much needed space

for some reason the most irritating thing ever is, when your feelings change.
change in general, i think, is most welcome and most feared by many of us.
we always crave it, once we have it, it scares the shit out of us, cuz we have no idea how to label this change, we don't have any boxes prepared yet, although we should have kept one open just in case the change would come by and knock at the door, right???
so, changing feelings are scary like hell.
if it was up to me, I'd dwell for ever in the mystically beautiful realms of butterfly-love, exclusive love, exqusite love, seventh' cloud love. you know...
and in the same time I always say, hey, you got to put effort in it! nothing comes for free etc pp, the whole 'investment called luck' stuff.
so there was some changes coming around, popping by so to say and i spent many hours at night and during the day at the verge of crying just because I was so scared. The change of feelings changed the color of the glasses I was looking at the world up until then and the world looked so weird through those new glasses, the future looked painful because it showed me many decisions that I possible most probably would have to make and so forth, it was a living hell of very few moments in the now and very many moments in the later, filled with sour wine of twisted mindfucks.
ah.
and then, after doing nothing for a whole day and much unwanted but self-imposed space it dawned even to my childishly freaked out mind, that no matter what I thought I felt as a change in my heart didn't really affect the core of the love I feel and live for him.
no matter what happens, this guy is like crazy important to my life, to my heart, to my mind, to my body, to my soul and whatever I do.
In every aspect, in the negative and the positive, in adapting and in diverting from what he wants.
wow. that's been a trip, really. whatever we have to go through huh?
and all those analytical thoughts don't matter in the end of the day when the missing kicks in big time.
like my very wise Mom said: just practice a lot guitar and everything will turn out just fine.
It's not so much about making all the right moves all the time but putting effort into things with all your heart.
and don't let your mind fuck too much with your heart. seriously. don't.
things will be what they will be and are. que sera, sera.

and until then, I love you just as I do. crazy.

and even if this is a new trick of my much lamented of mind, even if this is a trick just to make me feel more secure about my heart and destiny - even though I might blend myself or jump into illusions .... I don't care.

You are still the only thing that keeps me here and that makes sense after all. You are, you are, you are, you are!!!!!!!!!!