Can't believe they kicked me out of the house! Two of my best friends just said yes to this crazy sorority-infected decision. Geez. Didn't do nobody harm. They knew how much I loved my room. Oh WELL! Amanda said that Erika was like 'it's better now, since she is going home, it's good to be with your family when somebody kicked you out of the house'....hahahaha, thanks for THINKING so hard for me. I am not a kid though, bitch, how about ASKING people what they think.
Can't believe that I am going home.
I'll be home this sunday! I can't believe it! I can't!
Hey, dear Schopfheim, I love you much. Coming home.....Without my love....
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Forgive Them Father (lyrics)
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust
Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto
Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do
Although them again we will never, never, never trust
Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto
Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do
Forgive Them Father
good bye, homeless man. good bye, capitol records tower, red blue flag. good bye drunk. good bye room, my little ship, who ever knew you had to become the symbol of friend-ship-wreck.
Made me wonder, for a minute or two, whether I was a bad captn, boohoo, but then I had to face it, phony people are a part of LA's desease, loyality isn't spelled right and the line between friends and traitors remains in the twilight.
'Like Kain and Abel, Cesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas, backstabbers do this, Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.' (Lauryn Hill)
Made me wonder, for a minute or two, whether I was a bad captn, boohoo, but then I had to face it, phony people are a part of LA's desease, loyality isn't spelled right and the line between friends and traitors remains in the twilight.
'Like Kain and Abel, Cesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas, backstabbers do this, Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.' (Lauryn Hill)
how can you
how can you
you really sorted it out in your head, didn't you
making yourself feel good
your betrayal a necessity in your universe
just please don't think it makes our friendship better from worse
the ship, wrecked,
it was a ghost ship always anyhow
amazing how we can fool ourselves, can we
how can you
be so affectionate, hey how are you sweeeetie.
great to see you,
how was work?
your voice already dying, meeting the ice of my self
i have ice you know
i just kept it on a shelf
you really sorted it out in your head, didn't you
making yourself feel good
your betrayal a necessity in your universe
just please don't think it makes our friendship better from worse
the ship, wrecked,
it was a ghost ship always anyhow
amazing how we can fool ourselves, can we
how can you
be so affectionate, hey how are you sweeeetie.
great to see you,
how was work?
your voice already dying, meeting the ice of my self
i have ice you know
i just kept it on a shelf
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
home sweet home
I am going to be home soon!!!!
I am going to be home soon!!!!!!
I am going to be home soon!
I am going to be HOME sooooon!!!!!!
I am going to be home soon!!!!!!!!!!
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5033654596524716898" />
Isn't that beautiful?!
I am going to be home soon!!!!!!
I am going to be home soon!
I am going to be HOME sooooon!!!!!!
I am going to be home soon!!!!!!!!!!
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5033654596524716898" />Isn't that beautiful?!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Hope
Hope can be like this window.
An unexpected pink curtain fluttering in the wind like a whiff of sweet sweet roses in your hair.
The yearning and longing moves in circles and gives birth to itself in seemingly neverending successions. It's as if the dompteur just fell asleep, can't direct no more. The arm sunken down, hanging useless at the side, feeling heavy, as if it was made of gold and platinum. The premium experience of heavy repetition. The final installment of time and space in one point for eternity.
I know you don't know what I am talking about. I am just tired and trying to draw circles into my computer and blank mind. If I only could think properly. But since I can't I am just kind of hopelessly hoping, hanging in the air.
I know I really loved you man. I really really did. That's wonderful. I don't know about now but it came to me today, while riding my skateboard back 'home', that it really was beautiful not to say anything and just be with each other. In each other.
I can't help it but I can't cry anymore. People knew that it was special. I mean man, even Ben the big 'that's life man'-dude asked me whether I saw you.
The complexity of the situation makes for a good confusion.
We are tangled up in blue.
And the dompteur slowly rises his arm...
Thursday, February 08, 2007
flashbacks
Sometimes I like to put a record on that just died. I mean by that a record that just has passed its prime, its time in my life, that I have waved good bye a couple of weeks ago. The memories it brings are mingled with a whiff of a time-travel tease. Sweet, but not too sweet, bitter but not too bitter. Nothing that would make me throw up anymore.
It' s basically like taking a sunbath in a feeling that has the quality of an old aquaintance or even a friend that you haven't seen in a while - an oddly warm and well-known feeling which bears however the intriguing mystery of something new, a new perspective maybe.
Neil Young is doing that right now for me.
It was a time, when I felt more sure about certain things. Maybe my sense of longing and yearning was more distinctive.
I just don't know what is now, but I will know later.
It' s basically like taking a sunbath in a feeling that has the quality of an old aquaintance or even a friend that you haven't seen in a while - an oddly warm and well-known feeling which bears however the intriguing mystery of something new, a new perspective maybe.
Neil Young is doing that right now for me.
It was a time, when I felt more sure about certain things. Maybe my sense of longing and yearning was more distinctive.
I just don't know what is now, but I will know later.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
crossroads
amazing how sometimes there is a real choice to be made.
as you know i am more a 'go with the flow' kind of person but even people like that have to make decisions sometimes.
i know that i could have made san francisco/berkely happen and maybe that would have brought him back to me or maybe it would have decided on a final cut way earlier than it happened otherwise.
but there is no maybe. there is just this certain feeling that it was a crossroads and i chose to stay in LA.
The reasons I stayed for are different from what I see now seems to be the real ones. but that doesn't matter at all.
what matters is, that there was a crossroads and my life would have been significanly different had I gone to Berkely, work for Heidi's father in law as a lawyer's assistant and be surrounded by these people and the nature and the san francisco vibe. i would have taken dance lessons and i would have been a different person.
but i am not
i am losing myself now
more and more and more and more and more
i wonder when it is completely
there is no one who can help me
to get out of this because there is no getting out of it
there is only a getting through it
as churchill already said, if you are going through hell, KEEP GOING.
i am not losing myself in the way that I get lost and dragged to the ground.
i am losing layers like an onion
i have to face truths that i knew i will have to face one day but i never wanted to
life is forcing me to
the experience here in la forces me to see through the deluding facettes of my fucking trillions of talents
who are ever beckoning and singing like sirenes to make me lose my way
maybe this is already being lost but i don't think so
i think
that
it isn't healthy being a loser for too long
but then again,
i had to be
just for a little while
life is longer than that moment
as you know i am more a 'go with the flow' kind of person but even people like that have to make decisions sometimes.
i know that i could have made san francisco/berkely happen and maybe that would have brought him back to me or maybe it would have decided on a final cut way earlier than it happened otherwise.
but there is no maybe. there is just this certain feeling that it was a crossroads and i chose to stay in LA.
The reasons I stayed for are different from what I see now seems to be the real ones. but that doesn't matter at all.
what matters is, that there was a crossroads and my life would have been significanly different had I gone to Berkely, work for Heidi's father in law as a lawyer's assistant and be surrounded by these people and the nature and the san francisco vibe. i would have taken dance lessons and i would have been a different person.
but i am not
i am losing myself now
more and more and more and more and more
i wonder when it is completely
there is no one who can help me
to get out of this because there is no getting out of it
there is only a getting through it
as churchill already said, if you are going through hell, KEEP GOING.
i am not losing myself in the way that I get lost and dragged to the ground.
i am losing layers like an onion
i have to face truths that i knew i will have to face one day but i never wanted to
life is forcing me to
the experience here in la forces me to see through the deluding facettes of my fucking trillions of talents
who are ever beckoning and singing like sirenes to make me lose my way
maybe this is already being lost but i don't think so
i think
that
it isn't healthy being a loser for too long
but then again,
i had to be
just for a little while
life is longer than that moment
Monday, February 05, 2007
This is to everybody who wants me to sue the MTA
Joni Mitchell is right now my main focus music wise. Rummaging through her lyrics I found this little gem that shows that nothing has really changed from when she first wrote it, and in the middle I had to smile because it pinpointed it: this goes to all of you who want me to sue the fuck out of MTA just for the heck of it....I mean...just because everybody can do it, it doesn't mean it's right. Even if I gave the money to charity. There are invisible things in this world and honor and honesty matter somewhere in this fine filigran web of truths and lies and life and death...and luck and bad luck......
'The Three Great Stimulants'
I picked the morning paper off the floor
It was full of other peoples little wars
Wouldnt they like their peace
Dont we get bored
And we call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
No tanks have ever rumbled through these streets
And the drone of planes at night has never frightened me
I keep the hours and the company that I please
And we call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
Oh and deep in the night
Our appetites find us
Release us and bind us
Deep in the night
While madmen sit up building bombs
And making laws and bars
Theyd like to slam free choice behind us
I saw a little lawyer on the tube
He said, its so easy now, anyone can sue.
Let me show you how your petty aggravations can profit you!
Call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
Oh and deep in the night
Appetites find us
Release us and blind us
Deep in the night
While madmen sit up building bombs
And making laws and bars
Theyre gonna slam free choice behind us
Last night I dreamed I saw the planet flicker
Great forests fell like buffalo
Everything got sicker
And to the bitter end
Big business bickered
And they call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
Oh these times, these times
Oh these changing times
Change in the heart of all mankind
Oh these troubled times
'The Three Great Stimulants'
I picked the morning paper off the floor
It was full of other peoples little wars
Wouldnt they like their peace
Dont we get bored
And we call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
No tanks have ever rumbled through these streets
And the drone of planes at night has never frightened me
I keep the hours and the company that I please
And we call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
Oh and deep in the night
Our appetites find us
Release us and bind us
Deep in the night
While madmen sit up building bombs
And making laws and bars
Theyd like to slam free choice behind us
I saw a little lawyer on the tube
He said, its so easy now, anyone can sue.
Let me show you how your petty aggravations can profit you!
Call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
Oh and deep in the night
Appetites find us
Release us and blind us
Deep in the night
While madmen sit up building bombs
And making laws and bars
Theyre gonna slam free choice behind us
Last night I dreamed I saw the planet flicker
Great forests fell like buffalo
Everything got sicker
And to the bitter end
Big business bickered
And they call for the three great stimulants
Of the exhausted ones
Artifice, brutality and innocence
Artifice and innocence
Oh these times, these times
Oh these changing times
Change in the heart of all mankind
Oh these troubled times
Saturday, February 03, 2007
ants and fags
for some reason intuition always leads me to the right places at the right time. it is weird because maybe it's just my perspective that changes as soon as i take a chance on something and hence i view everything through a 'that is fabulous' filter.
who cares, it doesn't matter.
what matters is that i made a discovery tonight:
around 3 AM the 304 Bus from Santa Monica to Downtown fills up with fags in the area between West Hollywood and Hollywood. For some reason they seem to be going to Downtown.
'I am not sleeping' said he and it such a gorgeously gay way that I couldn't stop beaming.
He showed me music videos from Bjork and others and we talked about David Lynch and Monsieur Gordoy (?) who made some of Bjorks videos...
And we were trying to remember her husband's name. The famous installation artist! Gosh! my brain is mush.
Another thing I realized tonight is that police on motorcycles aren't only hot but they also remember me of the fact that we are very much like ants. Or bees. How they swarm out to sort things out.
It's an organization.
I love gay guys. Thanks God there are always a couple of Gay guys in each society. They are most likely to be pacifists, art lovers and totally save to us women. I've never felt that save on a late night bus in LA....
*ps damn, it's late, save with a v! gee....fff
who cares, it doesn't matter.
what matters is that i made a discovery tonight:
around 3 AM the 304 Bus from Santa Monica to Downtown fills up with fags in the area between West Hollywood and Hollywood. For some reason they seem to be going to Downtown.
'I am not sleeping' said he and it such a gorgeously gay way that I couldn't stop beaming.
He showed me music videos from Bjork and others and we talked about David Lynch and Monsieur Gordoy (?) who made some of Bjorks videos...
And we were trying to remember her husband's name. The famous installation artist! Gosh! my brain is mush.
Another thing I realized tonight is that police on motorcycles aren't only hot but they also remember me of the fact that we are very much like ants. Or bees. How they swarm out to sort things out.
It's an organization.
I love gay guys. Thanks God there are always a couple of Gay guys in each society. They are most likely to be pacifists, art lovers and totally save to us women. I've never felt that save on a late night bus in LA....
*ps damn, it's late, save with a v! gee....fff
Friday, February 02, 2007
forgetting
i forget so quickly
i even forget to worry about it
blessed are the ignorant
why is this mind still turning so much
occasionally only worrying
sometimes happy
i forgot what all those lifes were like
i don't remember anymore
nothing
i remember only that i attached some value to it
it was worth some of it
now another life
takes place
another stamp
where am i sent?
i don't know
there was a destination
i know
i forgot what it was like to love her and be happy
now doors are closed
i believe i shut them
another song
another day
another life
i even forget to worry about it
blessed are the ignorant
why is this mind still turning so much
occasionally only worrying
sometimes happy
i forgot what all those lifes were like
i don't remember anymore
nothing
i remember only that i attached some value to it
it was worth some of it
now another life
takes place
another stamp
where am i sent?
i don't know
there was a destination
i know
i forgot what it was like to love her and be happy
now doors are closed
i believe i shut them
another song
another day
another life
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