6 th grade

i remember, back then, 1996, blackforest
there was a party, one of our first parties, at lisa's house.
yeah, the way a proper party should look like was very clear to us, back then. it was supposed to have good juices around to drink, but that wasn't so important. more important was the music, to dance, and nice decoration, and light... yeah, we didn't know, that the grown ups did NOT have parties like that. we thought, that this was the way it was supposed to be. we did not smoke, we did not drink alcohol and we did not sit around a whole night, 'chillin' around. the word 'chilling' was not popular back then anyways, at least not to us.
we danced as we liked to, but more importantly, we danced in pairs. the 'broom'-dance was very popular, for example. all danced in pairs, one with a broom, and when the music stopped everybody had to switch partners and one would wound up with the broom...and in the end there was a broom king and a broom queen who had to dance together, all alone on the 'dancefloor'....
our first experience with numbness was not with drugs, as it is apparently a major feature of the 'grown-up' parties, but with making ourselves lose our consciousness with that breathing trick. i was very fond of that...you would breath deep about 50 times and then press your fingers against your mouth and lose your consciousness for about a few seconds...
i liked it so much but when juli told me that i lose many brain-cells doing that i stopped it and was actually very worried about my precious brain-cells ;-)
this particular evening though i was in a very strange mood. i remember that although we had such a great class spirit everyone was very aware of the inner dynamics in our class with groups and who was popular and who was not. i guess in any group it is like that.
i was popular but i had been excluded from the very first party. they hadn't invited me. it was at lisa's house and lisa was my biggest rival. they all were very much into the first explorations of the other sex. i wasn't really. i was very idealistic back then. i was the third at home and the third always gets the prince in the end. and i was waiting for that prince. sure, i was in love with some boys, now and then, and more and more as time went on, but this night i was sad and sat on the broad window sill of lisa's room and looked into the dark night.
there was a huge round moon floating in the sky and staring at it i felt like my wings spread a little. i suddenly knew for sure that you were out there. somewhere. i did not know who you were but i knew you were there and you were probably feeling the same. we all do.
so i sent all my love and feelings and longings up there, to the moon, poor fellow, he gets all those vibes although he didn't ask for them....
i am still looking up there sometimes. the moon is full again. la told me all women get this special feeling when the moon is full. maybe he knows.
the music and dancing went on in the room but it was so far away from me then. i sat there for ages, all feeling, all senses, all longing and yearning.
lisa and i are very good friends now and we both know by now, that 'grown-up' parties are not as we imagined them to be back then.
but we still dance and we still love, explore and have high hopes. and we still have ideals.
and i sometimes just dance in the streets, at night, when i listen to good music and see the stars above me. then i think of you and how much i love you