random update

waking up in my own new room.
nobody next to me.
no things of other people around me.
no smell of smoke in the room.
it is great!
I love to be by myself. oh yeah.
so Blake called me out of the blue. I forgot that he was coming to LA. Told me he has a culture shock, still, and is slowly getting used to being here. (He'll be here until may or so) I laughed a lot because it seemed all so predictable in a way. Seems as if everybody, even if they were American at a point, has to go through this in the beginning. Coming from Berlin to LA isn't that easy for some weird reason. 'The way the people talk to each other, the thousands of cars, the traffic, the BIG cars (hahaha, I remember being bummed out about that, now I even don't see it anymore!), the plastic...'
So Blake was this guy I met in Berlin who was from LA and had just decided to stay in Berlin for one more year whereas I just ahd decided to move to LA. So that was kinda funny in a way and it's weird to think that we'll meet here now in LA. Weird. He had a really great apartment in eastern Berlin, high ceilings, red walls and a great roof where you could have nice secret dinners (I didn't, but I liked the idea). Looking out of his window you could see this house across the street that looked like a sunset. It was painted red, orange, gold, yellow, like a sunset, in warm earthy colors like the houses in Rome, it was insanly beautiful. Phew, what a view!
I'll see him this friday and I am kind of nervous, to be quite honest but I am sure it will be all fine....Weird, but fine. I mean...so much has happened. Really. I feel like I am an entirely different person from how he knew me. There are a lot of things that I do now that I didn't do then and there are a lot of things that I don't do anymore that I did then.

Oh well....clap, clap, clap!

The sun is making her way to my window...I am listening to a classical Tango piece. Yesterday night we had a little 'cocktail' party here, Erika and Amanda made a spontaneous decision about that. We had Amanda's boyfriend and his friends over. It was quite fun, although I didn't feel like socialising. One of Noah's bandmembers, Joe, was so funny that I actually laughed through the whole evening, plus, he actually got my sense of humor which was delighting. Usually people just think that I am just really really weird but it's nice every now and then when somebody seems to get it...Chifflo came over later, too, and he and Tiff seem to be all back together...She cooked him spaghetti at 2 AM and the way he held her from behind while she was cooking triggered a lot of my own cooking memories to resurface. Beautiful. But lonely. Well, whatever. It's all good. I am thinking a lot about what happened and that Blake just called now. It's like a test maybe for me. How I want to proceed. In which direction I want to go. I am actually quite happy how things are now. It's great to be an unavailable single. Being single itself really sucks at times. You kind of always look. But the way it is for me is really different. I am not interested at all but of course I wish somebody special would be more communicative and sharing. Still. I mean, it's not like I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I have those scenarios in my head in which I try to imagine what I should have done in certain situations and how it might have changed the outcome. It's a futile endeavor, of course, but I can't help it.
Looking at everything I still don't know whether it's okay to be me. Haha. But really. There is a need to demand respect from people close to you and I just seem to have a very hard time to demand this. I always find understanding for the most fucked up situations and forgive but then a part of me can't move on. A part of me still nags and nags and can't keep it down.

I have a lot of good memories.