most of all.
I painted a lot in a super beautiful studio called "Welturlaub" which means as much as "world holiday" which it was, indeed.
The people were marvellous, loving, living, genuine, pure.
Of course it was stressy to pack in the last minute and get stuff done, of course I left a chaos behind me, I don t know whether it counts as an excuse to say that all I did was to live up to my reputation....
Anyways. I flew down to Basel, met unfortunately only a few friends I really wanted to see, but time was simply too short, I had incredibly much to organize and was happy to fetch the train, at least.
Borbeth spontaneously came along to London, I know it is crazy but then again, she is nuts so who would be surprised by that. Heiko (her boyfriend) was to meet me in London on his way back to Germany and so we had a nice surprise for him. She helped me carrying my luggage and we slept at Frankfurt Hahn airport. The day in London was sort of exhausting but very nice and I was more than happy to spend my time with them. We stayed at the place of a guy from Couchsurfing who had stayed with my in Berlin in April or so. As he was working in a wine bar we had a couple of drinks for free and enjoyed ourselves very much.

My sister J arrived late at night, she flew in from Sweden. Now I am with her in S near London visiting my family from dad s side, it is wonderful, a small little English town with small houses, gorgeous nature around and, aaaah, just nice people. I love it and I love the food and the quietness and lying on their couch and sleeping... peacefully. it is amazing how good it is and how relaxing....

so, dear friends all over, tomorrow I will fly to New York and hope to find a shelter there....
I ll post more later. I keep you close to my heart...
G

cluture clash. sad leaving

I am listening to 'culture clash'. sitting at the computer i spent so many nights at last year.
I am leaving ECLA now for 'good'. for a year minimum.
i just wrote a friend that it feels weird being here. that it feels wrong. i don t belong here anymore. but watching my 'imprisoned clown' video of David's installation class just beams me right back to this time. it was fucking great man. GREAT. ohhh. sigh. it s sad
sad
to leave
sad sad sad.
i am so glad that i was able to be at ecla. it s a great place. although i hate it as much as i love it. but i am glad i did it. damn glad.

good bye pankow. good bye little planet. good bye ecla. good bye dear memories..........

summer time

summer time in berlin is the most horrible thing ever. it s raining ALL THE TIME!
people say it isn't usually that wet here but of course the summer I am here has to be like that. The summer in which I don t have any vacations.

Well well.

I work in Starbucks now and it s pretty cool. But tiring. I paint a lot too, finally getting the painting done that people ordered after my exhibition.
But as a matter of fact it is difficult to paint something per order. It s somehow contraproducitve to the artistic process.
Anyways. Good night now. It s late. I have a good time here, nevertheless, my heart lives and I read a lot.
And I do lots of biking and my ass hurts. :)

devine justice

what is devine justice?
if you believe in the most high you will probably consent with the idea that we are NOT devine in the sense of being complete but we need to grow thus we aren't whole yet. in a whollistic sense of course.
so devine justice is to give everybody his or her fair share but not too much and not too little, but of course we are not the ones to judge what is too much or too little, we just must assume that it is that way. if you think you have too little, hell, go and discover yourself, dare! probably you have to learn and find the key how to open the doors god gave you. simple huh???

i can tell you from my own person that it is quite scary if the contrary is the case. i can'T really say it is scarier, because I don't know how it feels like to be a looser. I am a winner. almost. but it is a damn burden to be a super talented ass as I am often portrayed to be...

and thats why there is devine justice:

• the most intelligent (judging from the very suspect measures of school scores and overall success) child of the family is also the ugliest one (me)
• luck in love, badluck in gambling says a german proverb. oh, fuck gambling! i want love! but as a matter of fact, the one who has had so much luck in gambling, i.e. finding scholarshpis, sponsors, having success in finding jobs and so on is the one who had bad luck in love related issues. (no, J. was fine, the problem was I couldn't love him the way I wanted to/should have to! It fuckin hurts but you can'T choose with whom you really fall in love! and yes, I think I can say I was really in love with Pedro, and yes, he is a drugaddict and schizophrenic now. oh and yes, Marcial was married. fuck. and L.A. was too old, admittedly and not interested in a realtionsihp either. oh. and Mr. Amazing D. is in a 'patchy' relationship! but the fact that I have so much luck right now with finding appartments for free, getting a job immediately at Starbucks and being offered a post as an interim secretary and the prospect of being Qorianka's personal assistant during the whole promotion time before 'the new world' gets into the theaters....makes me fucking afraid that this time, too, love will have to obey the abovementioned law/proverb. FUCK!) (uhm, no, g, no fucking. no.)
• the one child in the family who did NOT have any major problems with her classmates and yes, was even quite popular and loved and who never has any problems in finding people she likes and whom like her immediately wherever she goes, and the one who always has these crazy coincidences happening, is also the one who has bad luck in love related issues. did I mention it already? oh. did I tell you that it sucks big time? oh you are dumb, ugly, have difficulties in finding friends and you have ALSO bad luck in love related issues? damn. there must be sth in your karma i say. or maybe, maybe i just should step back and be thankful for what i have and tell myself not to be so fuckin spoiled. i am just used to having luck. so thats a good lesson, yes it is. indeed. it must be this way. urgs. can you stop loving me, please, dear friends? maybe i get too much love by you. i want HIS love. thats childish i guess. demanding. fuck fuck fuck (no, G, no fucking tonight. no!)

you see....

god is fair.

i am not breathtakingly beautiful, i don'T dance like a goddess (although for being white thats okay (yeah clichees!!!)) and I have bad luck in love related issues. but i am very bright, successful and popular.

great deal, great deal god.

and now, can we switch roles please????

just dreamin.... 

half cool

update instead of a massmail:

geraldine is still in berlin. another short three weeks. horrifying thought somehow.
gotta make money. HOW? I applied to late for cafes and didn't ask at enough cafes. so i maybe will work for two weeks or so at Starbucks, the evil empire, and paint in the rest of my time. I hope to make some money with the painting but I somehow postponed going out on the street as I don't have all equipment I need and it also scares the shit out of me. But I met a nice streetartist lady and she might help me. NOw its time to get my act together and get going. I ll paint two pictures for my former college ECLA and for a rich American couple who have absurd ideas on how much a picture should cost. way too little. I ll charge more of course. We ll see what I can do. I am not sure at all whether I ll be able to make enough money in those three weeks. Catty wants me to come down to Prague rather than coming up and it s really just a question of time for me...whether I can afford it or not.....well we ll see....

My dear friend from Basel, Anuschka, cosmasista, is comin up in about two weeks and in three weeks bumma and silvia will hopefully show up. man, i hope i manage with my time.

I really wanted to do lots of acrobatics, fireswinging and jamming but I don't know whether I will manage. There is also basketball playing and climbing in the back of my head and getting my stuff together elsehow.

Want to read a bit about the deep dialogue thing and in the end of august I ll have to find out what I need to know in order to homeschool Q'orianka. I think I'll try to go last minute on plane....

Heartwise things have changed a lot too over here and I don't know how things will work out but I am awfully involved in some deep emotional shit, thats all I can tell you so far. But life is beautiful just because of that too, so I don't worry too much.

Berlin is wonderful in early summer and I regret very much not having more time here. I promised Artaban to go with them to Romania so I ll do that and I don't think I ll regret it at all but it s kinda hard to leave. Maybe I ll have to go to Los Angeles a bit later than beginning of September but that also depends on what Sasi and Q need. The music school in LA that I d like to attend starts at October so with respect to that I d have enough time to still do sth here.

I love Berlin.

I ll be back to black forest around the 25 th of jUly and try to visit friends and family before leaving to Romania with my crew!!!!

All the love from the heart of Berlin (I stay in Timo's house, I know him from Hospitalityclub and I can stay here basically for free. it s fucking great and amazing how things sometimes work out....i just have to get my stuff together now to justify all that :))

love love love

geraldine

mein bruder!!!!my brother!!!

hey, goooood news! my brother made it! he did a fucking great job with his abitur! he s thru now! and i am so fucking proud of him! it s sooooo fantastic!!!!!!
congratulations dear bro, i really really reallly dooooo looooooooooooooooove youuuuuu!!!!!

hehe. i really love him, and of course not because he s got his abitur now but no, because i just simply love him.

g

sun paints this wall yellow

and I am sitting in 'my' new home at Mehringdamm in Berlin and listen to Alicia Keys. Its been a while that I've been listening to her and it fits so perfectly well right now. It makes me happy. And actually I am quite surprised that it doesn't hurt at all because it was J. who burned me the Alicia Keys CD (which unfortunately got lost on the way) and I listened to her last Winter when I was having such a hard time not knowing what I want and all the doubting but also the beautiful moments.

ECLA has been such a great place to grow. Really, although there is not much distance yet I feel how much it challeneged me and how much it made me grow although I felt I am confronted with the ever same problems I have. But thats now a contradition of course ;-)

This beautiful appartment of Timo (whom I got to know, by the way, via the hospitalityclub. Its indeed a great idea! www.hospitaliyclub.org) reminds me so much of Paris and the time I spent there with the 'child under a lucky star' Christina from Scottland whom we met in Brittany, France, back in 2002 with Artaban. She was a great artist and her flat was just so gorgeous, the whole lifestyle just attracted and fascinated me tons. Now that Max told me that he will study in Paris for one year (he got accepted at this cool programme that offers high quality economics studies in three cities: PARIS, LONDON, MADRID or BERLIN) I am really considering to do that as well. I've always had the impression, the feeling that I would live in Paris one day for a certain time. Maybe it will come true. It really was more of a feeling, a certainty within than just a dream....

This place is so special and I am so grateful I can be here. The point is that I really have to admit that I am also a 'child under a lucky star'....just how things work out. Somehow I have a mixture of trust in life and that things will happen and a certain amount of a sense of responsibility that helps me to actually make things happen. But I really didn't know where to stay until the day before yesterday! I just had already asked some friends whether, in a case of emergency, I could stay at their house. So that was allright, I had a backup. Timo's place, however, is just amazingly perfect for my current needs. I can phone for free, have free internet access, am close to the place I am planning to paint portraits at, close to my friends who all live in Kreuzberg and it is simply BEAUTIFUL, which is very important for my psyche and it has a BATHTUB!!! :-)

When I entered today, with my 'own' key, I felt this 'Paris-energy' thru my body and soul and spirit. I WILL BE CREATIVE!!!!!!!!! I am so much looking forward for the time to come and so it is really true that I leave the year at ECLA behind with a crying and a smiling eye. it was love

....

stay in tune

geraldine, who enjoys life so much and loves life so much and is so damn grateful for everything that is offered to me. I take it and I will make the best possible out of it in return. love!!!

so now that everybody left

...I feel very strange.
last night I fell asleep on my bed with my clothes on. and my shoes. fucked up ain't it. I woke up with a DVD in my hand which I had p[lanned to watch. I woke up and I was sad. I looked into the mirror and felt even more strange. everything will change now. I am sure it will be exciting but the very moment of letting things go hurts very much.
Mira is very sad, she sits next to me and hardly can keep the tears back from falling.
the sun shines innocently down and the leaves of the backyardtrees are blinking in the summerair. I want to let go. Sure I do! But it hurts so much! When will I ever see them again? They are my family. The WERE. *sigh*

well okay. I can't go on like this. I will write later more. This is tough. Oh my god.

geraldine

i know, i know it s just that i am not used to it.  

music music music

yeah epitonic.com is just great.

well. the NEWS?

here we go: my mom visited me for the last days at college. it was simply great. we had such a good time and in fact i think i wouldn't have made it without her. my crazy schedule (weekend + monday: 60 hours NO SLEEP AT ALL, doing the yearbook, tuesday: preparing my exhibition and performance with guitar/singing, having the vernissage in the evening, wednesday: preparing and holding the speech for graduation, distributing the yearbook (oh what a satisfaction! everybody thinks it is the best yearbook ever)) was only manageable with her help. THANK YOU MOM!

everybody here thinks that she is crazy cool and beautiful and all that. i am really proud of my ma, really.
yesterday we had a really good day in berlin, hanging out in bar 25, and today we went really early in the morning to go on top of the Reichstagsroof.
now i am incredibly tired. have to clean my room. can't believe its over. everything falls apart. it is very odd and absurd. it should have ended with a big bang. hanging out here is like dying a slow death. terrible.
it s too sad.
monday i leave for schopfheim to bring some luggage home and visit some people. the following weekend cathy will come to berlin and we will spend time there together. (my cousin). i want to do so many things still. as always. well well.

thats it so far. epitonic is really cool check that out.

lots of love to you out there

geraldine

I proudly present: the dude. 

nightingale 

happy 

Firenze, ahhhh Firenze I was so so so so happy that evening, it was an evening in march, in firenze. did i say that already? with dorel and laura from hospitalityclub (www.hospitalityclub.org) 

vice versa 

me and my sis, partner acrobatics (don't look at my face though ;-P 

M., me and M. they are among my most beloved ones here ;-)  

this is my house. dorel and ionut are missing though, and of course christina, she betrayed us and lives basically with Joseph in house24 now ;-)) 

M. and I. it s their fault that i laugh my ass off all the time  

Zeynep and me, at somebodies birthdayparty in house 16. Hasn't she got the most amazing smile ever? 

Me and Zeynep....@ ecla 

am so tired

it s four am i am so tired. layouting is really...mmmh...feel like...mmmh. listening to kid loco for example....
i remember the winter i worked as a waitress in 'palazzo colombino' the variete gourmet theater. aaaah. when cleaning stuff after work we used to listen to kid loco...this sighing....this emobdiment of desire. well yeah. i can perfectly relate
n8
g

'when the night feels my song'

is the title of the song I hear in a loop right now. Bedouinsoundclash of course... aaaah.

I am feel as if I am being cut in pieces, slice after slice and although i know perfectly well that one week is nothing and just rushes by I feel as if this will never end. That is because I don't see a possible way of how getting everything done that i have to get done.
As simple as that.
My exhibition is now rescheduled to tuesday so my Mother will be able to see it too. And most importantly, hear me. But, I really feel a bit intimidated when she is around, to be honest. She is already coming on monday and will hear me performing at the singing class 'concert' and then, on tuesday at my exhibit, I would also like to perform (but with my guitar)...And she is just so endlessly critical. Thats maybe good though, as she will probably be the only person on this world who will tell me how much I suck.

Well... I wish I was living a more successful life, but then again I have to remind myself that every flower grows in their own pace, and trees even take longer....

I am the tree.

I guess.

well i go now to think of how to stage 'Venice Saved' by Simone Weil. The storyboard and everything needs to be ready tomorrow by two pm.

'when the night feels my song' I am in the space between times, the moment breathes in and inbetween the moment in inhales and then exhales I am caught and marvel at the wonder of dark silent nights and longing hearts that paint the night in a dark red with their blood.

geraldine, nightingale

as i am already advertising....

....i thought i can introduce to whoever reads this in the bloggersphere following band which I found interesting....: Bedouin Soundclash...just follow the link and see for yourself.....and the leadsinger is not too bad of an painter too!!!! ....
love always
geraldine
ps I am fine....

I love you Kim!...

!...on a very artistic level....this is some art by kim. he is one of the most gorgeous artists I know. check his website out http://www.kimkoester.com/ or the fascinating virtual-art project http://www.99rooms.com/.

Kim was actually the main reason why I decided not to go back into a relationship. Well, lets say he was the actuator who triggered the decision which was hovering in the air anyways. I met him the second time in 'Deep', a very fascinating electroclub in Berlin where we danced like crazy the whole night. When we got out of the club the sun was already rising, it felt like coming out of hell into heaven...the birds where singing and we decided to have breakfast together. It was a beautiful february snowy morning, the sun glistered and twinkled on the snow, our eyelashes where covered by white crystalls. We went to my dorm and I was so excited that I even couldn't eat really. We had a fascinating conversation, mainly about art and love and also about relationships and philosophy.

Matter of fact, this morning asserted me in not going back into a relationship and also that it is perfectly allright if I wouldn't.We walked back through the sun to the trainstation. The silence and the words were just too beautiful to be described here. My heart regained energy and I saw: ThIS IS WHAT I WANT. I want procreative, prolific relationships, I want to have sex on an artistic level, I want to be challeneged and I want to be free to take every chance that life offers me. I don't want to be bound. And although Kim's attitude towards relationships might be in itself problematic, for me it was the best that could have happened to me and it opened me up to a world which I always wanted to be in. He showed me how to, by simply being there. We haven't seen each other much ever since but thats not relevant at all. He was the key to the door. Thank you Kim, I will always love you for that. When he left we kissed good bye. It was as dreamy a kiss as had been the whole morning. Miraculous

'heart massage' -art installation

! 'heart massage' (love sick) installation. February 2005 by me. (the girl in the back at the wall is me). The whole idea came about as I realized that what I felt was like a heart massage. My heart was maybe broken, but I doubt it. I was terribly love sick and I have never experienced something like that before, but my heart really was massaged throughout the whole time. I couldn't decribe it in a better way. So I decided to transform my pain into art, and the creative process and also the realizations I had while developing the idea helped me so much that I think I achieved something in two weeks, what usually takes a lot more time. I really felt transformed thereafter and I felt I was at a new level then and could go on from there. It was really amazing.

The head of the puppet you see at the right corner is a first aid dummy. If one gave the dummy a heart massage it switched on the electricity for the light and music installation which gave an insight in what happens inside a person when she/he is love sick. The cellophane tarp labyrinth with transparent photos on it symbolized the sweet and at times painful memories in which one is trapped and the sound was taken from Mullholland Drive when this girl cries and masturbates in the same time and I added some sobbing from myself too. The whole thing would vanish at once, by the next push on the dummy's chest.

In one corner there was a TV running mute as to symbolize how things just keep on going no matter what happens to you. There was, however, an exit to the whole labyrinth; a marked off door which lead to a very small space in which there was only the sound of heartbeating, a very kitschy plush heart, a candle and a mirror in which one looked when looking into this little room. The idea was, that the solution to the whole problem is to face oneself, to come back to oneself, to confront oneself in order to gain back your heart ..... You'll find below some more photos of the installation...

this is yet another pic of the cellophane 'memory' labyrinth 

this is the first aid dummy one was supposed to give a heart massage. do you see the cable running to him? that was the connection in order to set the light and sound going 

this is the exit to the problem. there is a scissors in the middle of the door. can you see it? we always can take it and cut the way free ourselves. but sometimes we just won't.  

another pic of my 'heart massage' installation 

this is the TV (the movie was night on earth by jim jarmush i think) in my 'heart massage' installation which I described below 

interim report

Some of you know that I am one of those unlucky personalities who always want everything and this at the same time.
Thats why I am stuck now in front of the computer, trying to do the yearbook for which I have to learn how this great InDesign programme from Adobe works...Its really a great programme but its difficult to get into it.
So what I do most of the time now, is to sit in front of the computer, freak out every now and then, read other people's blogs and be fascinated by them and feel that my posts suck more or less compared to them,

and I try not to think of the

• essay I still have to write for Gabe,
• the final project for my directing and dramaturgy class which is due on thursday and involves a whole storyboard of how to stage Venice Saved by Simone Weil,
• the Spanish exam on tuesday and
• the review on "maria full of grace" i have to write for it and
• Violeta coming this weekend and last but not least
• the party tonight in an abandoned house somewhere in Berlin which Kim is organzing http://www.kimkoester.com)
• and of course 'Berlin Lacht' the street art festival in Berlin this weekend. I really want to go there because my friends, who I mentioned in a previous post ('and the sage continues') are going to parttake with some shows.....also I have to think about
• the speech I am going to give at our graduation party (yeah, sure, you knew it, it was me who was going to volunteer for that lol, haha, I really fucking don't grow up at all) and oh, i forgot,
• the additional work I have to do for David, about Venice and where the action of the play really took place and stuff....haha...its never ending, is it?
• and my singing performance on the 20 th of June....and
• the recording i still have to do for Lena and Lars from HC hannover http://www.hospitalityclub.org

I am just really looking forward to the time after ECLA, painting, doing acrobatics, poing, music, jam sessions and some good festivals...also my cousin Cathy will come to visit in the first weeks of July for a weekend or so. I am really looking forward to that. And to think of all the things I'll do then makes me feel better. But I have to think of how to make money and organize myself papers to work in the Hotel Estrel...Hope this will work out.

yours busy

always

g

and this is waaaaaaaay back in 2003, halloween with my first hospitalityguest (www.hospitalityclub.org) Milda from Lithuania and me with a wig ;-) (i wish i had those curls!!!) 

me and charles at a ecla party......... 

Thats at the carneval of cultures in Berlin.....the girl with the orange scarf around the head is me and Mira is next to me (right hand, the girl with the blond hair) This carneval was just grrrreat and gorgeous!!! we danced like four hours or so in the rain and had the best time ever. I got sick afterwards, but it was worth it. Students at ECLA have to study hard but we party hard, too!!!!! 

This is THE DUDE. Romanian maverick who got the greatest sense of humour ever and eventually will become a great movie-director!!!!!!! I love him  

Firenze.....march 2005......that was in that gorgeous fancy restaurant-bar-lobby thing, where you could eat as much as you want from the buffet, if you paid the drinks.... ;-) I was very very very happy in Firenze....Firenze is my city...... 

These are my fellow students and friends, family...... ohhh I love them too much. Okay, the guy is Danilo, a very attractive and sex-addicted Italian (everything he says has a double meaning....it s hilarious) and Mira, my lunatic-companion and Party-Mountain-climbing friend from Ukraine, Zeynep from Turkey (she is such a lovely girl and a partyanimal, too), Maria from Moldavia (see pic below) and Marina, from Ukraine, as well......(all from left to right)