girlfriend

you are such a good girlfriend he said.

and i know he really meant it. i don't write that down here to show off or shed a good light on yours truly, nope, it is a little bit more complicated than that. the point is, that ever since i have had crushes on boys I felt that there is this HUGE love inside of me, that I've always kind of been afraid, it would overwhelm or crush the beloved one and would turn them away from me. I don't know, maybe that's why I always told them off and plunged into 'good cause' projects during my early teenage years, living this love in a way that wouldn't hurt anybody. I remember sitting on a meadow in my home village one day, I think I was 15 or 16 or so and went through an essential sense-of-life-crisis, I had my piano scores with me and jotted my thoughts down on the backside and cried and sobbed and cried and cried and cried and it felt like I couldn't ever stop.
The pressure was big, my teachers and my mom and sometimes also my dad would tell me stuff like 'G, you have big tasks waiting out there for you. you can really make a difference, you have so many assets you can do it lalalalala'.
the problem was, I really felt I wanted to do something, too. I loved and still love this world to death. I love human beings in all their beauty and misery, I love animals and plants and trees and rocks and oceans and mountains and clouds and thunderstorms.

But I didn't want any of this. In actuality I expected a lot from myself too, but in the end I was longing out for shared love, like any of us. And it was so hard to accept that I couldn't have it. Me having a boyfriend was just - out of the question in a way.

This is one of the reasons why I was so desperately sad when things didn't work out with my ex in Berlin last year. I really wanted to love but, yeah, I guess we all learn at some point that you can't make yourself fall in love like that at all. My sister claims it is possible but I can't do it.

I was a horrible girlfriend, honestly, I was such a jerk. I was cute maybe, but that's old news. I wasn't a good girlfriend, period. And maybe that was one of the most disappointing and disillusioning things to happen to me then.

Because I always somehow felt that I would be the BEST girlfriend on the earth, I would say to myself silently when i was in love with someone but didn't dare to show, 'he's such a jerk, he doesn't see me, I would be the best girlfriend he ever had and will ever have' but of course the respective boy wouldn't hear my thoughts at all. Dah.

Well anyways, to bring this to an end, the fact that my love told me that shows me one very very important thing: I am really REALLY IN LOVE this time. this is the love I was hoping and waiting for all this time. And I wasn't wrong maybe after all, about my feeling that I would be a good girlfriend.....

It s just that I love this guy way way way way way way much. He's the best boyfriend and best man and best friend and person in my life.