I make eggs in the morning. I listen to this music. I think of my love and admiration for S.

Then I sit down and eat my eggs. The world is grey outside. And a wave crushes over me. A crying that comes over me and I just let it come. It feels like this is my last meal it feels as if death is inevitable. A strange sensation. What a strange feeling that is. Maybe I have to go through this one more time. Fully aware. I am so confused. I really don´t know. I was so scared of dying these last past weeks. As if it was bound to happen. And of course it is bound to happen, at some point. But the idea of it happening soon is a completely different mind game. Why is this happening? I am afraid that I am merely over dramatizing things. Or not getting at the root of something. Or maybe I am just plain scared and that´s okay. Maybe it is okay. Maybe it is just fear. I wonder what Max and Uli must have gone through.