you can turn it as you like

but in the end I'll always will feel most comfortable and happy and at home when I am outdoors around a campfire.
I've just been thinking about that.
Putting my clothes into my new closet.
How I miss just sitting outdoors and having the smoke in my face. Trying to get the fire going. Kneeling in dirt. That's me right there. And then with an old guitar, singing songs that go straight into heaven, where the stars are. With the smoke. Lingering in the trees for a moment just to fly off seconds later. Then rolling myself together in a damp sleeping bag. Getting warm slowly. Hearing the others sleep. Maybe staying awake, staring into the fire and keeping it going so the others won't freeze or get burnt. Guarding. Then waking someone up to take another shift and drifting away into a light slumber.
Then a deep sleep. And waking up with the dew and the first sun rays. And the birds. And Borbeth. One eye open. Making myself get out of the sleeping bag, uh, so cold and greeting the day. Never have I been closer to God nor to myself than during those days and nights.

KATE STRAND and other gorgeous things in this world

http://www.myspace.com/katestrand - click on the title to get to Kate's myspace website! Listen to her song! Love her just as I do!!!!

I am so proud to have such beautiful friends. Can you believe she is only 20. She is the most gorgeous and wonderful person you can imagine. She and Amanda and Tiffany and Marie are such wonderful women - all singers - in my life who have all a perfect ray of light inside themselves to share with us.

It's great. Don't forget to listen to 'closely' on her site too! It's a FUCK YOU song :)
Isn't she great? I am marvelling.

So life is great. I have my own little 'ship' now. That is my way of trying to talk myself into believing that I don't need another six months of staring at trees. My room is very little and has windows at two sides. I look at windows of a big apartment complex at one side. At the other I see crackheads, homeless and pissers go about their twilight businesses in the back of a parking lot and behind dumpsters. Around the corner I can catch the glance on a tree but it looks kinda hapless and sad inbetween our houses. I hear the dumpster truck at 4 AM in the morning and a neverending air conditioner blows it's way through my attention. I will get used to it. Ironically this is the only room I didn't want and it's funny how things go. I realized at the very day we moved that I can't live yet another year without my own bed or space so I told poor Tiffany I can't share with her a room after all which means for both of us financial troubles. But it's the only way it's gonna work. I started being a grumpy gege already. I suspect that my wish to have a room with view at trees came really from the fear of not having my own space. Now that I have it, it's okay to look at hapless things. I also see the Columbia Records tower which is framed by trees (ha! trees! haha) and a bunch of other ugly Hollywood things.
This room indeed feels like a ship though and so things fit into my life-view (I always wanted to become a Capitan!) and I figured that this view is a perfect inspiration for my writing while I can always go out on the porch with the lovely palm tree and courtyard view if I want to play music.
I am still looking for a name for my ship though!

Other than that i am about to try to get my life tightly together. I mean, you can never give up right!
Heartwise everything is back on track. I still love my Dany with all my heart but I don't hurt anymore. I am very fine with things being how they are. Being single is even greater than before because now I am not looking at all. I don't wonder whether there is someone outthere who is for me to love. I don't care. If something happens, totally unexpected, I am not gonna run away but so far I just enjoy to watch how love transforms itself and shows me different faces. I didn't fall out of love. I go to bed thinking of Dany and it just makes me happy and not sad anymore. I feel as if this can help me give my best and do exactly what I came here for.

My nanny family gave me a very expensive and awesome bed, I haven't slept so well in ages. She said 'but it's a single bed' and I laughed and said, that's perfect because I am single.
See how things fit together.

secret santa

that's the sort of man i like!

(click the link in the title)

cherry blossom girl

there was this song that i forgot but it was always in my head. now i found it again. cherr blossom girl.
and the song two posts earlier (soul to squeeze) was by the red hot chilli peppers, by the way, in case i forgot to mention that!

"Cherry Blossom Girl"

I don't want to be shy
Can't stand it anymore
I just want to say 'Hi'
To the one I love
Cherry blossom girl

I feel sick all day long
From not being with you
I just want to go out
Ever night for a while
Cherry blossom girl

Tell me why can't it be true

I never talk to you
People say that I should
I can pray everyday
For the moment to come
Cherry blossom girl

I just want to be sure
When I will come to you
When the time will be gone
You will be by my side
Cherry Blossom Girl

Tell me why can't it be true

I'll never love again
Can I say that to you
Will you run away
If I try to be true
Cherry blossom girl

Cherry blossom girl
I'll always be there for you
That means no time to waste
Whenever there's a chance
Cherry blossom girl

Tell me why can't it be true

Cafe ETC, November 11, 2006

Shimps are Short-Impression-Stories. The term came to me in Cafe Mitte in Bale, Switzerland, a couple of years ago. I guess it's just another way of saying 'stream of consciousness babbling' or so.

This is the shimp of today:

Cafe Etc. At Selma and Cahuenga, Hollywood.
I'm sitting here, waiting for seconds to stop stretching like Kate in Yoga and pass by, like the people in front of the Cafe I am at. Amazement gathers at the bottom of the pool as I watch emotions and thoughts run in circles and spirals, chasing their own tales, trying to find a way out of my body: human nature, so rich and so disturbingly multi-facetted. These are the ills of a society, I find myself thinking, in which people have nothing better to do than worry and over-analyze their own little petty lives in the big schemata of rolling thunders in history. Memories pile up and sometimes a fresh wind blows the dust off them and you catch a whiff of what was when and how but why you never really know. Mingeling with dreams they seem soloful like rainbows but ever so often they soften into a stark grey wall that crumbles and falls in the mids of overstretched seconds, raining heavy, fat, blue-greyish shimmering tears onto your soul.

The writer - an ordinarily crazy amateur, lunatic, in her early twenties. Switiching the old-fashioned pen from one hand to the other, trying to still and satisfy both, needs and wants, while remaining flexible. It's about time to move on she thinks and the bitter sweet taste of underlying sadness mixes with her saliva as she thinks of her older brother Trey and his fiancee Dre and the concerns she feels with regards to their future marriage. I hope, she mumbles into her two-shot-for-here Latte, that they all stay together! It's that we pray for their love for the sake of working out a proof that it is - possible...

You can only hope so much.

Now is the next morning and after a hefty, surprising rain that poured her heart into the hovering solitude of her refuge she claims that this morning is supposed to be cleansed, fresh, agreeable enjoyable and clear, in the now. Somehow.
Clarity is supposed to sink in and settle into my mind she hopes but all that she feels is the beat of Brazilian Bossa Nova coming out of the speaker bozes in rippling waves. Pleasurable; all that - but still confused.

A single page shall be enough. She thinks of David Levine and her buried passions for Simone Weil's writing and life and and old-fashioned type-writer in the middle of Berlin or somewhere, somewhen, else.

sometimes songs say it all

...and he always was best in finding the right songs at the right time.


I've got a bad disease
But from my brain is where I bleed.
Insanity it seems
Has got me by my soul to squeeze.

Well all the love from thee
With all the dying trees I scream.
The angels in my dreams (yeah)
Have turned to demons of greed that's mean.

Chorus:
Where I go I just don't know
I got to got to gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Today love smiled on me.
It took away my face say please
All that you had to free
You gotta let it be oh yeah.

Chorus

Oh, so polite indeed
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze
And take away my self destruction.

It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I'll be coming back baby,
I'll be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad

I could not forget
But I will not endeavor
Simple pleasures aren't as special
But I wont regret it never.

Chorus

Where I go I just don't know
I might end up somewhere in Mexico.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna keep you for the end of time.

free

So you are free to go now, whereever you want to. And whereever you go, there you are - That's one of those facts in life, that are just a fact no matter whether or not there is a sound when a tree falls in the middle of the forest without anybody seeing it. You know!
And they just stole my second bike. Within two days, it's crazy. I looked at the bikestand and just couldn't believe it. I don't belive what I am seeing I thought to myself but realized that I just gotta trust my eyes. And that's also one of these things that you just can't do anything about. He is stubborn, and he is proud and he is extreme and intense and all the lovely things that I love about him. And that's him and there is nothing we can do about it. I still would do it all over again and I still would choose to go the foggy road but that's just not what life has in store for us. Not now.

Love Her Madly

Dont you love her madly, dont you need her badly
Dont you love her ways, tell me what you say
Dont you love her madly, wanna be her daddy
Dont you love her face


Dont you love her as shes walkin out the door
Like she did one thousand times before

Dont you love her ways, tell me what you say
Dont you love her as shes walkin out the door

All your love x4
All your love is gone,
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream,

Seven horses seem to be on the mark
Yeah, dont you love her
Dont you love her as shes walkin out the door

All your love x3
Yeah, all your love is gone
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream

Seven horses seem to be on the mark
Well, dont you love her madly

Dont you love her madly
Dont you love her madly

in charge

So this is our first flyer for our first gig yeah yeah yeah. :)

In Charge.

When is a person in charge? A person is in charge, as I have already explained in a different post, when he or she is his/her own king/queen.

When am I in charge?
When I realize, fully, not only in my head but in my hands, as well, that it is my decision to be heart broken or sovereign.

That's it! Everybody....