and when we came over the mountain to Berkely the heat dropped 40 degrees.
the desert was behind us and the air was boiling...
and this trip happened to be at a time when everything changed.
for ever
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
she showed me her wedding spot
on tamalpais mountain behind the Golden Gate Bridge....
and when we came over the mountain to Berkely the heat dropped 40 degrees.
the desert was behind us and the air was boiling...
and this trip happened to be at a time when everything changed.
for ever
and when we came over the mountain to Berkely the heat dropped 40 degrees.
the desert was behind us and the air was boiling...
and this trip happened to be at a time when everything changed.
for ever
Friday, June 23, 2006
who would have thought. bob dylan
1997. Bob Dylan released 'Time out of Mind' and with it the song 'love sick'.
I was best friends with Pedro, who taught me how to laugh again, Caspar, Viola and Regina, we painted and read a lot and spent whole afternoons with acting, like, who can cry most authentically and so forth.
Our class went to Slovenia, to the castle Borl, which we helped to restore with the Organization Idriart, Lisa and I decided to go back for the festival in the summer, prepared the trip in the greatest details (i.e. who is going to put us to bed in time etc.pp) so that when we asked our parents they couldn't say no.
Two girls, 13 years old, alone on the train across Europe. We read Martin Buber, carried heavy with our mind blowing questions concerning life and god and the universe. For some reason we met a lot of 'old old' people who were studying psychology (gosh, those 'old' people were probably younger than I am now teehee) and I found my aunt's contacts after four days searching in the crack of my sister's room.
This aunt introduced me to the term 'prince charming', whom she desperately longed to meet and the abbreviation PC was the source of a lot of insider jokes we stupid little teenie girls cracked.
It was the summer in which I found people who I could ask what I really wanted to ask, in which I met Lampi and hence the future development of me going to Russia on a hiking trip and then again, to learn the language. it was the summer in which first insurmountable love crushed into our hearts and it was the spring when the 'cloverleaf' how they called us (Pedro, Viola, Regina, Caspar and me) went to the Netherlands in a daylong trip, to stay there for a week. It was the spring of experiencing a deep friendship with a guy (caspar) and the abyss of love (with Pedro) who opened himself up to me and whom I rejected, which I regretted many many times later....and this was how he eventually taught me -unknowingly - how to cry.
He looked at me one day at the fire, and asked me whether I wanted to become a singer, as I was singing 'California dreaming'. You have such a beautiful voice.
Well, now I am here, in California, actually studying guitar to become a better singer/performer, not with less but certainly more questions.
It has such a magic to it, when you are young and just have this feeling what you are going to do 'later'.
However, when this 'later' approaches faster and faster, you get all dizzy and desperate, sometimes...
1997, and I don't think I listened to Bob Dylan's record, that 'marked a new era of his artistic expression.
almost ten years later I sit in Hollywood, California, have 'Lovesick' on repeat and shake my head about space and time and about this summer, that still sticks out as the most important summer of my whole life....
and right now I can relate to this song so well: that's exactly how I feel some times about me being crazy in love like that, here, in freaking California....
LOVESICK
I'm walking through streets that are dead
Walking, walking with you in my head
My feet are so tired, my brain is so wired
And the clouds are weeping
Did I hear someone tell a lie?
Did I hear someone's distant cry?
I spoke like a child; you destroyed me with a smile
While I was sleeping
I'm sick of love but I'm in the thick of it
This kind of love I'm so sick of it
I see, I see lovers in the meadow
I see, I see silhouettes in the window
I watch them 'til they're gone and they leave me hanging on
To a shadow
I'm sick of love; I hear the clock tick
This kind of love; I'm love sick
Sometimes the silence can be like the thunder
Sometimes I wanna take to the road and plunder
Could you ever be true?
I think of you
And I wonder
I'm sick of love; I wish I'd never met you
I'm sick of love; I'm trying to forget you
Just don't know what to do
I'd give anything to
Be with you
I was best friends with Pedro, who taught me how to laugh again, Caspar, Viola and Regina, we painted and read a lot and spent whole afternoons with acting, like, who can cry most authentically and so forth.
Our class went to Slovenia, to the castle Borl, which we helped to restore with the Organization Idriart, Lisa and I decided to go back for the festival in the summer, prepared the trip in the greatest details (i.e. who is going to put us to bed in time etc.pp) so that when we asked our parents they couldn't say no.
Two girls, 13 years old, alone on the train across Europe. We read Martin Buber, carried heavy with our mind blowing questions concerning life and god and the universe. For some reason we met a lot of 'old old' people who were studying psychology (gosh, those 'old' people were probably younger than I am now teehee) and I found my aunt's contacts after four days searching in the crack of my sister's room.
This aunt introduced me to the term 'prince charming', whom she desperately longed to meet and the abbreviation PC was the source of a lot of insider jokes we stupid little teenie girls cracked.
It was the summer in which I found people who I could ask what I really wanted to ask, in which I met Lampi and hence the future development of me going to Russia on a hiking trip and then again, to learn the language. it was the summer in which first insurmountable love crushed into our hearts and it was the spring when the 'cloverleaf' how they called us (Pedro, Viola, Regina, Caspar and me) went to the Netherlands in a daylong trip, to stay there for a week. It was the spring of experiencing a deep friendship with a guy (caspar) and the abyss of love (with Pedro) who opened himself up to me and whom I rejected, which I regretted many many times later....and this was how he eventually taught me -unknowingly - how to cry.
He looked at me one day at the fire, and asked me whether I wanted to become a singer, as I was singing 'California dreaming'. You have such a beautiful voice.
Well, now I am here, in California, actually studying guitar to become a better singer/performer, not with less but certainly more questions.
It has such a magic to it, when you are young and just have this feeling what you are going to do 'later'.
However, when this 'later' approaches faster and faster, you get all dizzy and desperate, sometimes...
1997, and I don't think I listened to Bob Dylan's record, that 'marked a new era of his artistic expression.
almost ten years later I sit in Hollywood, California, have 'Lovesick' on repeat and shake my head about space and time and about this summer, that still sticks out as the most important summer of my whole life....
and right now I can relate to this song so well: that's exactly how I feel some times about me being crazy in love like that, here, in freaking California....
LOVESICK
I'm walking through streets that are dead
Walking, walking with you in my head
My feet are so tired, my brain is so wired
And the clouds are weeping
Did I hear someone tell a lie?
Did I hear someone's distant cry?
I spoke like a child; you destroyed me with a smile
While I was sleeping
I'm sick of love but I'm in the thick of it
This kind of love I'm so sick of it
I see, I see lovers in the meadow
I see, I see silhouettes in the window
I watch them 'til they're gone and they leave me hanging on
To a shadow
I'm sick of love; I hear the clock tick
This kind of love; I'm love sick
Sometimes the silence can be like the thunder
Sometimes I wanna take to the road and plunder
Could you ever be true?
I think of you
And I wonder
I'm sick of love; I wish I'd never met you
I'm sick of love; I'm trying to forget you
Just don't know what to do
I'd give anything to
Be with you
Yo-Yo Ma - soul of the tango ...Piazolla....
useless minutes but at least a genuine effort to procrastinate with style. tango filling my restless soul with the un-nameable and memories and longings dance like reflections in a dark window. the room is dimly lit and I have no fear.
where to start, that's the question. pack luggage for the trip to frisco/mammoth? clean apartment? go dancing? or just dreaming away on the fluffy eiderdown my love brought last time he visited?
we are not living together yet, life is taking us in different directions. it's funny how little control we have in the end. and it's funny how much we can accomplish if we genuinly try.
it's like tango, i guess, you have to dance. the dance between faithful guidance of whatever is supposed to be and of creating your own destiny.
basta
where to start, that's the question. pack luggage for the trip to frisco/mammoth? clean apartment? go dancing? or just dreaming away on the fluffy eiderdown my love brought last time he visited?
we are not living together yet, life is taking us in different directions. it's funny how little control we have in the end. and it's funny how much we can accomplish if we genuinly try.
it's like tango, i guess, you have to dance. the dance between faithful guidance of whatever is supposed to be and of creating your own destiny.
basta
Thursday, June 22, 2006
much needed space
for some reason the most irritating thing ever is, when your feelings change.
change in general, i think, is most welcome and most feared by many of us.
we always crave it, once we have it, it scares the shit out of us, cuz we have no idea how to label this change, we don't have any boxes prepared yet, although we should have kept one open just in case the change would come by and knock at the door, right???
so, changing feelings are scary like hell.
if it was up to me, I'd dwell for ever in the mystically beautiful realms of butterfly-love, exclusive love, exqusite love, seventh' cloud love. you know...
and in the same time I always say, hey, you got to put effort in it! nothing comes for free etc pp, the whole 'investment called luck' stuff.
so there was some changes coming around, popping by so to say and i spent many hours at night and during the day at the verge of crying just because I was so scared. The change of feelings changed the color of the glasses I was looking at the world up until then and the world looked so weird through those new glasses, the future looked painful because it showed me many decisions that I possible most probably would have to make and so forth, it was a living hell of very few moments in the now and very many moments in the later, filled with sour wine of twisted mindfucks.
ah.
and then, after doing nothing for a whole day and much unwanted but self-imposed space it dawned even to my childishly freaked out mind, that no matter what I thought I felt as a change in my heart didn't really affect the core of the love I feel and live for him.
no matter what happens, this guy is like crazy important to my life, to my heart, to my mind, to my body, to my soul and whatever I do.
In every aspect, in the negative and the positive, in adapting and in diverting from what he wants.
wow. that's been a trip, really. whatever we have to go through huh?
and all those analytical thoughts don't matter in the end of the day when the missing kicks in big time.
like my very wise Mom said: just practice a lot guitar and everything will turn out just fine.
It's not so much about making all the right moves all the time but putting effort into things with all your heart.
and don't let your mind fuck too much with your heart. seriously. don't.
things will be what they will be and are. que sera, sera.
and until then, I love you just as I do. crazy.
and even if this is a new trick of my much lamented of mind, even if this is a trick just to make me feel more secure about my heart and destiny - even though I might blend myself or jump into illusions .... I don't care.
You are still the only thing that keeps me here and that makes sense after all. You are, you are, you are, you are!!!!!!!!!!
change in general, i think, is most welcome and most feared by many of us.
we always crave it, once we have it, it scares the shit out of us, cuz we have no idea how to label this change, we don't have any boxes prepared yet, although we should have kept one open just in case the change would come by and knock at the door, right???
so, changing feelings are scary like hell.
if it was up to me, I'd dwell for ever in the mystically beautiful realms of butterfly-love, exclusive love, exqusite love, seventh' cloud love. you know...
and in the same time I always say, hey, you got to put effort in it! nothing comes for free etc pp, the whole 'investment called luck' stuff.
so there was some changes coming around, popping by so to say and i spent many hours at night and during the day at the verge of crying just because I was so scared. The change of feelings changed the color of the glasses I was looking at the world up until then and the world looked so weird through those new glasses, the future looked painful because it showed me many decisions that I possible most probably would have to make and so forth, it was a living hell of very few moments in the now and very many moments in the later, filled with sour wine of twisted mindfucks.
ah.
and then, after doing nothing for a whole day and much unwanted but self-imposed space it dawned even to my childishly freaked out mind, that no matter what I thought I felt as a change in my heart didn't really affect the core of the love I feel and live for him.
no matter what happens, this guy is like crazy important to my life, to my heart, to my mind, to my body, to my soul and whatever I do.
In every aspect, in the negative and the positive, in adapting and in diverting from what he wants.
wow. that's been a trip, really. whatever we have to go through huh?
and all those analytical thoughts don't matter in the end of the day when the missing kicks in big time.
like my very wise Mom said: just practice a lot guitar and everything will turn out just fine.
It's not so much about making all the right moves all the time but putting effort into things with all your heart.
and don't let your mind fuck too much with your heart. seriously. don't.
things will be what they will be and are. que sera, sera.
and until then, I love you just as I do. crazy.
and even if this is a new trick of my much lamented of mind, even if this is a trick just to make me feel more secure about my heart and destiny - even though I might blend myself or jump into illusions .... I don't care.
You are still the only thing that keeps me here and that makes sense after all. You are, you are, you are, you are!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 19, 2006
handwritten letters
my dad insists on handwritten letter contact.
now today on 3 d Street Promenade I had a discussion with a Russian Championship juggler, whether or not it makes sense to do that. He said, do you think, your dad really reads your letters twice? And carries them around with him?
Well, I ll ask that my dad, haha, but let me explain a further really realy good point, why writing letters is even better than blogging:
MAYBE it's just me, but every time I wrote my dad a letter (and maybe it really depends on the recipent too, to make this work) something, in the flow of writing (as opposed to typing!), happened: something jumped into my mind, something revealed itself in a way that I hadn't been thinking in this way before.
For example, in the attempt to explain him my current pretty much fucked up situation (i am basically torturing myself with a lot of very very difficult thoughts and feelings related to my heart, my life and my decisions what to do and where to be and how to be yeah) I said something that surprised myself but made a lot of sense when I followed the train of thought and explored it a little bit more.
It was about diplomacy and the sense of responsibility in my life and in my person.
I realized that pretty much all of my life I have been in similarly disturbing situations of inner self-conflict because of that. Because of me being able to understand the other's point of view too well and not being able to be stubborn about my point of view, in case it happens to be weak in the light of the other's point of view.
Okay, fuck, that sounds complicated. Lets put it this way: as a teenager, for example, it always bothered me greatly that I couldn't be as rebellious as my sister or friends of mine, because I simple understood my dad's points way too well to be able to just disregard them. I tell you, that's really mind boggeling when you just want to be blind and stupid and teenager like you know?
then...sense of responsibility towards my life and other people is basically at the core of my current problem. I feel a responsibiltiy towards my lover, towards my heart and towards the other part of my heart that is calling me to jump back on the train I feel I have to be on (in terms of studying/professional life/ commitment to this world/planet/society)
And although you might discard astrology as crap and bulshit, I tell ya, this is a very very piscie-like problem I am stuck in right now. haha. which, of course, doesn't make it less of a problem.
But as everything else too, those things have the other side of the coin: Although it feels terribly wrong to be here I can apply these reoccuring factors of my life/persona (that is diplomacy and responsibility) on my current situation and say: okay, it feels freaking wrong to be here and all that, but in the same time I have to be true to myself and get out of this situation in a proper, appropriate and respectful way:
>I will have to pay tribute to my heart, give it a benefit of a doubt and assume that it is not blinded and entirely swept away by my Gypsy and let time show what it is about ( a year has to be enough though, I mean, hey, after all we have to move on and be active too, God helps those who help themselves, right?!)
> I will have to be responsible towards the heart that I opened myself up to and that I asked to open up to me too. That means, I can't just leave all of the sudden and out of the blue, after having built up something so precious. I really do care about my love and I in no ways want to hurt or break him. I want to pay tribute to his feelings too, which are very serious, more serious than I know and let time show, whether this thing that I feel is growing inside of me, will turn out to be the same flower that he sees blossoming in his heart right now.
> I will have to be diplomatic with my life: I will have to work and get rid of my DEBTS in a grown-up way and in the same time pursue and prepare my future studies so that I can jump right into them, when the train comes by. That is, I will work a job that will be of benefit to my latter studies and prepare myself at home for the entrance exam.
> I will have to be responsible and pursue music in a serious way, so the money and effort I put into it pays off and wasn't for nothing.
That is what I will do and therefore it is okay to be here, although it feels so wrong.
I think it is really the environment that gets on me the hard way, I can convince myself as much as I want, that it doesn't matter where I am, especially when my heart is filled with love and I can be with my lover, matter of fact, this feeling of being at the wrong place comes back to haunt me so what am I gonna do, huh? Ignore it and let it explode one day?
Nope. I will acknowledge the fact that it feels wrong, that life has an utterly weird sense of humor or putting us to test, and try to get stronger, instead of weaker, by seeing the situation as it is and making the best out of it.
I just realized, you know, that no matter how much I will try to build up a life for me here, it won't feel right. It feels still empty and senseless in a way. Rock climbing, playing flute, acrobatics, juggeling, camping, hiking....all this doesn't have the same vibe of making sense, as it does back home. For which ever reason, that is how it is, and what can I do about it? Nothing. I will do it, regardless, enjoy it, practice, give my best, but in the end I will have to follow the calling and go back.
Even if it is only to realize that it is more important to be with the one you love.
The prospect of studying international relations in Dresden is electrifying. It contains a semester in Russia, I could improve my Russian skills and dude, live in freaking Dresden. PERFECT I say.
Ha, thats a snapshot of right now, and ahm, it is the result of writing a letter to my dad, trying to explain how fucked up I am and how I've lost view of everything and how I can't see no more.
The point: I CAN SEE. I just had to write this damn letter.
so there we go!!!!! I can only recommend that old-fashioned 'snail-mail' thing!!!
now today on 3 d Street Promenade I had a discussion with a Russian Championship juggler, whether or not it makes sense to do that. He said, do you think, your dad really reads your letters twice? And carries them around with him?
Well, I ll ask that my dad, haha, but let me explain a further really realy good point, why writing letters is even better than blogging:
MAYBE it's just me, but every time I wrote my dad a letter (and maybe it really depends on the recipent too, to make this work) something, in the flow of writing (as opposed to typing!), happened: something jumped into my mind, something revealed itself in a way that I hadn't been thinking in this way before.
For example, in the attempt to explain him my current pretty much fucked up situation (i am basically torturing myself with a lot of very very difficult thoughts and feelings related to my heart, my life and my decisions what to do and where to be and how to be yeah) I said something that surprised myself but made a lot of sense when I followed the train of thought and explored it a little bit more.
It was about diplomacy and the sense of responsibility in my life and in my person.
I realized that pretty much all of my life I have been in similarly disturbing situations of inner self-conflict because of that. Because of me being able to understand the other's point of view too well and not being able to be stubborn about my point of view, in case it happens to be weak in the light of the other's point of view.
Okay, fuck, that sounds complicated. Lets put it this way: as a teenager, for example, it always bothered me greatly that I couldn't be as rebellious as my sister or friends of mine, because I simple understood my dad's points way too well to be able to just disregard them. I tell you, that's really mind boggeling when you just want to be blind and stupid and teenager like you know?
then...sense of responsibility towards my life and other people is basically at the core of my current problem. I feel a responsibiltiy towards my lover, towards my heart and towards the other part of my heart that is calling me to jump back on the train I feel I have to be on (in terms of studying/professional life/ commitment to this world/planet/society)
And although you might discard astrology as crap and bulshit, I tell ya, this is a very very piscie-like problem I am stuck in right now. haha. which, of course, doesn't make it less of a problem.
But as everything else too, those things have the other side of the coin: Although it feels terribly wrong to be here I can apply these reoccuring factors of my life/persona (that is diplomacy and responsibility) on my current situation and say: okay, it feels freaking wrong to be here and all that, but in the same time I have to be true to myself and get out of this situation in a proper, appropriate and respectful way:
>I will have to pay tribute to my heart, give it a benefit of a doubt and assume that it is not blinded and entirely swept away by my Gypsy and let time show what it is about ( a year has to be enough though, I mean, hey, after all we have to move on and be active too, God helps those who help themselves, right?!)
> I will have to be responsible towards the heart that I opened myself up to and that I asked to open up to me too. That means, I can't just leave all of the sudden and out of the blue, after having built up something so precious. I really do care about my love and I in no ways want to hurt or break him. I want to pay tribute to his feelings too, which are very serious, more serious than I know and let time show, whether this thing that I feel is growing inside of me, will turn out to be the same flower that he sees blossoming in his heart right now.
> I will have to be diplomatic with my life: I will have to work and get rid of my DEBTS in a grown-up way and in the same time pursue and prepare my future studies so that I can jump right into them, when the train comes by. That is, I will work a job that will be of benefit to my latter studies and prepare myself at home for the entrance exam.
> I will have to be responsible and pursue music in a serious way, so the money and effort I put into it pays off and wasn't for nothing.
That is what I will do and therefore it is okay to be here, although it feels so wrong.
I think it is really the environment that gets on me the hard way, I can convince myself as much as I want, that it doesn't matter where I am, especially when my heart is filled with love and I can be with my lover, matter of fact, this feeling of being at the wrong place comes back to haunt me so what am I gonna do, huh? Ignore it and let it explode one day?
Nope. I will acknowledge the fact that it feels wrong, that life has an utterly weird sense of humor or putting us to test, and try to get stronger, instead of weaker, by seeing the situation as it is and making the best out of it.
I just realized, you know, that no matter how much I will try to build up a life for me here, it won't feel right. It feels still empty and senseless in a way. Rock climbing, playing flute, acrobatics, juggeling, camping, hiking....all this doesn't have the same vibe of making sense, as it does back home. For which ever reason, that is how it is, and what can I do about it? Nothing. I will do it, regardless, enjoy it, practice, give my best, but in the end I will have to follow the calling and go back.
Even if it is only to realize that it is more important to be with the one you love.
The prospect of studying international relations in Dresden is electrifying. It contains a semester in Russia, I could improve my Russian skills and dude, live in freaking Dresden. PERFECT I say.
Ha, thats a snapshot of right now, and ahm, it is the result of writing a letter to my dad, trying to explain how fucked up I am and how I've lost view of everything and how I can't see no more.
The point: I CAN SEE. I just had to write this damn letter.
so there we go!!!!! I can only recommend that old-fashioned 'snail-mail' thing!!!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
mirrors
it's so funny how last year i was struggeling, oh wait, it was even winter 2004, well anyways, how I was busy struggeling to fall in love with a perfect man and situation and despaired at the failure of my attempts and my heart.
And how now, in a mirror inversion, I am struggeling to give a perfect love with an imperfect man and an imperfect situation the right place in my life.
it is devastatingly funny. yeah.
And how now, in a mirror inversion, I am struggeling to give a perfect love with an imperfect man and an imperfect situation the right place in my life.
it is devastatingly funny. yeah.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
environmentalism inverted and internalized yeah.
after struggeling for so and so many years against the stupid idiots who treat this planet and its resources as if it was something you can just replace any time (ah, the mars missions! you actually think motherfuckers! great. thank you too), after environmentalism experiencing a decrease in interest in the general populace and gaining nothing but a tired, cynical smile by most of the hip people around me I came to following conclusion:
Christel was right.
She told me, when I was 7 or 9 or whatever, wanting to found a Greenpeace Youthgroup in order to save the Whales and the World (which I eventually did, when I was 12, I mean the founding of the Youthgroup, not the saving, unfortunately)
'Jayjay, You can't save anything unless you clean up yourself first. That's why in this monestry (I forgot where) the monks are only allowed to help other people when they have gone through a school themselves, to get their act together, that is, tackle the internal environmental destruction so to say'
Well, who could blame me, I didn't get this at this young an age, but to my credit I have to add, that even then I sensed that she was probably right, which, of course, didn't stop me from doing what I thought I had to do.
But now, reading a lot about religion lately, (I can only strongly strongly recommend any book by Joseph Ratzinger, who is the pope now.... especially 'Salt of the Earth' and 'On God and the World'. It is extremely interesting and opens up views on things you've brushed off all your life, following the general opinions that are available among young people who like to critize just about everything they don't understand really. sorry, but that's how I feel about it now.) I realized more and more and once again:
THe problem of environmentalism is, that the internal pollution of human beings in our society is totally neglected. The take on outer pollution can only be successful when it attempts in the same time to tackle the problem of internal pollution.
I've always thought, that the same mindset that makes you justify smoking (= polluting and eventually destroying your 'inner' lung-rainforest) is the one, that allows for the schizophrenia of destroying rain forests on this planet. I've had a discussion about this with a friend of mine and I remember how he defeated my point but somehow his argument didn't stick with me and I still think that.
(proof of how stubborn we are when it comes to our own little privately acquired opinions! yeah yippie! I am so smart!)
You are welcome to defeat my point again, until then I will keep sticking to it, to give myself the benefit of a doubt
Julia Butterfly Hill, by the way, seems to be very aware of this problem, when I heard her talk here at a Community College in LA she mentioned that there is a need of regaining a spiritual connection to the earth, to the living, and she righteously mentions the native tribes of America to be a very very precious resource for us to help us along with that.
However, as I am currently reading and thinking a lot about Christian Belief I might add, that, here too, the respect for the living and this planet is inherent and should be reflected in the actions of any one who calls him/herself Christian.
You know, who can f*** off, in my opinion> you name it. I don't like him either, as much as I dislike any idiotic business mind that disregards the fragility of life.
Therefore, Bush is only good when it grows where it is natural.
Christel was right.
She told me, when I was 7 or 9 or whatever, wanting to found a Greenpeace Youthgroup in order to save the Whales and the World (which I eventually did, when I was 12, I mean the founding of the Youthgroup, not the saving, unfortunately)
'Jayjay, You can't save anything unless you clean up yourself first. That's why in this monestry (I forgot where) the monks are only allowed to help other people when they have gone through a school themselves, to get their act together, that is, tackle the internal environmental destruction so to say'
Well, who could blame me, I didn't get this at this young an age, but to my credit I have to add, that even then I sensed that she was probably right, which, of course, didn't stop me from doing what I thought I had to do.
But now, reading a lot about religion lately, (I can only strongly strongly recommend any book by Joseph Ratzinger, who is the pope now.... especially 'Salt of the Earth' and 'On God and the World'. It is extremely interesting and opens up views on things you've brushed off all your life, following the general opinions that are available among young people who like to critize just about everything they don't understand really. sorry, but that's how I feel about it now.) I realized more and more and once again:
THe problem of environmentalism is, that the internal pollution of human beings in our society is totally neglected. The take on outer pollution can only be successful when it attempts in the same time to tackle the problem of internal pollution.
I've always thought, that the same mindset that makes you justify smoking (= polluting and eventually destroying your 'inner' lung-rainforest) is the one, that allows for the schizophrenia of destroying rain forests on this planet. I've had a discussion about this with a friend of mine and I remember how he defeated my point but somehow his argument didn't stick with me and I still think that.
(proof of how stubborn we are when it comes to our own little privately acquired opinions! yeah yippie! I am so smart!)
You are welcome to defeat my point again, until then I will keep sticking to it, to give myself the benefit of a doubt
Julia Butterfly Hill, by the way, seems to be very aware of this problem, when I heard her talk here at a Community College in LA she mentioned that there is a need of regaining a spiritual connection to the earth, to the living, and she righteously mentions the native tribes of America to be a very very precious resource for us to help us along with that.
However, as I am currently reading and thinking a lot about Christian Belief I might add, that, here too, the respect for the living and this planet is inherent and should be reflected in the actions of any one who calls him/herself Christian.
You know, who can f*** off, in my opinion> you name it. I don't like him either, as much as I dislike any idiotic business mind that disregards the fragility of life.
Therefore, Bush is only good when it grows where it is natural.
Monday, June 12, 2006
investment called LUCK
I want to tell you a tale of luck, an example of what kind of magical things I experienced ever since I started listen closely to the voice of my heart (also known as Intuition I guess) and how I relate this to this incredible upwards and inward spiraling love I am blessed with right now.
How I relate this to love and relationships in general, because I feel that in our times it becomes increasingly difficult for people to fight through the difficulties any relationship brings with it and give up way too early, when the first bliss wears off. It is actually like in business, investors don't invest for free. if you work hard, it will, however, pay off....and we don't have to be afraid of those rewards and of being so blissfully happy. If we don't take it for granted nor shun the work....but well, listen, and see whether you agree....
Paris, 2002.
Little Jayjay, with an address of a brother of a cousin's wife in the back pocket of her jeans arrives at Gare de L'est, gets into the metro, finds a Mc Donalds to do the morning toilet and runs, as if abiding to an exact timing, into another backpacker who hadn't slept the whole night out of fear that somebody would steals his backpack.
8 hours flashback: Jayjay sitting with her bigger sister at an African Market in Basel, Switzerland, discussing why or why not she should go to Paris (a plan she had had since a year but it somehow didn't work out for her this summer). Bigger sister, resolute and engaged like always, says 'here is money, we buy a ticket NOW, you take my backpack and everything, I see you in a week'.
The magic started right there. Things worked out miraculously. Intuition turned out to be right with every step she took. Memories like blossoming Appletree dreams.
The Canadian backpacker was the first helper on her way. Together they found a little island in a lake in one of those wonderful parks where they slept under bushes, in safety in one of the craziest cities of Europe. Innocence didn't allow any ill-willed energy cross her path, maybe it was as if she touched upon the good-will of the people she encountered, maybe those were just the good ones, maybe she just had a very good Guardian Angel on her way.
Next step: Montmartre. The original destination. Here she wanted to join the portrait painters who make quick money with tourists, to learn how to paint portraits for her year project on portrait painting at school.
Not necessarily feeling like staying at this distant cousin's house she curiously awaited what would happen.
There she was, Amandine, a young art-student, painting amongst the old bitter artists, stagnated on Montmartre since decades. Jayjay felt immediately that this would be her next helper, but as to put her intuition to a test, she waited patientially and didn't do anything about it.
The miracle worked here, too, amandine asked her to join her this evening and as she found out that Jayjay would sleep at the trainstation she invited her to stay in her room, she moved into her boyfriend's apartment, right next to her room.
A whole week passed.
Full of magic and luck and learning, a new friend was found. Amandine was amazing.
Returning home Jayjay turned to her dad.
Dad, I am scared, I had too much luck. It scares me. I don't understand how I deserve this. Will I have to go through extreme bad luck as to balance this out?
Her dad looked at her and said simply: No, Jay. It is an investment from the future into you. If you do your best now with your portrait painting project, if you give everything, you justify it. Work hard.
And so I did.
And so I will in this love, this wonderful relationship, with this precious precious love of D.R.B., my Gypsy...To justify this incredibly luck of living a fairytale love, the love of the third princess, the love that makes you feel like you are the luckiest person in your family, on this entire planet without making you feel bad about it but just incredibly grateful and hopeful for everybody else to encounter the same...
I will not take it for granted. I will pay back, in effort and work, what future invests in me now.
How I relate this to love and relationships in general, because I feel that in our times it becomes increasingly difficult for people to fight through the difficulties any relationship brings with it and give up way too early, when the first bliss wears off. It is actually like in business, investors don't invest for free. if you work hard, it will, however, pay off....and we don't have to be afraid of those rewards and of being so blissfully happy. If we don't take it for granted nor shun the work....but well, listen, and see whether you agree....
Paris, 2002.
Little Jayjay, with an address of a brother of a cousin's wife in the back pocket of her jeans arrives at Gare de L'est, gets into the metro, finds a Mc Donalds to do the morning toilet and runs, as if abiding to an exact timing, into another backpacker who hadn't slept the whole night out of fear that somebody would steals his backpack.
8 hours flashback: Jayjay sitting with her bigger sister at an African Market in Basel, Switzerland, discussing why or why not she should go to Paris (a plan she had had since a year but it somehow didn't work out for her this summer). Bigger sister, resolute and engaged like always, says 'here is money, we buy a ticket NOW, you take my backpack and everything, I see you in a week'.
The magic started right there. Things worked out miraculously. Intuition turned out to be right with every step she took. Memories like blossoming Appletree dreams.
The Canadian backpacker was the first helper on her way. Together they found a little island in a lake in one of those wonderful parks where they slept under bushes, in safety in one of the craziest cities of Europe. Innocence didn't allow any ill-willed energy cross her path, maybe it was as if she touched upon the good-will of the people she encountered, maybe those were just the good ones, maybe she just had a very good Guardian Angel on her way.
Next step: Montmartre. The original destination. Here she wanted to join the portrait painters who make quick money with tourists, to learn how to paint portraits for her year project on portrait painting at school.
Not necessarily feeling like staying at this distant cousin's house she curiously awaited what would happen.
There she was, Amandine, a young art-student, painting amongst the old bitter artists, stagnated on Montmartre since decades. Jayjay felt immediately that this would be her next helper, but as to put her intuition to a test, she waited patientially and didn't do anything about it.
The miracle worked here, too, amandine asked her to join her this evening and as she found out that Jayjay would sleep at the trainstation she invited her to stay in her room, she moved into her boyfriend's apartment, right next to her room.
A whole week passed.
Full of magic and luck and learning, a new friend was found. Amandine was amazing.
Returning home Jayjay turned to her dad.
Dad, I am scared, I had too much luck. It scares me. I don't understand how I deserve this. Will I have to go through extreme bad luck as to balance this out?
Her dad looked at her and said simply: No, Jay. It is an investment from the future into you. If you do your best now with your portrait painting project, if you give everything, you justify it. Work hard.
And so I did.
And so I will in this love, this wonderful relationship, with this precious precious love of D.R.B., my Gypsy...To justify this incredibly luck of living a fairytale love, the love of the third princess, the love that makes you feel like you are the luckiest person in your family, on this entire planet without making you feel bad about it but just incredibly grateful and hopeful for everybody else to encounter the same...
I will not take it for granted. I will pay back, in effort and work, what future invests in me now.
How do You do that?
Spirals of Love
How do you do that? Ho do you make me fall in love with you again and again, like in neverending spirals, that dig deep into the last forsaken corners of my soul and in the same time elevate it so high that the air around it starts tasting pure and purer - like light in spring winds - and then all your words bare fruits that taste sweet and refreshing although at times the growing seemed so bitter and the hard way and your eyes grow flowers like appletrees blossoming in blissful colors and scent, and all the blue-turqoise of virgin nights that fall upon Hollywood's hills through my window carry the sweetest velvet memories of your touch and your thoughts and being and caring in a whisper to my ears that earlier encountered the overwhelming warmth and depth of your kiss.
How do you do that my love, my lover and friend, how do you rise from the deepest grounds so high with your wonderful wings that carry me and guide me and protect me oh so unspeakably perfect now?
And then I see
We both are in the danger and the protection and the bliss and the pain of love's embrace, His wings that we entrust ourselves like children do, carried away to grow together in His light, wisdom, presence, His love, to guide us both, us small lovers to reach beyond the expected and known.
How do you do that? Ho do you make me fall in love with you again and again, like in neverending spirals, that dig deep into the last forsaken corners of my soul and in the same time elevate it so high that the air around it starts tasting pure and purer - like light in spring winds - and then all your words bare fruits that taste sweet and refreshing although at times the growing seemed so bitter and the hard way and your eyes grow flowers like appletrees blossoming in blissful colors and scent, and all the blue-turqoise of virgin nights that fall upon Hollywood's hills through my window carry the sweetest velvet memories of your touch and your thoughts and being and caring in a whisper to my ears that earlier encountered the overwhelming warmth and depth of your kiss.
How do you do that my love, my lover and friend, how do you rise from the deepest grounds so high with your wonderful wings that carry me and guide me and protect me oh so unspeakably perfect now?
And then I see
We both are in the danger and the protection and the bliss and the pain of love's embrace, His wings that we entrust ourselves like children do, carried away to grow together in His light, wisdom, presence, His love, to guide us both, us small lovers to reach beyond the expected and known.
Friday, June 09, 2006
sleepless
All I said was good night and then I quickly hung up, you never picked up after that.
Now it is early in the morning and I haven't slept since 3 AM, I never really did, restless I lay in the dark and dreamt of you and cried because i love you so much.
You hold the balance, my love, to everything. You hold the balance to the love of my youth, whom I loved so deeply and intensely, you hold the balance to my dad whom i admire way too much, you hold the balance to me, we are perfect, you and me, for this world that you say you hate so much and I say I love so much. And the children we both have loved since long ago.
My love. When you don't answer me I get all worried. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I am sleepless and I want it to be all good and I want you to know that I love you, Ich liebe dich, te iubesk, entirely and fully.
Now it is early in the morning and I haven't slept since 3 AM, I never really did, restless I lay in the dark and dreamt of you and cried because i love you so much.
You hold the balance, my love, to everything. You hold the balance to the love of my youth, whom I loved so deeply and intensely, you hold the balance to my dad whom i admire way too much, you hold the balance to me, we are perfect, you and me, for this world that you say you hate so much and I say I love so much. And the children we both have loved since long ago.
My love. When you don't answer me I get all worried. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I am sleepless and I want it to be all good and I want you to know that I love you, Ich liebe dich, te iubesk, entirely and fully.
Monday, June 05, 2006
dexploration of love
Rolling into your arms in the morning
Blissful mourning
I look into your eye
Feel free and incredibly excited
Rhymes in my head but it won’t come out right
All I know is
I fell again
I fell again
I fell again
Into your gorgeousness
Into your awesomeness
Into your lovingness
Into your strength and your weakness
Into your eyes
Your heart
Your
You
You are the first thing I want to see in the morning
You are the one who is able to turn me upside down
A frown becomes a smiling clown
And you hold my hand my protector and my preacher
When you see me like no one has seen me
When you feel me like no one has ever felt me nor made me feel
And you are my teacher
And my diciple
And my best friend
And my best critic
And my best check
And my best balance
And my sweetest love
And the most caring lover
And the most important and hence comforting factor
In the stormy search for ways
That I once read in a time
When I already knew that
You would
Always
Be
And have always been
In my heart
Inside of me
I want you to make love to me, with me
I want you to kiss me bliss me with your arms and hands and eyes and everything
Your body soul and spirit on their way to explore
Your smile pushed deep inside into my core
That’s what I could be living for for free and for ever and I know I will always want more
BITCH
Being a witness on a battlefield, right next to the fucking enemy, yah, being indirectly involved, and you can't do anything, hand's tied, pride can't be put aside, you certainly don't want to fight on such a petty paris hilton level like THIS BITCH.
ah. Public Enemy is the right music to process this anger that is smoking my head right now. Cool down, before you burn your reason baby. Ha.
Is it I am too lazy to fight now? yeah. I guess. This would take it to an whole different level, and because we are girls, more and more people would get invovled, would feel like having to take sides and stuff, and suddenly your whole little planet is on fire. it s so stupid. okay, dudes and dudessas, I admit: GIRLS ARE STUPID AND SMELLY...
she was so ugly. when she turned to her, her pretty little face that usually is one of her better assets ('i just came from a movie/modeling casting and they LOVED me') was so ugly it made me vomit emotionally.
you know how they say true beauty comes from inside? yeah. true ugliness too.
I know we all can be stupid and ugly and stupid and selfish but this bitch is so amazingly tough hearted, I am plainly surprised.
I don't know what's wrong with her but I wish I wouldn't want to know.
I always hated about myself that I always seemd to have to understand the other's perspective oh so well, it spoiled the whole fun of being a teenager, I mean, hey, what fun is it to fight with your dad for something you want just to get his point in the end and being incapable of being stubbornly rebellious and do it your way anyways?
it s no fun really.
so i wish i had a car right now, could drive somewhere to cool my boiling blood down, listen to LOUD music and bitch around, throw the meanes and most low-life-like arguments on her pretty little head in my head. yeah.
how can someone, who claimed to be a FRIEND be such a bitch, so heartless and unforgiving?
one of her arguments to T___ when they had this fight yesterday was: I spent SO MUCH TIME talking with you about your problems with your ex, when he broke up with you etcetc and you STILL WENT BACK TO HIM!
what - did you feel worthless as an advisor because she disregarded your advice? grow up bitch.
makes me think of what Paolo Coelho said in the 'Zahir': true friends are not those who are only there in times of - surprise!- bad times.
because most of them feel so fucking important and special when they can pamper you and make you feel better. it's not really about you when they can't be happy for you either.
and friendship should be unconditional, you know, you work things through, you laugh, love, hate, argue, fight, but you don't QUIT a friendship because of something stupid like that.
she is selfish in not wanting T____ having the same drummer like her, and T_____ is selfish in wanting to be able to jam with him regardless of that.
is that a reason to quit a friendship?
no.
betrayal kills friendships but it still has to make some sense, after all, to an unaffected mind.
and that's so highschool stupid that it makes me sick to have to witness that.
I AM LIVING IN THEIR LIVING ROOM.
and when she turned to T____ with her face distorted by this inner ugliness came through, how she yelled at her with such a sharp and heartless voice. I got shocked, this nice girl I knew is like that? woah. dirty little bitch. get OFF MY COMPUTER NOW, DON'T fucking SMOKE WHEN YOU ARE ON MY LAPTOP. I told you million's of times. and when I come home, ask me whether I maybe want to get on my computer. and when I want to sleep don't fucking smoke and talk to your sister in stereo. hey, if you wanna fight with T_____ why don't you show common courtesy and go in your guy'ses room? HM???
Hm, I forgot, you don't HAVE common courtesy. you don't even wash your dishes yourself, even though we made you food. You left T_____ in YOUR clothe mess because you didn't take advantage of my love offering you to get your stuff with his truck. you left your unwashed clothes with the washed ones. it started to STINK like old pussy in the room. T____ put up with this for two months...
and now you are coming what you wanted to make a home long ago, which you treated like a storage place and claim it as your place just to be a BITCH and fight a dirty respectless fight.
BITCH
ah. Public Enemy is the right music to process this anger that is smoking my head right now. Cool down, before you burn your reason baby. Ha.
Is it I am too lazy to fight now? yeah. I guess. This would take it to an whole different level, and because we are girls, more and more people would get invovled, would feel like having to take sides and stuff, and suddenly your whole little planet is on fire. it s so stupid. okay, dudes and dudessas, I admit: GIRLS ARE STUPID AND SMELLY...
she was so ugly. when she turned to her, her pretty little face that usually is one of her better assets ('i just came from a movie/modeling casting and they LOVED me') was so ugly it made me vomit emotionally.
you know how they say true beauty comes from inside? yeah. true ugliness too.
I know we all can be stupid and ugly and stupid and selfish but this bitch is so amazingly tough hearted, I am plainly surprised.
I don't know what's wrong with her but I wish I wouldn't want to know.
I always hated about myself that I always seemd to have to understand the other's perspective oh so well, it spoiled the whole fun of being a teenager, I mean, hey, what fun is it to fight with your dad for something you want just to get his point in the end and being incapable of being stubbornly rebellious and do it your way anyways?
it s no fun really.
so i wish i had a car right now, could drive somewhere to cool my boiling blood down, listen to LOUD music and bitch around, throw the meanes and most low-life-like arguments on her pretty little head in my head. yeah.
how can someone, who claimed to be a FRIEND be such a bitch, so heartless and unforgiving?
one of her arguments to T___ when they had this fight yesterday was: I spent SO MUCH TIME talking with you about your problems with your ex, when he broke up with you etcetc and you STILL WENT BACK TO HIM!
what - did you feel worthless as an advisor because she disregarded your advice? grow up bitch.
makes me think of what Paolo Coelho said in the 'Zahir': true friends are not those who are only there in times of - surprise!- bad times.
because most of them feel so fucking important and special when they can pamper you and make you feel better. it's not really about you when they can't be happy for you either.
and friendship should be unconditional, you know, you work things through, you laugh, love, hate, argue, fight, but you don't QUIT a friendship because of something stupid like that.
she is selfish in not wanting T____ having the same drummer like her, and T_____ is selfish in wanting to be able to jam with him regardless of that.
is that a reason to quit a friendship?
no.
betrayal kills friendships but it still has to make some sense, after all, to an unaffected mind.
and that's so highschool stupid that it makes me sick to have to witness that.
I AM LIVING IN THEIR LIVING ROOM.
and when she turned to T____ with her face distorted by this inner ugliness came through, how she yelled at her with such a sharp and heartless voice. I got shocked, this nice girl I knew is like that? woah. dirty little bitch. get OFF MY COMPUTER NOW, DON'T fucking SMOKE WHEN YOU ARE ON MY LAPTOP. I told you million's of times. and when I come home, ask me whether I maybe want to get on my computer. and when I want to sleep don't fucking smoke and talk to your sister in stereo. hey, if you wanna fight with T_____ why don't you show common courtesy and go in your guy'ses room? HM???
Hm, I forgot, you don't HAVE common courtesy. you don't even wash your dishes yourself, even though we made you food. You left T_____ in YOUR clothe mess because you didn't take advantage of my love offering you to get your stuff with his truck. you left your unwashed clothes with the washed ones. it started to STINK like old pussy in the room. T____ put up with this for two months...
and now you are coming what you wanted to make a home long ago, which you treated like a storage place and claim it as your place just to be a BITCH and fight a dirty respectless fight.
BITCH
Saturday, June 03, 2006
change around for him
sometimes i get scared i would change around for him, completely upside down or diagonal, just, - off the track I felt in my heart.
then it hits me hard: the track is where ever i go.
and you and I are the microcosm of humanity
then it hits me hard: the track is where ever i go.
and you and I are the microcosm of humanity
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Gabriel Faure and Edward Elgar and firealarm
The firealarm went off earlyl in the morning.
She came in, Jayjay, jayjay, what's this sound???
I jumped up, from nothing to one, like my friends know me, like a war general always on alert, but my eyes blacked out and in my early-morning-just-woke-up hurly-burly i found my way like a blind person through the kitchen and livingroom, groping with my hands through the dark dizzy grey world my eyes allowed me to see.
It's the firealarm thing I mumble, where is the thing that D. took off??
I don't know...
Her voice like a little child's whining.
We start searching, she can't find it.
I say: look with your hands and laugh, because it's so early in the morning and my Mom always used to say that...
Finally I find it in one of the kitchen drawers, grab a chair, the sound is piercing and very very annoying. I put it back on but it doesn't stop, go and tell them downstairs I say and she says but there is no one and opens the door to go anyways and we realize its EVERYWHERE.
HA~! Now I feel excited. It's like in school. you never know whether it is for real or not, but you have to leave the building anyways. We run downstairs, I grab my money and feel sorry for the guitars and downstairs it is packed with early-morning-i-am-so-groggy people and I laugh...
Good I downloaded Faure and Elgar yesterday.
The music is so soothing
She came in, Jayjay, jayjay, what's this sound???
I jumped up, from nothing to one, like my friends know me, like a war general always on alert, but my eyes blacked out and in my early-morning-just-woke-up hurly-burly i found my way like a blind person through the kitchen and livingroom, groping with my hands through the dark dizzy grey world my eyes allowed me to see.
It's the firealarm thing I mumble, where is the thing that D. took off??
I don't know...
Her voice like a little child's whining.
We start searching, she can't find it.
I say: look with your hands and laugh, because it's so early in the morning and my Mom always used to say that...
Finally I find it in one of the kitchen drawers, grab a chair, the sound is piercing and very very annoying. I put it back on but it doesn't stop, go and tell them downstairs I say and she says but there is no one and opens the door to go anyways and we realize its EVERYWHERE.
HA~! Now I feel excited. It's like in school. you never know whether it is for real or not, but you have to leave the building anyways. We run downstairs, I grab my money and feel sorry for the guitars and downstairs it is packed with early-morning-i-am-so-groggy people and I laugh...
Good I downloaded Faure and Elgar yesterday.
The music is so soothing
lovely time or timely love/the wheels of time or so...
well the yesterday came back to haunt me.
the minutes, crashing into each other while people talk on cellphones in internetcafes and we all share the problems, and then, the minutes get so dense and tense like thunderstorm clouds gathering at the horizon that we think that yesterday comes back, laughing, in the clothes of a tomorrow, that has turned its back on us.
the really cool ones, they don't say it, but they know, are those who don't care. because cool is cold, and who knows better how to survive the heat of overthinking brain-engines than cool freezers?! ah, but, i tell you that the fire will catch up with each one of us one day
as many minutes that we let crush into each other we will pay back later in fine, ironed, smooth, perfect minutes of suffering. love! love is not changing anything, haha, the thunderstorm laughs cynically and yesterday with all its crushed minutes jumps on our head like you jump on boxes. yesterday and tomorrow are friends but not with the fresh mornings. the morning belongs to the sun...
to the different light
the light, that shines inbetween, when nobody looks, and it is different, like a early summer morning in Rome, inbetween earthy colored houses that tell stories of fucking history, not yesterday of our petty little lives, no , keys, works, schools, faded out people, killed ones, loved ones in the routine of the running wheels of time.
but then
love?
you hear a blackbird singing because you have been out all night, your mind clouded, like yesterday clouds with numbing alcohol clouds that sooth the sorrow and the fire and the cool and everything. glasses, they say. so you come home and accidentally hear a blackbird sing
love? ah!!! doesn't change anything? no. the bells still ring. and when you ran down this hill, freely, loudly, happily, you will go back to the same old doors and same old keys and the same old sun.
but the light inbetween, says the blackbird, maybe i should ask again, is like love. it sheds a different life and light on everything. ha. like construction workers sitting on the construction scaffolds (the wooden stuff that they build around the house to get up there) with their first cigarette in the morning look different and so heart breakingly beautiful in this inbetween light although their work is hard and maybe their lives difficult.
maybe someone divorced. maybe someones kid is sick. maybe someone drinks alcohol for all the salary and his wife is bitter and no sex or love. but
in this light ...
that s like love says the blackbird, maybe i should ask again, maybe i didn't understand.
it doesn't change anything says the thunderstorm-crushed-minute-yesterday that pretends to be tomorrow too and if it is very successful it will tell you too, that it is the NOW as well. haha! but it didn't see that that's the point.
the same old routine in the light of love unfolds its beauty
now
never later, when you look again
the minutes, crashing into each other while people talk on cellphones in internetcafes and we all share the problems, and then, the minutes get so dense and tense like thunderstorm clouds gathering at the horizon that we think that yesterday comes back, laughing, in the clothes of a tomorrow, that has turned its back on us.
the really cool ones, they don't say it, but they know, are those who don't care. because cool is cold, and who knows better how to survive the heat of overthinking brain-engines than cool freezers?! ah, but, i tell you that the fire will catch up with each one of us one day
as many minutes that we let crush into each other we will pay back later in fine, ironed, smooth, perfect minutes of suffering. love! love is not changing anything, haha, the thunderstorm laughs cynically and yesterday with all its crushed minutes jumps on our head like you jump on boxes. yesterday and tomorrow are friends but not with the fresh mornings. the morning belongs to the sun...
to the different light
the light, that shines inbetween, when nobody looks, and it is different, like a early summer morning in Rome, inbetween earthy colored houses that tell stories of fucking history, not yesterday of our petty little lives, no , keys, works, schools, faded out people, killed ones, loved ones in the routine of the running wheels of time.
but then
love?
you hear a blackbird singing because you have been out all night, your mind clouded, like yesterday clouds with numbing alcohol clouds that sooth the sorrow and the fire and the cool and everything. glasses, they say. so you come home and accidentally hear a blackbird sing
love? ah!!! doesn't change anything? no. the bells still ring. and when you ran down this hill, freely, loudly, happily, you will go back to the same old doors and same old keys and the same old sun.
but the light inbetween, says the blackbird, maybe i should ask again, is like love. it sheds a different life and light on everything. ha. like construction workers sitting on the construction scaffolds (the wooden stuff that they build around the house to get up there) with their first cigarette in the morning look different and so heart breakingly beautiful in this inbetween light although their work is hard and maybe their lives difficult.
maybe someone divorced. maybe someones kid is sick. maybe someone drinks alcohol for all the salary and his wife is bitter and no sex or love. but
in this light ...
that s like love says the blackbird, maybe i should ask again, maybe i didn't understand.
it doesn't change anything says the thunderstorm-crushed-minute-yesterday that pretends to be tomorrow too and if it is very successful it will tell you too, that it is the NOW as well. haha! but it didn't see that that's the point.
the same old routine in the light of love unfolds its beauty
now
never later, when you look again
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