the pardoxity of the ego-thing

man
that was one of those 'Berlin' love relationship evenings.
waited for Heiko and Boby but they didn't show up
so I just wandered a bit around near Potsdamer Platz
came across a real German "Kneipe' just because I had to use the bathroom real quick
there was this marvellous french band.
I stayed.
started dreaming, forming ideas in my mind for own songs

sat down to note them in my journal so i wouldn't forget them as usual
so a guy buys me some drink, we start talking
as he finds out i make music too he wants me to sing there straight away.
'you freestyle'? you gotta show em what you got now!
i am fuckin freezing. fuck! this is one of those situations where i say to myself:
get your fucking ass on that stage and just do it. no false ambitions. just be

but then there is this paradox of the ego-thing.
i am an artist but i am missin an essential feature: my ego doesn't push me on stages or exhibits but makes me stay in my fuckin room.

the ambition is WRONG, I know, fuck it! I shouldn't want to be perfect. Fuck!
What is perfect, hell! so i really make myself go. but first i call Anuschka, in Basel. My partner in crime.
tell her I wanna make love to her on a musical level.

lets put all our sexual and erotic potential into our music. come over. please please. come. so we can make a concernt in july. at least.

she kicks my ass. Her girlfriend goes like "geraldine, put your fuckin ego down!'
so thats it. my ego prevents me from doing it.
i get ridd of it.

we continue talking. but then the guy just don't push it enough and the french musicians wrap up before i can go there. in some way i am happy bout it. for tonight it was enough to pretend i was going to do it. going through all the nervous shit and scary imaginations. and next time i ll be there.

its just such a difference to sing with a mic. am not used to that. but gotta get used to it.

I am still very worried. Artists only succeed when there ego pushes them right there. thats what i sometimes hate about them and exactly what i am lacking. and maybe thats why i wanna become a lawyer lol

g

ps and it s just incredible, what music can do to me. i wanna make love to the moment.