It is like a hard, heavy hand in my neck, putting too much pressure, making me sad.
I am mad at myself for not being more organized and light and easy to be around with, this is why hate everyone unorganized, heavy and not easy to be around with. I hate myself like that, I am terrified, to actually be that way, I want to leave and never come back in situations like that. I want my own room.
Fuck putting things into perspective and justifying and rectifying. I just want to be angry, mad and sad.
It's been a challenge to be such a burden to everyone and not have my own space. It is too much. It is so little and I am so lucky and it is too much.
Today is one of the days when I can't deal with that lifestyle anymore. I had that for too long when I lived in Los Angeles, and now here it is again. It is avoiding conflict, hating conflict etc. pp. just like my sister was, just like everybody is, just like how I hate everything. Too many fucking ideas and preconceptions in my head. It makes me tight, stiff and blue. It makes me go away and not know where to go and how to be, proper, I understand I do too little moving, not enough this not enough that. Argh.
Frustration and just inside directed aggression. I am not a nice person. I was laughing in disbelief and defensive.
I am mad at myself for not being more organized and light and easy to be around with, this is why hate everyone unorganized, heavy and not easy to be around with. I hate myself like that, I am terrified, to actually be that way, I want to leave and never come back in situations like that. I want my own room.
Fuck putting things into perspective and justifying and rectifying. I just want to be angry, mad and sad.
It's been a challenge to be such a burden to everyone and not have my own space. It is too much. It is so little and I am so lucky and it is too much.
Today is one of the days when I can't deal with that lifestyle anymore. I had that for too long when I lived in Los Angeles, and now here it is again. It is avoiding conflict, hating conflict etc. pp. just like my sister was, just like everybody is, just like how I hate everything. Too many fucking ideas and preconceptions in my head. It makes me tight, stiff and blue. It makes me go away and not know where to go and how to be, proper, I understand I do too little moving, not enough this not enough that. Argh.
Frustration and just inside directed aggression. I am not a nice person. I was laughing in disbelief and defensive.
