sun paints this wall yellow

and I am sitting in 'my' new home at Mehringdamm in Berlin and listen to Alicia Keys. Its been a while that I've been listening to her and it fits so perfectly well right now. It makes me happy. And actually I am quite surprised that it doesn't hurt at all because it was J. who burned me the Alicia Keys CD (which unfortunately got lost on the way) and I listened to her last Winter when I was having such a hard time not knowing what I want and all the doubting but also the beautiful moments.

ECLA has been such a great place to grow. Really, although there is not much distance yet I feel how much it challeneged me and how much it made me grow although I felt I am confronted with the ever same problems I have. But thats now a contradition of course ;-)

This beautiful appartment of Timo (whom I got to know, by the way, via the hospitalityclub. Its indeed a great idea! www.hospitaliyclub.org) reminds me so much of Paris and the time I spent there with the 'child under a lucky star' Christina from Scottland whom we met in Brittany, France, back in 2002 with Artaban. She was a great artist and her flat was just so gorgeous, the whole lifestyle just attracted and fascinated me tons. Now that Max told me that he will study in Paris for one year (he got accepted at this cool programme that offers high quality economics studies in three cities: PARIS, LONDON, MADRID or BERLIN) I am really considering to do that as well. I've always had the impression, the feeling that I would live in Paris one day for a certain time. Maybe it will come true. It really was more of a feeling, a certainty within than just a dream....

This place is so special and I am so grateful I can be here. The point is that I really have to admit that I am also a 'child under a lucky star'....just how things work out. Somehow I have a mixture of trust in life and that things will happen and a certain amount of a sense of responsibility that helps me to actually make things happen. But I really didn't know where to stay until the day before yesterday! I just had already asked some friends whether, in a case of emergency, I could stay at their house. So that was allright, I had a backup. Timo's place, however, is just amazingly perfect for my current needs. I can phone for free, have free internet access, am close to the place I am planning to paint portraits at, close to my friends who all live in Kreuzberg and it is simply BEAUTIFUL, which is very important for my psyche and it has a BATHTUB!!! :-)

When I entered today, with my 'own' key, I felt this 'Paris-energy' thru my body and soul and spirit. I WILL BE CREATIVE!!!!!!!!! I am so much looking forward for the time to come and so it is really true that I leave the year at ECLA behind with a crying and a smiling eye. it was love

....

stay in tune

geraldine, who enjoys life so much and loves life so much and is so damn grateful for everything that is offered to me. I take it and I will make the best possible out of it in return. love!!!

so now that everybody left

...I feel very strange.
last night I fell asleep on my bed with my clothes on. and my shoes. fucked up ain't it. I woke up with a DVD in my hand which I had p[lanned to watch. I woke up and I was sad. I looked into the mirror and felt even more strange. everything will change now. I am sure it will be exciting but the very moment of letting things go hurts very much.
Mira is very sad, she sits next to me and hardly can keep the tears back from falling.
the sun shines innocently down and the leaves of the backyardtrees are blinking in the summerair. I want to let go. Sure I do! But it hurts so much! When will I ever see them again? They are my family. The WERE. *sigh*

well okay. I can't go on like this. I will write later more. This is tough. Oh my god.

geraldine

i know, i know it s just that i am not used to it.  

music music music

yeah epitonic.com is just great.

well. the NEWS?

here we go: my mom visited me for the last days at college. it was simply great. we had such a good time and in fact i think i wouldn't have made it without her. my crazy schedule (weekend + monday: 60 hours NO SLEEP AT ALL, doing the yearbook, tuesday: preparing my exhibition and performance with guitar/singing, having the vernissage in the evening, wednesday: preparing and holding the speech for graduation, distributing the yearbook (oh what a satisfaction! everybody thinks it is the best yearbook ever)) was only manageable with her help. THANK YOU MOM!

everybody here thinks that she is crazy cool and beautiful and all that. i am really proud of my ma, really.
yesterday we had a really good day in berlin, hanging out in bar 25, and today we went really early in the morning to go on top of the Reichstagsroof.
now i am incredibly tired. have to clean my room. can't believe its over. everything falls apart. it is very odd and absurd. it should have ended with a big bang. hanging out here is like dying a slow death. terrible.
it s too sad.
monday i leave for schopfheim to bring some luggage home and visit some people. the following weekend cathy will come to berlin and we will spend time there together. (my cousin). i want to do so many things still. as always. well well.

thats it so far. epitonic is really cool check that out.

lots of love to you out there

geraldine

I proudly present: the dude. 

nightingale 

happy 

Firenze, ahhhh Firenze I was so so so so happy that evening, it was an evening in march, in firenze. did i say that already? with dorel and laura from hospitalityclub (www.hospitalityclub.org) 

vice versa 

me and my sis, partner acrobatics (don't look at my face though ;-P 

M., me and M. they are among my most beloved ones here ;-)  

this is my house. dorel and ionut are missing though, and of course christina, she betrayed us and lives basically with Joseph in house24 now ;-)) 

M. and I. it s their fault that i laugh my ass off all the time  

Zeynep and me, at somebodies birthdayparty in house 16. Hasn't she got the most amazing smile ever? 

Me and Zeynep....@ ecla 

am so tired

it s four am i am so tired. layouting is really...mmmh...feel like...mmmh. listening to kid loco for example....
i remember the winter i worked as a waitress in 'palazzo colombino' the variete gourmet theater. aaaah. when cleaning stuff after work we used to listen to kid loco...this sighing....this emobdiment of desire. well yeah. i can perfectly relate
n8
g

'when the night feels my song'

is the title of the song I hear in a loop right now. Bedouinsoundclash of course... aaaah.

I am feel as if I am being cut in pieces, slice after slice and although i know perfectly well that one week is nothing and just rushes by I feel as if this will never end. That is because I don't see a possible way of how getting everything done that i have to get done.
As simple as that.
My exhibition is now rescheduled to tuesday so my Mother will be able to see it too. And most importantly, hear me. But, I really feel a bit intimidated when she is around, to be honest. She is already coming on monday and will hear me performing at the singing class 'concert' and then, on tuesday at my exhibit, I would also like to perform (but with my guitar)...And she is just so endlessly critical. Thats maybe good though, as she will probably be the only person on this world who will tell me how much I suck.

Well... I wish I was living a more successful life, but then again I have to remind myself that every flower grows in their own pace, and trees even take longer....

I am the tree.

I guess.

well i go now to think of how to stage 'Venice Saved' by Simone Weil. The storyboard and everything needs to be ready tomorrow by two pm.

'when the night feels my song' I am in the space between times, the moment breathes in and inbetween the moment in inhales and then exhales I am caught and marvel at the wonder of dark silent nights and longing hearts that paint the night in a dark red with their blood.

geraldine, nightingale

as i am already advertising....

....i thought i can introduce to whoever reads this in the bloggersphere following band which I found interesting....: Bedouin Soundclash...just follow the link and see for yourself.....and the leadsinger is not too bad of an painter too!!!! ....
love always
geraldine
ps I am fine....

I love you Kim!...

!...on a very artistic level....this is some art by kim. he is one of the most gorgeous artists I know. check his website out http://www.kimkoester.com/ or the fascinating virtual-art project http://www.99rooms.com/.

Kim was actually the main reason why I decided not to go back into a relationship. Well, lets say he was the actuator who triggered the decision which was hovering in the air anyways. I met him the second time in 'Deep', a very fascinating electroclub in Berlin where we danced like crazy the whole night. When we got out of the club the sun was already rising, it felt like coming out of hell into heaven...the birds where singing and we decided to have breakfast together. It was a beautiful february snowy morning, the sun glistered and twinkled on the snow, our eyelashes where covered by white crystalls. We went to my dorm and I was so excited that I even couldn't eat really. We had a fascinating conversation, mainly about art and love and also about relationships and philosophy.

Matter of fact, this morning asserted me in not going back into a relationship and also that it is perfectly allright if I wouldn't.We walked back through the sun to the trainstation. The silence and the words were just too beautiful to be described here. My heart regained energy and I saw: ThIS IS WHAT I WANT. I want procreative, prolific relationships, I want to have sex on an artistic level, I want to be challeneged and I want to be free to take every chance that life offers me. I don't want to be bound. And although Kim's attitude towards relationships might be in itself problematic, for me it was the best that could have happened to me and it opened me up to a world which I always wanted to be in. He showed me how to, by simply being there. We haven't seen each other much ever since but thats not relevant at all. He was the key to the door. Thank you Kim, I will always love you for that. When he left we kissed good bye. It was as dreamy a kiss as had been the whole morning. Miraculous

'heart massage' -art installation

! 'heart massage' (love sick) installation. February 2005 by me. (the girl in the back at the wall is me). The whole idea came about as I realized that what I felt was like a heart massage. My heart was maybe broken, but I doubt it. I was terribly love sick and I have never experienced something like that before, but my heart really was massaged throughout the whole time. I couldn't decribe it in a better way. So I decided to transform my pain into art, and the creative process and also the realizations I had while developing the idea helped me so much that I think I achieved something in two weeks, what usually takes a lot more time. I really felt transformed thereafter and I felt I was at a new level then and could go on from there. It was really amazing.

The head of the puppet you see at the right corner is a first aid dummy. If one gave the dummy a heart massage it switched on the electricity for the light and music installation which gave an insight in what happens inside a person when she/he is love sick. The cellophane tarp labyrinth with transparent photos on it symbolized the sweet and at times painful memories in which one is trapped and the sound was taken from Mullholland Drive when this girl cries and masturbates in the same time and I added some sobbing from myself too. The whole thing would vanish at once, by the next push on the dummy's chest.

In one corner there was a TV running mute as to symbolize how things just keep on going no matter what happens to you. There was, however, an exit to the whole labyrinth; a marked off door which lead to a very small space in which there was only the sound of heartbeating, a very kitschy plush heart, a candle and a mirror in which one looked when looking into this little room. The idea was, that the solution to the whole problem is to face oneself, to come back to oneself, to confront oneself in order to gain back your heart ..... You'll find below some more photos of the installation...

this is yet another pic of the cellophane 'memory' labyrinth 

this is the first aid dummy one was supposed to give a heart massage. do you see the cable running to him? that was the connection in order to set the light and sound going 

this is the exit to the problem. there is a scissors in the middle of the door. can you see it? we always can take it and cut the way free ourselves. but sometimes we just won't.  

another pic of my 'heart massage' installation 

this is the TV (the movie was night on earth by jim jarmush i think) in my 'heart massage' installation which I described below 

interim report

Some of you know that I am one of those unlucky personalities who always want everything and this at the same time.
Thats why I am stuck now in front of the computer, trying to do the yearbook for which I have to learn how this great InDesign programme from Adobe works...Its really a great programme but its difficult to get into it.
So what I do most of the time now, is to sit in front of the computer, freak out every now and then, read other people's blogs and be fascinated by them and feel that my posts suck more or less compared to them,

and I try not to think of the

• essay I still have to write for Gabe,
• the final project for my directing and dramaturgy class which is due on thursday and involves a whole storyboard of how to stage Venice Saved by Simone Weil,
• the Spanish exam on tuesday and
• the review on "maria full of grace" i have to write for it and
• Violeta coming this weekend and last but not least
• the party tonight in an abandoned house somewhere in Berlin which Kim is organzing http://www.kimkoester.com)
• and of course 'Berlin Lacht' the street art festival in Berlin this weekend. I really want to go there because my friends, who I mentioned in a previous post ('and the sage continues') are going to parttake with some shows.....also I have to think about
• the speech I am going to give at our graduation party (yeah, sure, you knew it, it was me who was going to volunteer for that lol, haha, I really fucking don't grow up at all) and oh, i forgot,
• the additional work I have to do for David, about Venice and where the action of the play really took place and stuff....haha...its never ending, is it?
• and my singing performance on the 20 th of June....and
• the recording i still have to do for Lena and Lars from HC hannover http://www.hospitalityclub.org

I am just really looking forward to the time after ECLA, painting, doing acrobatics, poing, music, jam sessions and some good festivals...also my cousin Cathy will come to visit in the first weeks of July for a weekend or so. I am really looking forward to that. And to think of all the things I'll do then makes me feel better. But I have to think of how to make money and organize myself papers to work in the Hotel Estrel...Hope this will work out.

yours busy

always

g

and this is waaaaaaaay back in 2003, halloween with my first hospitalityguest (www.hospitalityclub.org) Milda from Lithuania and me with a wig ;-) (i wish i had those curls!!!) 

me and charles at a ecla party......... 

Thats at the carneval of cultures in Berlin.....the girl with the orange scarf around the head is me and Mira is next to me (right hand, the girl with the blond hair) This carneval was just grrrreat and gorgeous!!! we danced like four hours or so in the rain and had the best time ever. I got sick afterwards, but it was worth it. Students at ECLA have to study hard but we party hard, too!!!!! 

This is THE DUDE. Romanian maverick who got the greatest sense of humour ever and eventually will become a great movie-director!!!!!!! I love him  

Firenze.....march 2005......that was in that gorgeous fancy restaurant-bar-lobby thing, where you could eat as much as you want from the buffet, if you paid the drinks.... ;-) I was very very very happy in Firenze....Firenze is my city...... 

These are my fellow students and friends, family...... ohhh I love them too much. Okay, the guy is Danilo, a very attractive and sex-addicted Italian (everything he says has a double meaning....it s hilarious) and Mira, my lunatic-companion and Party-Mountain-climbing friend from Ukraine, Zeynep from Turkey (she is such a lovely girl and a partyanimal, too), Maria from Moldavia (see pic below) and Marina, from Ukraine, as well......(all from left to right) 

one of the beautiful moments in Pankow...sunset......break from essay writing...and those are VIP's from my current life!!!!! thats MIRA (i wrote on her in this post quite a bit), me and Maria, who is a gorgeous lady from Moldavia.....she is a very good friend and my guitarstudent... ;-)