handwritten letters

my dad insists on handwritten letter contact.
now today on 3 d Street Promenade I had a discussion with a Russian Championship juggler, whether or not it makes sense to do that. He said, do you think, your dad really reads your letters twice? And carries them around with him?
Well, I ll ask that my dad, haha, but let me explain a further really realy good point, why writing letters is even better than blogging:

MAYBE it's just me, but every time I wrote my dad a letter (and maybe it really depends on the recipent too, to make this work) something, in the flow of writing (as opposed to typing!), happened: something jumped into my mind, something revealed itself in a way that I hadn't been thinking in this way before.
For example, in the attempt to explain him my current pretty much fucked up situation (i am basically torturing myself with a lot of very very difficult thoughts and feelings related to my heart, my life and my decisions what to do and where to be and how to be yeah) I said something that surprised myself but made a lot of sense when I followed the train of thought and explored it a little bit more.

It was about diplomacy and the sense of responsibility in my life and in my person.
I realized that pretty much all of my life I have been in similarly disturbing situations of inner self-conflict because of that. Because of me being able to understand the other's point of view too well and not being able to be stubborn about my point of view, in case it happens to be weak in the light of the other's point of view.

Okay, fuck, that sounds complicated. Lets put it this way: as a teenager, for example, it always bothered me greatly that I couldn't be as rebellious as my sister or friends of mine, because I simple understood my dad's points way too well to be able to just disregard them. I tell you, that's really mind boggeling when you just want to be blind and stupid and teenager like you know?

then...sense of responsibility towards my life and other people is basically at the core of my current problem. I feel a responsibiltiy towards my lover, towards my heart and towards the other part of my heart that is calling me to jump back on the train I feel I have to be on (in terms of studying/professional life/ commitment to this world/planet/society)
And although you might discard astrology as crap and bulshit, I tell ya, this is a very very piscie-like problem I am stuck in right now. haha. which, of course, doesn't make it less of a problem.

But as everything else too, those things have the other side of the coin: Although it feels terribly wrong to be here I can apply these reoccuring factors of my life/persona (that is diplomacy and responsibility) on my current situation and say: okay, it feels freaking wrong to be here and all that, but in the same time I have to be true to myself and get out of this situation in a proper, appropriate and respectful way:

>I will have to pay tribute to my heart, give it a benefit of a doubt and assume that it is not blinded and entirely swept away by my Gypsy and let time show what it is about ( a year has to be enough though, I mean, hey, after all we have to move on and be active too, God helps those who help themselves, right?!)

> I will have to be responsible towards the heart that I opened myself up to and that I asked to open up to me too. That means, I can't just leave all of the sudden and out of the blue, after having built up something so precious. I really do care about my love and I in no ways want to hurt or break him. I want to pay tribute to his feelings too, which are very serious, more serious than I know and let time show, whether this thing that I feel is growing inside of me, will turn out to be the same flower that he sees blossoming in his heart right now.

> I will have to be diplomatic with my life: I will have to work and get rid of my DEBTS in a grown-up way and in the same time pursue and prepare my future studies so that I can jump right into them, when the train comes by. That is, I will work a job that will be of benefit to my latter studies and prepare myself at home for the entrance exam.

> I will have to be responsible and pursue music in a serious way, so the money and effort I put into it pays off and wasn't for nothing.

That is what I will do and therefore it is okay to be here, although it feels so wrong.
I think it is really the environment that gets on me the hard way, I can convince myself as much as I want, that it doesn't matter where I am, especially when my heart is filled with love and I can be with my lover, matter of fact, this feeling of being at the wrong place comes back to haunt me so what am I gonna do, huh? Ignore it and let it explode one day?
Nope. I will acknowledge the fact that it feels wrong, that life has an utterly weird sense of humor or putting us to test, and try to get stronger, instead of weaker, by seeing the situation as it is and making the best out of it.

I just realized, you know, that no matter how much I will try to build up a life for me here, it won't feel right. It feels still empty and senseless in a way. Rock climbing, playing flute, acrobatics, juggeling, camping, hiking....all this doesn't have the same vibe of making sense, as it does back home. For which ever reason, that is how it is, and what can I do about it? Nothing. I will do it, regardless, enjoy it, practice, give my best, but in the end I will have to follow the calling and go back.

Even if it is only to realize that it is more important to be with the one you love.

The prospect of studying international relations in Dresden is electrifying. It contains a semester in Russia, I could improve my Russian skills and dude, live in freaking Dresden. PERFECT I say.

Ha, thats a snapshot of right now, and ahm, it is the result of writing a letter to my dad, trying to explain how fucked up I am and how I've lost view of everything and how I can't see no more.

The point: I CAN SEE. I just had to write this damn letter.

so there we go!!!!! I can only recommend that old-fashioned 'snail-mail' thing!!!