I never thought it would happen that way. Never thought, in fact, that I would ever feel what I felt nor that I would be so calm.
I am awfully detached and float through space like a gas filled balloon.
So I listen to a song that will make me feel.
But some of them have already lost their power.
So I am listening to 'Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay' by Otis Redding. It instantly beams me back to San Francisco. The days and night there, especially the mornings.
This is when I cried my heart out, not knowing that things would happen the way they happened but most certainly I felt pain wash away over me like a tsunami wave.
You whispered into the phone that I held clutched to my ear like a crazy person.
'We are drifting apart'
It was drifting.
And I wondered whether that stream was that strong or the lake so calm. When does one drift?
Is it that we are all drowning, trying to hold onto branches to stay afloat?
I always like swimming against the stream. To get to the origins of things. The well. Fish, my friends.
So you left and I stayed and I waited.
And now you say that I changed. And that you love me. And you always have and you always will. And the sun rises and sinks every day. And plants grow, just like us. And they die.
And wondering into the blue lost sky we ask secretely 'will we see each other again?'
will we see each other the way we saw each other?
with the eyes of a lover?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
never is now
LOVE BIG. LOVE ENTIRELY. LOVE is not compromise.
There was a time that I woke up at 4 AM and went to watch birds. I revelled in love for everything. Trees hugged me and flowers and bees and clouds played with me. I know that sounds funny but it really isn't. It is wonderful.
There is nothing we can do but be ourselves and in the end of the day it is only ourselves that we have to live and die with.
That's the truth.
And that's why love can't be compromise. No reason to restrict ourselves. For other people. Relationships, yes, they are compromise, but love really isn't. No reason to restrict how great we are and how great we can do and how great we can look. Love isn't compromise. No reason to stop making people smile, no reason to suppress talent out of fear. Love isn't compromise.
There was a time that I woke up at 4 AM and went to watch birds. I revelled in love for everything. Trees hugged me and flowers and bees and clouds played with me. I know that sounds funny but it really isn't. It is wonderful.
There is nothing we can do but be ourselves and in the end of the day it is only ourselves that we have to live and die with.
That's the truth.
And that's why love can't be compromise. No reason to restrict ourselves. For other people. Relationships, yes, they are compromise, but love really isn't. No reason to restrict how great we are and how great we can do and how great we can look. Love isn't compromise. No reason to stop making people smile, no reason to suppress talent out of fear. Love isn't compromise.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
random update
waking up in my own new room.
nobody next to me.
no things of other people around me.
no smell of smoke in the room.
it is great!
I love to be by myself. oh yeah.
so Blake called me out of the blue. I forgot that he was coming to LA. Told me he has a culture shock, still, and is slowly getting used to being here. (He'll be here until may or so) I laughed a lot because it seemed all so predictable in a way. Seems as if everybody, even if they were American at a point, has to go through this in the beginning. Coming from Berlin to LA isn't that easy for some weird reason. 'The way the people talk to each other, the thousands of cars, the traffic, the BIG cars (hahaha, I remember being bummed out about that, now I even don't see it anymore!), the plastic...'
So Blake was this guy I met in Berlin who was from LA and had just decided to stay in Berlin for one more year whereas I just ahd decided to move to LA. So that was kinda funny in a way and it's weird to think that we'll meet here now in LA. Weird. He had a really great apartment in eastern Berlin, high ceilings, red walls and a great roof where you could have nice secret dinners (I didn't, but I liked the idea). Looking out of his window you could see this house across the street that looked like a sunset. It was painted red, orange, gold, yellow, like a sunset, in warm earthy colors like the houses in Rome, it was insanly beautiful. Phew, what a view!
I'll see him this friday and I am kind of nervous, to be quite honest but I am sure it will be all fine....Weird, but fine. I mean...so much has happened. Really. I feel like I am an entirely different person from how he knew me. There are a lot of things that I do now that I didn't do then and there are a lot of things that I don't do anymore that I did then.
Oh well....clap, clap, clap!
The sun is making her way to my window...I am listening to a classical Tango piece. Yesterday night we had a little 'cocktail' party here, Erika and Amanda made a spontaneous decision about that. We had Amanda's boyfriend and his friends over. It was quite fun, although I didn't feel like socialising. One of Noah's bandmembers, Joe, was so funny that I actually laughed through the whole evening, plus, he actually got my sense of humor which was delighting. Usually people just think that I am just really really weird but it's nice every now and then when somebody seems to get it...Chifflo came over later, too, and he and Tiff seem to be all back together...She cooked him spaghetti at 2 AM and the way he held her from behind while she was cooking triggered a lot of my own cooking memories to resurface. Beautiful. But lonely. Well, whatever. It's all good. I am thinking a lot about what happened and that Blake just called now. It's like a test maybe for me. How I want to proceed. In which direction I want to go. I am actually quite happy how things are now. It's great to be an unavailable single. Being single itself really sucks at times. You kind of always look. But the way it is for me is really different. I am not interested at all but of course I wish somebody special would be more communicative and sharing. Still. I mean, it's not like I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I have those scenarios in my head in which I try to imagine what I should have done in certain situations and how it might have changed the outcome. It's a futile endeavor, of course, but I can't help it.
Looking at everything I still don't know whether it's okay to be me. Haha. But really. There is a need to demand respect from people close to you and I just seem to have a very hard time to demand this. I always find understanding for the most fucked up situations and forgive but then a part of me can't move on. A part of me still nags and nags and can't keep it down.
I have a lot of good memories.
nobody next to me.
no things of other people around me.
no smell of smoke in the room.
it is great!
I love to be by myself. oh yeah.
so Blake called me out of the blue. I forgot that he was coming to LA. Told me he has a culture shock, still, and is slowly getting used to being here. (He'll be here until may or so) I laughed a lot because it seemed all so predictable in a way. Seems as if everybody, even if they were American at a point, has to go through this in the beginning. Coming from Berlin to LA isn't that easy for some weird reason. 'The way the people talk to each other, the thousands of cars, the traffic, the BIG cars (hahaha, I remember being bummed out about that, now I even don't see it anymore!), the plastic...'
So Blake was this guy I met in Berlin who was from LA and had just decided to stay in Berlin for one more year whereas I just ahd decided to move to LA. So that was kinda funny in a way and it's weird to think that we'll meet here now in LA. Weird. He had a really great apartment in eastern Berlin, high ceilings, red walls and a great roof where you could have nice secret dinners (I didn't, but I liked the idea). Looking out of his window you could see this house across the street that looked like a sunset. It was painted red, orange, gold, yellow, like a sunset, in warm earthy colors like the houses in Rome, it was insanly beautiful. Phew, what a view!
I'll see him this friday and I am kind of nervous, to be quite honest but I am sure it will be all fine....Weird, but fine. I mean...so much has happened. Really. I feel like I am an entirely different person from how he knew me. There are a lot of things that I do now that I didn't do then and there are a lot of things that I don't do anymore that I did then.
Oh well....clap, clap, clap!
The sun is making her way to my window...I am listening to a classical Tango piece. Yesterday night we had a little 'cocktail' party here, Erika and Amanda made a spontaneous decision about that. We had Amanda's boyfriend and his friends over. It was quite fun, although I didn't feel like socialising. One of Noah's bandmembers, Joe, was so funny that I actually laughed through the whole evening, plus, he actually got my sense of humor which was delighting. Usually people just think that I am just really really weird but it's nice every now and then when somebody seems to get it...Chifflo came over later, too, and he and Tiff seem to be all back together...She cooked him spaghetti at 2 AM and the way he held her from behind while she was cooking triggered a lot of my own cooking memories to resurface. Beautiful. But lonely. Well, whatever. It's all good. I am thinking a lot about what happened and that Blake just called now. It's like a test maybe for me. How I want to proceed. In which direction I want to go. I am actually quite happy how things are now. It's great to be an unavailable single. Being single itself really sucks at times. You kind of always look. But the way it is for me is really different. I am not interested at all but of course I wish somebody special would be more communicative and sharing. Still. I mean, it's not like I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I have those scenarios in my head in which I try to imagine what I should have done in certain situations and how it might have changed the outcome. It's a futile endeavor, of course, but I can't help it.
Looking at everything I still don't know whether it's okay to be me. Haha. But really. There is a need to demand respect from people close to you and I just seem to have a very hard time to demand this. I always find understanding for the most fucked up situations and forgive but then a part of me can't move on. A part of me still nags and nags and can't keep it down.
I have a lot of good memories.
Monday, December 04, 2006
kate strand again
i just had to post the link again. I love her songs. Oh my.
another less pleasant thing on my mind is botox and everything else they use to make themselves look younger.
OLD WOMEN WITH SMOOTH FACES FREAK THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
I can't believe that. Here are so many people who do that. And I can't stop staring...Just imagine. Who knows me knows that I already have a hard time not staring at people anyways. It takes so long for me to take someone's beauty in. As a portrait painter I savor every inch of their faces. But now I am just freaked out and can't stop looking. I try to understand by looking at them.
I try to understand WHY in the hell they would choose to lie so blatantly and desperately. It's an obvious lie. And everybody knows it. I mean, I wouldn't take no word from someone who is known to be a liar. I just wouldn't bother to take his word. Why do they think anybody would take their 'beauty' manifested in less wrinkles and smoother skin if it's such an obvious and blatant lie? WHY WHY WHY? I mean, if it is an actress, a famous one and she has really a point in doing that because the business works that way, like, lets say, she'll get better roles by doing that. OKAY. I can understand that. Not agree with that but understand the motivation. However, if it's just a random bored rich woman?
FUCK OFF! For who do you do that? What happened to our society and to us that so many people would choose to lie to themselves and to their lovers and husbands and children? For the sake of an obvious illusion? Appearance? It seems such a waste of money and time to me. Instead of CREATING something.
Okay.
I was bound to hate that. To despise that. Right? I mean, with my upbringing and background and all.
It was bound to happen.
There is no way I can ever nod my head and say, if that's what they like...
I CAN'T.
Why?
BEcause it DOES bother me, that in our society lying seems to be so accepted. And now, who wants to tell me it's not a lie? IT IS A LIE>
I can't get over it. Okay so I am gonna go now. I just get all wound up thinking of it.
Happy Advent Time to everybody!
Smiles (So I get lots of crow wrinkles yeay!)
G.
another less pleasant thing on my mind is botox and everything else they use to make themselves look younger.
OLD WOMEN WITH SMOOTH FACES FREAK THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
I can't believe that. Here are so many people who do that. And I can't stop staring...Just imagine. Who knows me knows that I already have a hard time not staring at people anyways. It takes so long for me to take someone's beauty in. As a portrait painter I savor every inch of their faces. But now I am just freaked out and can't stop looking. I try to understand by looking at them.
I try to understand WHY in the hell they would choose to lie so blatantly and desperately. It's an obvious lie. And everybody knows it. I mean, I wouldn't take no word from someone who is known to be a liar. I just wouldn't bother to take his word. Why do they think anybody would take their 'beauty' manifested in less wrinkles and smoother skin if it's such an obvious and blatant lie? WHY WHY WHY? I mean, if it is an actress, a famous one and she has really a point in doing that because the business works that way, like, lets say, she'll get better roles by doing that. OKAY. I can understand that. Not agree with that but understand the motivation. However, if it's just a random bored rich woman?
FUCK OFF! For who do you do that? What happened to our society and to us that so many people would choose to lie to themselves and to their lovers and husbands and children? For the sake of an obvious illusion? Appearance? It seems such a waste of money and time to me. Instead of CREATING something.
Okay.
I was bound to hate that. To despise that. Right? I mean, with my upbringing and background and all.
It was bound to happen.
There is no way I can ever nod my head and say, if that's what they like...
I CAN'T.
Why?
BEcause it DOES bother me, that in our society lying seems to be so accepted. And now, who wants to tell me it's not a lie? IT IS A LIE>
I can't get over it. Okay so I am gonna go now. I just get all wound up thinking of it.
Happy Advent Time to everybody!
Smiles (So I get lots of crow wrinkles yeay!)
G.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
you can turn it as you like
but in the end I'll always will feel most comfortable and happy and at home when I am outdoors around a campfire.
I've just been thinking about that.
Putting my clothes into my new closet.
How I miss just sitting outdoors and having the smoke in my face. Trying to get the fire going. Kneeling in dirt. That's me right there. And then with an old guitar, singing songs that go straight into heaven, where the stars are. With the smoke. Lingering in the trees for a moment just to fly off seconds later. Then rolling myself together in a damp sleeping bag. Getting warm slowly. Hearing the others sleep. Maybe staying awake, staring into the fire and keeping it going so the others won't freeze or get burnt. Guarding. Then waking someone up to take another shift and drifting away into a light slumber.
Then a deep sleep. And waking up with the dew and the first sun rays. And the birds. And Borbeth. One eye open. Making myself get out of the sleeping bag, uh, so cold and greeting the day. Never have I been closer to God nor to myself than during those days and nights.
I've just been thinking about that.
Putting my clothes into my new closet.
How I miss just sitting outdoors and having the smoke in my face. Trying to get the fire going. Kneeling in dirt. That's me right there. And then with an old guitar, singing songs that go straight into heaven, where the stars are. With the smoke. Lingering in the trees for a moment just to fly off seconds later. Then rolling myself together in a damp sleeping bag. Getting warm slowly. Hearing the others sleep. Maybe staying awake, staring into the fire and keeping it going so the others won't freeze or get burnt. Guarding. Then waking someone up to take another shift and drifting away into a light slumber.
Then a deep sleep. And waking up with the dew and the first sun rays. And the birds. And Borbeth. One eye open. Making myself get out of the sleeping bag, uh, so cold and greeting the day. Never have I been closer to God nor to myself than during those days and nights.
Monday, November 27, 2006
KATE STRAND and other gorgeous things in this world
http://www.myspace.com/katestrand - click on the title to get to Kate's myspace website! Listen to her song! Love her just as I do!!!!
I am so proud to have such beautiful friends. Can you believe she is only 20. She is the most gorgeous and wonderful person you can imagine. She and Amanda and Tiffany and Marie are such wonderful women - all singers - in my life who have all a perfect ray of light inside themselves to share with us.
It's great. Don't forget to listen to 'closely' on her site too! It's a FUCK YOU song :)
Isn't she great? I am marvelling.
So life is great. I have my own little 'ship' now. That is my way of trying to talk myself into believing that I don't need another six months of staring at trees. My room is very little and has windows at two sides. I look at windows of a big apartment complex at one side. At the other I see crackheads, homeless and pissers go about their twilight businesses in the back of a parking lot and behind dumpsters. Around the corner I can catch the glance on a tree but it looks kinda hapless and sad inbetween our houses. I hear the dumpster truck at 4 AM in the morning and a neverending air conditioner blows it's way through my attention. I will get used to it. Ironically this is the only room I didn't want and it's funny how things go. I realized at the very day we moved that I can't live yet another year without my own bed or space so I told poor Tiffany I can't share with her a room after all which means for both of us financial troubles. But it's the only way it's gonna work. I started being a grumpy gege already. I suspect that my wish to have a room with view at trees came really from the fear of not having my own space. Now that I have it, it's okay to look at hapless things. I also see the Columbia Records tower which is framed by trees (ha! trees! haha) and a bunch of other ugly Hollywood things.
This room indeed feels like a ship though and so things fit into my life-view (I always wanted to become a Capitan!) and I figured that this view is a perfect inspiration for my writing while I can always go out on the porch with the lovely palm tree and courtyard view if I want to play music.
I am still looking for a name for my ship though!
Other than that i am about to try to get my life tightly together. I mean, you can never give up right!
Heartwise everything is back on track. I still love my Dany with all my heart but I don't hurt anymore. I am very fine with things being how they are. Being single is even greater than before because now I am not looking at all. I don't wonder whether there is someone outthere who is for me to love. I don't care. If something happens, totally unexpected, I am not gonna run away but so far I just enjoy to watch how love transforms itself and shows me different faces. I didn't fall out of love. I go to bed thinking of Dany and it just makes me happy and not sad anymore. I feel as if this can help me give my best and do exactly what I came here for.
My nanny family gave me a very expensive and awesome bed, I haven't slept so well in ages. She said 'but it's a single bed' and I laughed and said, that's perfect because I am single.
See how things fit together.
I am so proud to have such beautiful friends. Can you believe she is only 20. She is the most gorgeous and wonderful person you can imagine. She and Amanda and Tiffany and Marie are such wonderful women - all singers - in my life who have all a perfect ray of light inside themselves to share with us.
It's great. Don't forget to listen to 'closely' on her site too! It's a FUCK YOU song :)
Isn't she great? I am marvelling.
So life is great. I have my own little 'ship' now. That is my way of trying to talk myself into believing that I don't need another six months of staring at trees. My room is very little and has windows at two sides. I look at windows of a big apartment complex at one side. At the other I see crackheads, homeless and pissers go about their twilight businesses in the back of a parking lot and behind dumpsters. Around the corner I can catch the glance on a tree but it looks kinda hapless and sad inbetween our houses. I hear the dumpster truck at 4 AM in the morning and a neverending air conditioner blows it's way through my attention. I will get used to it. Ironically this is the only room I didn't want and it's funny how things go. I realized at the very day we moved that I can't live yet another year without my own bed or space so I told poor Tiffany I can't share with her a room after all which means for both of us financial troubles. But it's the only way it's gonna work. I started being a grumpy gege already. I suspect that my wish to have a room with view at trees came really from the fear of not having my own space. Now that I have it, it's okay to look at hapless things. I also see the Columbia Records tower which is framed by trees (ha! trees! haha) and a bunch of other ugly Hollywood things.
This room indeed feels like a ship though and so things fit into my life-view (I always wanted to become a Capitan!) and I figured that this view is a perfect inspiration for my writing while I can always go out on the porch with the lovely palm tree and courtyard view if I want to play music.
I am still looking for a name for my ship though!
Other than that i am about to try to get my life tightly together. I mean, you can never give up right!
Heartwise everything is back on track. I still love my Dany with all my heart but I don't hurt anymore. I am very fine with things being how they are. Being single is even greater than before because now I am not looking at all. I don't wonder whether there is someone outthere who is for me to love. I don't care. If something happens, totally unexpected, I am not gonna run away but so far I just enjoy to watch how love transforms itself and shows me different faces. I didn't fall out of love. I go to bed thinking of Dany and it just makes me happy and not sad anymore. I feel as if this can help me give my best and do exactly what I came here for.
My nanny family gave me a very expensive and awesome bed, I haven't slept so well in ages. She said 'but it's a single bed' and I laughed and said, that's perfect because I am single.
See how things fit together.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
cherry blossom girl
there was this song that i forgot but it was always in my head. now i found it again. cherr blossom girl.
and the song two posts earlier (soul to squeeze) was by the red hot chilli peppers, by the way, in case i forgot to mention that!
"Cherry Blossom Girl"
I don't want to be shy
Can't stand it anymore
I just want to say 'Hi'
To the one I love
Cherry blossom girl
I feel sick all day long
From not being with you
I just want to go out
Ever night for a while
Cherry blossom girl
Tell me why can't it be true
I never talk to you
People say that I should
I can pray everyday
For the moment to come
Cherry blossom girl
I just want to be sure
When I will come to you
When the time will be gone
You will be by my side
Cherry Blossom Girl
Tell me why can't it be true
I'll never love again
Can I say that to you
Will you run away
If I try to be true
Cherry blossom girl
Cherry blossom girl
I'll always be there for you
That means no time to waste
Whenever there's a chance
Cherry blossom girl
Tell me why can't it be true
and the song two posts earlier (soul to squeeze) was by the red hot chilli peppers, by the way, in case i forgot to mention that!
"Cherry Blossom Girl"
I don't want to be shy
Can't stand it anymore
I just want to say 'Hi'
To the one I love
Cherry blossom girl
I feel sick all day long
From not being with you
I just want to go out
Ever night for a while
Cherry blossom girl
Tell me why can't it be true
I never talk to you
People say that I should
I can pray everyday
For the moment to come
Cherry blossom girl
I just want to be sure
When I will come to you
When the time will be gone
You will be by my side
Cherry Blossom Girl
Tell me why can't it be true
I'll never love again
Can I say that to you
Will you run away
If I try to be true
Cherry blossom girl
Cherry blossom girl
I'll always be there for you
That means no time to waste
Whenever there's a chance
Cherry blossom girl
Tell me why can't it be true
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Cafe ETC, November 11, 2006
Shimps are Short-Impression-Stories. The term came to me in Cafe Mitte in Bale, Switzerland, a couple of years ago. I guess it's just another way of saying 'stream of consciousness babbling' or so.
This is the shimp of today:
Cafe Etc. At Selma and Cahuenga, Hollywood.
I'm sitting here, waiting for seconds to stop stretching like Kate in Yoga and pass by, like the people in front of the Cafe I am at. Amazement gathers at the bottom of the pool as I watch emotions and thoughts run in circles and spirals, chasing their own tales, trying to find a way out of my body: human nature, so rich and so disturbingly multi-facetted. These are the ills of a society, I find myself thinking, in which people have nothing better to do than worry and over-analyze their own little petty lives in the big schemata of rolling thunders in history. Memories pile up and sometimes a fresh wind blows the dust off them and you catch a whiff of what was when and how but why you never really know. Mingeling with dreams they seem soloful like rainbows but ever so often they soften into a stark grey wall that crumbles and falls in the mids of overstretched seconds, raining heavy, fat, blue-greyish shimmering tears onto your soul.
The writer - an ordinarily crazy amateur, lunatic, in her early twenties. Switiching the old-fashioned pen from one hand to the other, trying to still and satisfy both, needs and wants, while remaining flexible. It's about time to move on she thinks and the bitter sweet taste of underlying sadness mixes with her saliva as she thinks of her older brother Trey and his fiancee Dre and the concerns she feels with regards to their future marriage. I hope, she mumbles into her two-shot-for-here Latte, that they all stay together! It's that we pray for their love for the sake of working out a proof that it is - possible...
You can only hope so much.
Now is the next morning and after a hefty, surprising rain that poured her heart into the hovering solitude of her refuge she claims that this morning is supposed to be cleansed, fresh, agreeable enjoyable and clear, in the now. Somehow.
Clarity is supposed to sink in and settle into my mind she hopes but all that she feels is the beat of Brazilian Bossa Nova coming out of the speaker bozes in rippling waves. Pleasurable; all that - but still confused.
A single page shall be enough. She thinks of David Levine and her buried passions for Simone Weil's writing and life and and old-fashioned type-writer in the middle of Berlin or somewhere, somewhen, else.
This is the shimp of today:
Cafe Etc. At Selma and Cahuenga, Hollywood.
I'm sitting here, waiting for seconds to stop stretching like Kate in Yoga and pass by, like the people in front of the Cafe I am at. Amazement gathers at the bottom of the pool as I watch emotions and thoughts run in circles and spirals, chasing their own tales, trying to find a way out of my body: human nature, so rich and so disturbingly multi-facetted. These are the ills of a society, I find myself thinking, in which people have nothing better to do than worry and over-analyze their own little petty lives in the big schemata of rolling thunders in history. Memories pile up and sometimes a fresh wind blows the dust off them and you catch a whiff of what was when and how but why you never really know. Mingeling with dreams they seem soloful like rainbows but ever so often they soften into a stark grey wall that crumbles and falls in the mids of overstretched seconds, raining heavy, fat, blue-greyish shimmering tears onto your soul.
The writer - an ordinarily crazy amateur, lunatic, in her early twenties. Switiching the old-fashioned pen from one hand to the other, trying to still and satisfy both, needs and wants, while remaining flexible. It's about time to move on she thinks and the bitter sweet taste of underlying sadness mixes with her saliva as she thinks of her older brother Trey and his fiancee Dre and the concerns she feels with regards to their future marriage. I hope, she mumbles into her two-shot-for-here Latte, that they all stay together! It's that we pray for their love for the sake of working out a proof that it is - possible...
You can only hope so much.
Now is the next morning and after a hefty, surprising rain that poured her heart into the hovering solitude of her refuge she claims that this morning is supposed to be cleansed, fresh, agreeable enjoyable and clear, in the now. Somehow.
Clarity is supposed to sink in and settle into my mind she hopes but all that she feels is the beat of Brazilian Bossa Nova coming out of the speaker bozes in rippling waves. Pleasurable; all that - but still confused.
A single page shall be enough. She thinks of David Levine and her buried passions for Simone Weil's writing and life and and old-fashioned type-writer in the middle of Berlin or somewhere, somewhen, else.
sometimes songs say it all
...and he always was best in finding the right songs at the right time.
I've got a bad disease
But from my brain is where I bleed.
Insanity it seems
Has got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from thee
With all the dying trees I scream.
The angels in my dreams (yeah)
Have turned to demons of greed that's mean.
Chorus:
Where I go I just don't know
I got to got to gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.
Today love smiled on me.
It took away my face say please
All that you had to free
You gotta let it be oh yeah.
Chorus
Oh, so polite indeed
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze
And take away my self destruction.
It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I'll be coming back baby,
I'll be coming back for more.
Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad
I could not forget
But I will not endeavor
Simple pleasures aren't as special
But I wont regret it never.
Chorus
Where I go I just don't know
I might end up somewhere in Mexico.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna keep you for the end of time.
I've got a bad disease
But from my brain is where I bleed.
Insanity it seems
Has got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from thee
With all the dying trees I scream.
The angels in my dreams (yeah)
Have turned to demons of greed that's mean.
Chorus:
Where I go I just don't know
I got to got to gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.
Today love smiled on me.
It took away my face say please
All that you had to free
You gotta let it be oh yeah.
Chorus
Oh, so polite indeed
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze
And take away my self destruction.
It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I'll be coming back baby,
I'll be coming back for more.
Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad
I could not forget
But I will not endeavor
Simple pleasures aren't as special
But I wont regret it never.
Chorus
Where I go I just don't know
I might end up somewhere in Mexico.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna keep you for the end of time.
free
So you are free to go now, whereever you want to. And whereever you go, there you are - That's one of those facts in life, that are just a fact no matter whether or not there is a sound when a tree falls in the middle of the forest without anybody seeing it. You know!
And they just stole my second bike. Within two days, it's crazy. I looked at the bikestand and just couldn't believe it. I don't belive what I am seeing I thought to myself but realized that I just gotta trust my eyes. And that's also one of these things that you just can't do anything about. He is stubborn, and he is proud and he is extreme and intense and all the lovely things that I love about him. And that's him and there is nothing we can do about it. I still would do it all over again and I still would choose to go the foggy road but that's just not what life has in store for us. Not now.
And they just stole my second bike. Within two days, it's crazy. I looked at the bikestand and just couldn't believe it. I don't belive what I am seeing I thought to myself but realized that I just gotta trust my eyes. And that's also one of these things that you just can't do anything about. He is stubborn, and he is proud and he is extreme and intense and all the lovely things that I love about him. And that's him and there is nothing we can do about it. I still would do it all over again and I still would choose to go the foggy road but that's just not what life has in store for us. Not now.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Love Her Madly
Dont you love her madly, dont you need her badlyDont you love her ways, tell me what you say
Dont you love her madly, wanna be her daddy
Dont you love her face
Dont you love her as shes walkin out the door
Like she did one thousand times before
Dont you love her ways, tell me what you say
Dont you love her as shes walkin out the door
All your love x4
All your love is gone,
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream,
Seven horses seem to be on the mark
Yeah, dont you love her
Dont you love her as shes walkin out the door
All your love x3
Yeah, all your love is gone
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream
Seven horses seem to be on the mark
Well, dont you love her madly
Dont you love her madly
Dont you love her madly
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
in charge
So this is our first flyer for our first gig yeah yeah yeah. :)
In Charge.
When is a person in charge? A person is in charge, as I have already explained in a different post, when he or she is his/her own king/queen.
When am I in charge?
When I realize, fully, not only in my head but in my hands, as well, that it is my decision to be heart broken or sovereign.
That's it! Everybody....
Sunday, October 22, 2006
bob dylan
So it worked all out! I took Amanda for her birthday to the Bob Dylan and His Band concert in Long Beach. We actually got to stand in the first row in front of the stage... I would have loved to take someone else special to me to this concert but you know how things work out...always different from what we think or wish. yeah. so that was amazingly beautiful. A big part of the joy and excitement came certainly from making this surprise. Amanda totally didn't know where we were going and I made this whole story up about how I was gonna take her to San Diego and lalala, maybe a ship ride, maybe the aquarium, maybe sth else? It was so great. Man, she really really didn't know where we were going. Then, the Convention Center in Long Beach happens to have whales and fish painted on the whales so she believed it was in fact the aquarium but she was wondering what in the hell all those people were doing who were sitting in line in front of it...
So i was going to take her to dinner first, as soon as I got the tickets, but on the way to find a restaurant she spied an advertisment for the concert and started screaming and I almost peed in my pants because I really needed to find a bathroom and us laughing like crazy really didn't help.... The concert was am-azing. Really awesomely great. I am so happy it all worked out....
First I didn't find my bank card which I needed to pick the tickets up at will call and then my sister's apartment was locked and the keys to the car where in there but I happened to have a copy of the key (which I forgot since I made it months and months ago, but oh, how clever that was!) and so we could finally hit the road. Her gorgeous boyfriend Noah drove us to Santa Monica and all in all it was a wonderful day that we started by hiking up Runyon Canyon and I love my life.
(pics will come later, blogger doesn't show the pick upload link thing right now..., but trust me, it was so amazing!!!!!)
So i was going to take her to dinner first, as soon as I got the tickets, but on the way to find a restaurant she spied an advertisment for the concert and started screaming and I almost peed in my pants because I really needed to find a bathroom and us laughing like crazy really didn't help.... The concert was am-azing. Really awesomely great. I am so happy it all worked out....
First I didn't find my bank card which I needed to pick the tickets up at will call and then my sister's apartment was locked and the keys to the car where in there but I happened to have a copy of the key (which I forgot since I made it months and months ago, but oh, how clever that was!) and so we could finally hit the road. Her gorgeous boyfriend Noah drove us to Santa Monica and all in all it was a wonderful day that we started by hiking up Runyon Canyon and I love my life.
(pics will come later, blogger doesn't show the pick upload link thing right now..., but trust me, it was so amazing!!!!!)
Saturday, October 21, 2006
OUR FIRST GIG!
We got our first gig!!! Damn, yeai, hooray! Yip yip yuppie!~
So Tiffany, Magnus, hopefully Miles and I and hopefully a yet to be found bass player are going to have a gig at Highland Grounds on November 3d, 2006, 11 PM!!!
Man, that's so great and so awesome I can't really explain how great that is because you'd have to be here to know... It's something else to play outside MI and it's not an open mic. We had such awesome energy at our first 'gig' (the finals concert for MI in the Knitting Factory when Tiffany graduated) on stage...it was amazing. (this pic is her, me at the left (half of me) and miles in the background...we dressed up like pirates kinda, i even wore an eye patch and it was hell of irritating to play with only one eye!) And I can't wait to be on stage again and rock it with those amazing people. Tiffany is a really great singer, she has great lyrics and I love love love her songs.
Yeai! I wish you all could be here! If you are, come by!
We'll rock your night....
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
reminder
It just seems as if I couldn't listen to a couple of certain songs during this time of the month, you know, when women get all fragile and emotional, built close to the water, they say.
I don't know anymore what is the illusion. Is it me convincing myself that everything is okay (because it has to) or is it me thinking that it isn't, after all (because the song reminds me of you)? It's just sometimes, I just wish. You know, that I could be with you. And share so much more. Oh well. It's all over now baby blue. 'Leave your stepping stones behind you something calls for you....Forget the dead you left, they won't follow you...Strike another match, start anew....'
Maybe I have to follow my dad's advice and in order to find out what i REALLY feel I would have to stop listening to music completely.
that would be an interesting experiment, huh?
And I see myself already vanishing, reluctantly of course, and next summer I will probably (hopefully) spend in Romania, where your father came from (Transsylvania),
and then I will reside in the beautiful city of Dresden (hopefully, if they accept me at the TU)
(I've actually slept under this bridge in 2001 or so...when I was on a trip through Germany with my sister. We slept at the craziest places imaginable and the bridge just was one of them...)
and I will just be alright, I guess. Assumably.
I hope that I can meet my Godfather and play some guitar with him. Maybe get 'Sara' and 'One more cup of coffee' down, possible 'Lay Lady Lay'...
You know, looking at pics for Dresden I just realized: they, too, rebuild it, after total destruction.
I guess the same is possible with just about everything and everyone. no!? Look, how beautiful the 'Frauenkirche' is now,
after so many years of reconstructing (the black stones in the walls are from the ruins...go figure!). I remember when we were in Dresden for the first time and I was maybe 11 and saw my dad cry for the first time in my life. He stood in front of the church and cried. I remember thinking: how can my dad cry??? It moved me more than anything before I think. It was a historic moment for some reason.
That's how this beautiful church used to be, she was Dresden's pride and love:
I don't know anymore what is the illusion. Is it me convincing myself that everything is okay (because it has to) or is it me thinking that it isn't, after all (because the song reminds me of you)? It's just sometimes, I just wish. You know, that I could be with you. And share so much more. Oh well. It's all over now baby blue. 'Leave your stepping stones behind you something calls for you....Forget the dead you left, they won't follow you...Strike another match, start anew....'
Maybe I have to follow my dad's advice and in order to find out what i REALLY feel I would have to stop listening to music completely.
that would be an interesting experiment, huh?
And I see myself already vanishing, reluctantly of course, and next summer I will probably (hopefully) spend in Romania, where your father came from (Transsylvania),
and then I will reside in the beautiful city of Dresden (hopefully, if they accept me at the TU)
(I've actually slept under this bridge in 2001 or so...when I was on a trip through Germany with my sister. We slept at the craziest places imaginable and the bridge just was one of them...)and I will just be alright, I guess. Assumably.
I hope that I can meet my Godfather and play some guitar with him. Maybe get 'Sara' and 'One more cup of coffee' down, possible 'Lay Lady Lay'...
You know, looking at pics for Dresden I just realized: they, too, rebuild it, after total destruction.
I guess the same is possible with just about everything and everyone. no!? Look, how beautiful the 'Frauenkirche' is now,after so many years of reconstructing (the black stones in the walls are from the ruins...go figure!). I remember when we were in Dresden for the first time and I was maybe 11 and saw my dad cry for the first time in my life. He stood in front of the church and cried. I remember thinking: how can my dad cry??? It moved me more than anything before I think. It was a historic moment for some reason.
That's how this beautiful church used to be, she was Dresden's pride and love:
Saturday, October 14, 2006
heppy birthday
so it's your 21 birthday -finally!
and I wish you just the best of luck and love. the thing is, as soon as you realise it, you will see that you deserve all of it. why wait any longer for the world to begin? you can have it, your cake and eat it too! (lay lady lay still just makes me so heppy. I could listen to it days and days in a row and never get tired of it!)
most of all, however, I wish you plenty plenty of children to be around you and in your life, always and forever because you are the best with them!!!
and I wish for you to look at the sky every day and every night and praise the beauty of God in everything and sing a little song in your heart for every day is a good day to live and a good day to die. And continue blessing the world with your charme and your smiles and your love and your strength and keep asking for wisdom.....for when we ask it will be given to us. :) Just knock at the door, and there is nothing that is impossible, really...
And...children are everywhere!
You will be all right.
And I Love You!
and I wish you just the best of luck and love. the thing is, as soon as you realise it, you will see that you deserve all of it. why wait any longer for the world to begin? you can have it, your cake and eat it too! (lay lady lay still just makes me so heppy. I could listen to it days and days in a row and never get tired of it!)
most of all, however, I wish you plenty plenty of children to be around you and in your life, always and forever because you are the best with them!!!
and I wish for you to look at the sky every day and every night and praise the beauty of God in everything and sing a little song in your heart for every day is a good day to live and a good day to die. And continue blessing the world with your charme and your smiles and your love and your strength and keep asking for wisdom.....for when we ask it will be given to us. :) Just knock at the door, and there is nothing that is impossible, really...
And...children are everywhere!
You will be all right.
And I Love You!
Friday, October 13, 2006
why OH why
are babies and children so DAMN CUTE????!!!!!
Ah!!!!!!!
Today I felt like a mom. I felt the adorable weight of a baby on my hips as she was snugging her cute little face into the corner between my head and shoulders... Her tiny little hands held mine with a surprising strength and her eyes looked like two black seas. Her sister, four years old, has curly hair and reminded me of course of Dany, well, oh well, and she was the CUTEST GIRL ever! How she squinted her eyes when she was laughing, and how quickly she forgot aobut her crying when she fell and I told her a German saying that blows the pain - wush! - away!
The two little twin boys I am nannying are as well just overwhelmingly awesome. Sometimes, however, I have the feeling as if they were blaming me for taking their mom away from them. Well. It's not easy when the mom is actually still in the house. But both parents work from home so that makes it a little difficult.
Oh man, as I was standing outside the house, with the baby on my arm and watching for the kids playing in the street I overwhelmingly felt how everything that is motherly and female inside of me just streamed together in one sweet spot and rekindled the wish to have my own kids soon. It just would be great. I would be a great mom and it would be all I would want to do.
HAHA~!
But I am NOT KIDDING!
But for now I will just take care of other people's kids. lol
I am still waiting... for YOU!
why OH why
are babies and children so DAMN CUTE????!!!!!
Ah!!!!!!!
Today I felt like a mom. I felt the adorable weight of a baby on my hips as she was snugging her cute little face into the corner between my head and shoulders... Her tiny little hands held mine with a surprising strength and her eyes looked like two black seas. Her sister, four years old, has curly hair and reminded me of course of Dany, well, oh well, and she was the CUTEST GIRL ever! How she squinted her eyes when she was laughing, and how quickly she forgot aobut her crying when she fell and I told her a German saying that blows the pain - wush! - away!
The two little twin boys I am nannying are as well just overwhelmingly awesome. Sometimes, however, I have the feeling as if they were blaming me for taking their mom away from them. Well. It's not easy when the mom is actually still in the house. But both parents work from home so that makes it a little difficult.
Oh man, as I was standing outside the house, with the baby on my arm and watching for the kids playing in the street I overwhelmingly felt how everything that is motherly and female inside of me just streamed together in one sweet spot and rekindled the wish to have my own kids soon. It just would be great. I would be a great mom and it would be all I would want to do.
HAHA~!
But I am NOT KIDDING!
But for now I will just take care of other people's kids. lol
I am still waiting... for YOU!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
remember
when you told me to download the Eagles' 'peaceful easy feeling' since it made you think of me and made you feel good?
this song makes me feel good, and i guess it's more the sound than the lyrics that makes me so heppy, but after looking the lyrics up i found them to be really - err, nice :)
my second day as a nanny passed and you will soon get the update about THAT! I have to really COME TO TERMS with that whole thing, so I wait until my first day frustration has settled. the second day was already better and i didn't choke or throw up or start screaming when the lady told me in all earnesty that the two carpets in the 'living room' (looks more like a *uhm* museum room, but OH WELL!) are worth like 'literally two cars!'
WOW.
okay but the boys are sweeties. and waldorf kids, i.e. they are very easy to play with. no jumping around from one thing to the next every minute. they actually can sit down and DO and PLAY something for a loooong time.
:)
this song makes me feel good, and i guess it's more the sound than the lyrics that makes me so heppy, but after looking the lyrics up i found them to be really - err, nice :)
my second day as a nanny passed and you will soon get the update about THAT! I have to really COME TO TERMS with that whole thing, so I wait until my first day frustration has settled. the second day was already better and i didn't choke or throw up or start screaming when the lady told me in all earnesty that the two carpets in the 'living room' (looks more like a *uhm* museum room, but OH WELL!) are worth like 'literally two cars!'
WOW.
okay but the boys are sweeties. and waldorf kids, i.e. they are very easy to play with. no jumping around from one thing to the next every minute. they actually can sit down and DO and PLAY something for a loooong time.
:)
Sunday, October 08, 2006
santa barbara, oh santa barbara
I came to St Barbara to 'clear' my mind. You know. Give this little voice within a chance to talk to me.
Or so I thought. As always in life, it all turned out differently...
I spent the last couple of days with my beloved oldest aunt from Alaska. Amazing wonder woman. Sometimes I think my Mom is here, makes me miss her more and love her more and for some reason I start to get to know my MOM in a new way, because I get to know her sister!
It is fun-tastic. She is my birdy-aunt. I can relate! And we are spinning a lot of stories, it is incredibly inspiring and it does change a lot inside myself. Well, oh well, maybe it wasn't my little voice that I needed to hear but hers!!!!
So I am in Santa Barbara, in the triangle that is called 'the paradise'. This is how you get up here, when you take the pacific coast highway:
Isn't it just in-cre-di-ble!
So although I really talk a LOT just about everything with my gorgeous awesome aunt, I also WALK a lot at the beach and enjoy the sun and the full moon reflecting in the eternally crashing waves... they crash the same way, you know, as they did back when Homer wrote or told the Odysee!
So yesterday was full moon and my aunt and my cousins' daugther and I ran to the beach to be silly and fullmoony. Sang songs and danced in the sand... and there was a dad with his two kids who was fishing, and he just caught a fish when we arrived and we asked him whether he eats them or puts them back into the water and he said, oh well, we put them back, we don't know how good they taste! My Alaskan aunt just stared at me, (she is 64 but totally doesn't seem like that! or if so, just in the perfect positive sense) and suddenly she mumbled 'straaange!' and started giggeling and we had to run away because it was so hilarious and funny.
And when I came back from an extremely long walk today, during which I realized that my oldest sister is incredibly admirable and amazing in what she is doing and accomplishing with my niece's career I saw a seal on a rock!!! I haven't seen seals around here yet! Oh! so pretty!!!!!!! And I met Alissa and Kimberly, two adorable girls, half Italian, half American and Alissa helped me paint my aquarell painting and Kimberly was amazing in doing acrobatics with me~! I just LOVE kids. And I am just so helplessly un-business-savy, it's sad, almost. I could have probably pitched myself as a great nanny, and give them my number, i mean, who knows, they are probably filthy rich St. Barbarians! But i didn't because somehow I don't like doing it. WHATEVER! It was so much FUN!
and on the way back I saw all those birds... and I was just...
HEPPY
Or so I thought. As always in life, it all turned out differently...
I spent the last couple of days with my beloved oldest aunt from Alaska. Amazing wonder woman. Sometimes I think my Mom is here, makes me miss her more and love her more and for some reason I start to get to know my MOM in a new way, because I get to know her sister!
It is fun-tastic. She is my birdy-aunt. I can relate! And we are spinning a lot of stories, it is incredibly inspiring and it does change a lot inside myself. Well, oh well, maybe it wasn't my little voice that I needed to hear but hers!!!!
So I am in Santa Barbara, in the triangle that is called 'the paradise'. This is how you get up here, when you take the pacific coast highway:
Isn't it just in-cre-di-ble!
So although I really talk a LOT just about everything with my gorgeous awesome aunt, I also WALK a lot at the beach and enjoy the sun and the full moon reflecting in the eternally crashing waves... they crash the same way, you know, as they did back when Homer wrote or told the Odysee!
So yesterday was full moon and my aunt and my cousins' daugther and I ran to the beach to be silly and fullmoony. Sang songs and danced in the sand... and there was a dad with his two kids who was fishing, and he just caught a fish when we arrived and we asked him whether he eats them or puts them back into the water and he said, oh well, we put them back, we don't know how good they taste! My Alaskan aunt just stared at me, (she is 64 but totally doesn't seem like that! or if so, just in the perfect positive sense) and suddenly she mumbled 'straaange!' and started giggeling and we had to run away because it was so hilarious and funny.
And when I came back from an extremely long walk today, during which I realized that my oldest sister is incredibly admirable and amazing in what she is doing and accomplishing with my niece's career I saw a seal on a rock!!! I haven't seen seals around here yet! Oh! so pretty!!!!!!! And I met Alissa and Kimberly, two adorable girls, half Italian, half American and Alissa helped me paint my aquarell painting and Kimberly was amazing in doing acrobatics with me~! I just LOVE kids. And I am just so helplessly un-business-savy, it's sad, almost. I could have probably pitched myself as a great nanny, and give them my number, i mean, who knows, they are probably filthy rich St. Barbarians! But i didn't because somehow I don't like doing it. WHATEVER! It was so much FUN!
and on the way back I saw all those birds... and I was just...
HEPPY
Saturday, October 07, 2006
that's the kind..
..of art projects that i get excited about...
I could probably come up with an explanation why but I guess I won't now. It's three AM and I just had a gorgeous three hour conversation with my oldest aunt from Alaska. It was so exciting and interesting to hear about her life and her perspective on things. I can't explain how thrilled I really am. She is my 'birdy' aunt and we definitely share the love for those sweet beings on our precious blue planet:
she has actually an exciting bird project going on in Alaska right now, documenting and recording and filming the Alaskan singbirds...
and man, it took me 23 years to be able to talk to her for real, since we never really had a chance, plus, I was always just a kid in the flood of cousins that gather yearly in Alaska (well I did only once in five years or so but I mingled anyhow with the rest of the crowd)
I love my family, that's all i can say at this point. It is exciting to be part of a large family and man, it is funny to listen to all those stories - it is funnier than many a sitcom I've seen. She is probably right when she says that a docu of their family meetings in which they try to manage the heritage, the land and the childhood issues would make look the Osbournes normal.
And I understand and see my Mom suddenly from a whole new angle. Oh Mom I love you so much...!!!
so much for late night rambling!
Good Night everybody
I could probably come up with an explanation why but I guess I won't now. It's three AM and I just had a gorgeous three hour conversation with my oldest aunt from Alaska. It was so exciting and interesting to hear about her life and her perspective on things. I can't explain how thrilled I really am. She is my 'birdy' aunt and we definitely share the love for those sweet beings on our precious blue planet:
she has actually an exciting bird project going on in Alaska right now, documenting and recording and filming the Alaskan singbirds...
and man, it took me 23 years to be able to talk to her for real, since we never really had a chance, plus, I was always just a kid in the flood of cousins that gather yearly in Alaska (well I did only once in five years or so but I mingled anyhow with the rest of the crowd)
I love my family, that's all i can say at this point. It is exciting to be part of a large family and man, it is funny to listen to all those stories - it is funnier than many a sitcom I've seen. She is probably right when she says that a docu of their family meetings in which they try to manage the heritage, the land and the childhood issues would make look the Osbournes normal.
And I understand and see my Mom suddenly from a whole new angle. Oh Mom I love you so much...!!!
so much for late night rambling!
Good Night everybody
Friday, October 06, 2006
the small and the powerful
I was never afraid to suffer. Neither did I deny when I suffered. In a way I think I've always been a very altruistic kind of person. As soon as I woke up from my beautiful childhood dreams I started to suffer: the extinction of animals, the plight of the whales, the pollution of the planet, the poor and the weak. It's hard for me to walk past a homeless person or a beggar, it is wonderful for me when i can at least give a comforting smile or word, in case they happen to look into my eyes when i walk by. It is interesting how often they do not because they are not used to being looked at like human beings. I just say hello or Good Morning to the residentials in Hollywood and it took one guy approximately three weeks to realize that I actually mean him when I say Good Morning.
I found this little story, accompanying a picture of a north hollywood homeless guy on flickr: (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static.flickr.com/55/124554077_f1b3b19fc4_m.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/zollo/with/124554079/&h=213&w=240&sz=33&hl=en&start=20&tbnid=cvfmAadKiY25MM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhomeless%2Bin%2Bhollywood%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DG) i know i know that sucks, but hey this link thing doesn't show on safari! hey, blogger! can you change that for me????
Anyways, here the story and the pic:
Homeless
in North Hollywood, he's
from Massachusetts, and said, "What was it that Three Dog Night said? Get rid of all the cars and all the wars?"
I gave him a cup of the sangria I was drinking, and he sat down at a nearby table to enjoy the free concert. My son and I were listening to the music, too, and he came over and showed us a little scar on his hand, and said, "Know what that is? A squirrel bite."
A few moments later, an elderly woman sitting near him came up to complain to me for giving him sangria,
saying that he smelled bad and now would stay. I didn't know what to say to her, and my little son was angry at her for saying that, knowing she has a shower in her home that Erik doesn't have. Then the woman complained to the owner of the cafe, who insisted that Erik leave, which really upset my son, who started to cry, and told me to please call the cops,
and have the cafe man fired for not being nice. I told him the cops wouldn't do that, but he didn't understand, and was upset most of the night. When we got home, he asked to see Erik's picture, and we both agreed that he has a nice face.
You know...these are the kind of stories that totally show a child's mind, well, at least how my mind worked too. And still does.
Mother Theresa is a woman who inspires me beyond words.
she is the one who pinpoints it so well: "You can’t do great things in this life…
You can do only little things with GREAT LOVE."
Great expectations often just hinder our doing. Everything has to be ready, this and that has to happen first and lalalalala. no! Even if we DO pursue 'greater goals' we still can and should do the little things with GREAT LOVE every day.
I think a lot about how much I love you and how I love and about love and how everything is alright.
I think about what I do and what I want to do and about how beautiful this world still is.
And I think about the small and the powerful. It's so funny how I met this girl in the greyhound bus to St. Barbara. When I travel I am always extremely alert and energetic, just thrilled to be on the road again. I feel most comfortable and ironically 'at home' when I am on the road. So you meet the right people to the right time and we were exactly the right people for each other. She studies international relations and political sciences and works in Mali for an NGO as a Grant Writer. It was extremely interesting to hear about her work and studies, since it is exactly what I want to do (spare the political sciences!). We both agreed on the predicament that although the powerful do have powers to change things in a bigger way it becomes less and less attractive and meaningful or senseful to go down this way since the real deal maybe, after all, really lies in the small. Just as Mother Theresa says, wherever God has put you, there is your vocation. I totally think she is right except for God has put me into a situation that is so blessed that I can choose where to go from there. I know that at home there is stuff to do too, but maybe I will go somewhere else. Who knows, but I guess what it boils down to is, that you just have to do what you do, but this with love. And if you become a figure like Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela then only because you did what you had to do. Not because you wanted to be powerful in the first place. But because you loved.
Good night everybody!
I found this little story, accompanying a picture of a north hollywood homeless guy on flickr: (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static.flickr.com/55/124554077_f1b3b19fc4_m.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/zollo/with/124554079/&h=213&w=240&sz=33&hl=en&start=20&tbnid=cvfmAadKiY25MM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhomeless%2Bin%2Bhollywood%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DG) i know i know that sucks, but hey this link thing doesn't show on safari! hey, blogger! can you change that for me????
Anyways, here the story and the pic:
Homeless
in North Hollywood, he's
from Massachusetts, and said, "What was it that Three Dog Night said? Get rid of all the cars and all the wars?"
I gave him a cup of the sangria I was drinking, and he sat down at a nearby table to enjoy the free concert. My son and I were listening to the music, too, and he came over and showed us a little scar on his hand, and said, "Know what that is? A squirrel bite."
A few moments later, an elderly woman sitting near him came up to complain to me for giving him sangria,
saying that he smelled bad and now would stay. I didn't know what to say to her, and my little son was angry at her for saying that, knowing she has a shower in her home that Erik doesn't have. Then the woman complained to the owner of the cafe, who insisted that Erik leave, which really upset my son, who started to cry, and told me to please call the cops,
and have the cafe man fired for not being nice. I told him the cops wouldn't do that, but he didn't understand, and was upset most of the night. When we got home, he asked to see Erik's picture, and we both agreed that he has a nice face.
You know...these are the kind of stories that totally show a child's mind, well, at least how my mind worked too. And still does.
Mother Theresa is a woman who inspires me beyond words.she is the one who pinpoints it so well: "You can’t do great things in this life…
You can do only little things with GREAT LOVE."
Great expectations often just hinder our doing. Everything has to be ready, this and that has to happen first and lalalalala. no! Even if we DO pursue 'greater goals' we still can and should do the little things with GREAT LOVE every day.
I think a lot about how much I love you and how I love and about love and how everything is alright.
I think about what I do and what I want to do and about how beautiful this world still is.
And I think about the small and the powerful. It's so funny how I met this girl in the greyhound bus to St. Barbara. When I travel I am always extremely alert and energetic, just thrilled to be on the road again. I feel most comfortable and ironically 'at home' when I am on the road. So you meet the right people to the right time and we were exactly the right people for each other. She studies international relations and political sciences and works in Mali for an NGO as a Grant Writer. It was extremely interesting to hear about her work and studies, since it is exactly what I want to do (spare the political sciences!). We both agreed on the predicament that although the powerful do have powers to change things in a bigger way it becomes less and less attractive and meaningful or senseful to go down this way since the real deal maybe, after all, really lies in the small. Just as Mother Theresa says, wherever God has put you, there is your vocation. I totally think she is right except for God has put me into a situation that is so blessed that I can choose where to go from there. I know that at home there is stuff to do too, but maybe I will go somewhere else. Who knows, but I guess what it boils down to is, that you just have to do what you do, but this with love. And if you become a figure like Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela then only because you did what you had to do. Not because you wanted to be powerful in the first place. But because you loved.
Good night everybody!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
life and love
You told me once, i remember even where you stood saying this, that sometimes in life you have to choose between love and life. I was going to chose love I guess but somehow I wounded up with life here....
And it too, is beautiful, my love:
Thinking about this, however, I found this only to be half true, because for some reason life and love has never really been two different things for me. Life has always been intrinsically connected to love and vice versa. I remember walking down the street to Buehlers in my little black forest hometown, I was maybe 12 or so and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that my love for this earth and for this life expanded so much that I felt the whole earth ball under my feet and I lay down in the grass, with my face down to the ground and hugged aned embraced the whole planet with my whole heart. And I always loved the whole world and in the same time little details like little flowers at the curb or the beautiful details of a saddle...
I think I know though what you meant. Love between a man and a woman is special, it is not this unconditional general kind of love. It is more specific and being with a person demands at times sacrifices in your lifestyle or even in the direction you thought your life would take, professionally or socially.
The best example for this is the princess who falls in love with the poor man and decides to live a life in poverty but in love with him.
I totally would do that.
But then too, I think and feel that God wouldn't give us a mission in life and a man/woman that doesn't match it. Before we really know our mission in life, however, we have to grow up.
So since I am thrown back to life, back to what I am good at, loving the earth and life and these human beings unconditionally and generally, I take it that I need to grow up and live on.
So do you. And I wish you good luck and love with that. I wish that you, too, can love and live. Nothing's been lost. Literally nothing. Some possibilities maybe, maybe a child, but in the same time there are so many new possibilities and so many new children that are waiting... We are not the one's to judge, we are the one's to live and love the best we can and to become free in our spirit from the tyranny of body and mind... :)) Oh, and horsebackriding, did I say that already, is a really good way of training this discipline...
'On the road again, at the break of time, our precious little things, companions on our way, crossing borders we are free, to travel as we please, create a sense of time, whereever we may go, for we are travelling people, forever on the move, lalalalalala, lalalalala. I am telling you, freedom is a pleasure song, I am telling you, freedom is a pleasure song. ...'
This song I heard so many mornings when we went on trips with our class and my teacher would wake us up with the accordeon..... So many things I wish you had heard and seen and lived, too... with me :) But it is all good because...you know love isn't restricted to space nor time...this is for you too:
and this:
yes I wished you could have been there, but somehow you maybe are....anyways!
At the horse farm...
why
since the cafe across the street burnt down i am more and more to be found at the cafe solar. it has free internet access and i can do my online-german lessons there without any problems. kinda nice atmosphere except for all those busy laptop/powerbook people get on my nevers *laugh* since I am one of them I can say that we all suck. WHATEVER. I actually get more annoyed nowadays by people like me who always think they have to be annoyed by someone. chit-chatting on how much other people suck. It's like, doh, what ever mofo, just mind your own business. There is this guy for example, who has a crush on a very good friend of mine and he is totally judgemental on the guys she likes. Whereas this is totally understandable I still hate how he arrogantly notes, that this guy is changing his style to fit into which ever scene he tries to fit in. It's like whatever, let people go through their phases. Who cares that you guys are the same age and that you went through that years ago. Who cares? Does she like you? No! So, either she is not on your level yet and what would you want with her then...huh?
oh i am rambling. sorry.
so I had a really good time with my gorgelicious Amanda... I don't have pics of me and Klodi yet, but as soon as I have them I'll post them....until then, here some pics of our horsebackriding and beach adventures!~
oh there was a rainbow adventure too. we had to kiss this guy, since he was going to marry the next day.... and Jacob was really pissed that they let Amanda in although she isn't 21 either but, hey, she has tits!~!! lol. the world is injust and tittie-cramtion is not fair either but a reality... especially in Hollywood.
oh and we went to this exhibition at this galery where Amanda will exhibit her paintings *argh i m so jealous!* and met this guy who took all those iconic rock photographies...
and then i took my niece and my nephew and amanda and my niece's friend horsebackriding since my German student invited me to pay for me instead of paying for a lesson.... life is good like that!!! I love LOVE love horse back riding! It is such a good excercise of will, discipline, since the horses really react and feel immediately what you think, feel etc. and I love to be in Nature but everybody should know that by now~!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)