crossroads

amazing how sometimes there is a real choice to be made.
as you know i am more a 'go with the flow' kind of person but even people like that have to make decisions sometimes.
i know that i could have made san francisco/berkely happen and maybe that would have brought him back to me or maybe it would have decided on a final cut way earlier than it happened otherwise.
but there is no maybe. there is just this certain feeling that it was a crossroads and i chose to stay in LA.
The reasons I stayed for are different from what I see now seems to be the real ones. but that doesn't matter at all.
what matters is, that there was a crossroads and my life would have been significanly different had I gone to Berkely, work for Heidi's father in law as a lawyer's assistant and be surrounded by these people and the nature and the san francisco vibe. i would have taken dance lessons and i would have been a different person.

but i am not
i am losing myself now
more and more and more and more and more
i wonder when it is completely
there is no one who can help me
to get out of this because there is no getting out of it
there is only a getting through it
as churchill already said, if you are going through hell, KEEP GOING.

i am not losing myself in the way that I get lost and dragged to the ground.
i am losing layers like an onion
i have to face truths that i knew i will have to face one day but i never wanted to
life is forcing me to
the experience here in la forces me to see through the deluding facettes of my fucking trillions of talents
who are ever beckoning and singing like sirenes to make me lose my way
maybe this is already being lost but i don't think so
i think
that
it isn't healthy being a loser for too long
but then again,
i had to be

just for a little while

life is longer than that moment