lay lady lay

I am not used to have a constant critic except for this mean petty one in my own head.
It's just an idea that popped into my head but it deserves some exploration and consideration.
If I really think about it... It's kind of rediculous, but this moment in which my German and History teacher put me down in front of the whole class after I held a report on the Cashmir conflict in India and Pakistan was really one of the most outstanding experiences in my entire school career. I mean, I wouldn't remember it that clearly and vividly otherwise, would I? The point was, that he said that someone with my IQ should have delivered a report of an entirely different format. I know that this sounds really akward and absurd in a way, but I knew what he meant. It's a fact that I tried to deny but have to come to accept, that I have talents and that having talents also brings along some responsibility to use them right.

I FUCKING hate that. But that's maybe why I pretended and felt really stupid during those last years. When I just think of the year in the college. I was so good at feeling stupid and unintellectual and untalented in academic terms.

People get so freaking easily impressed. And it's so freaking easy to feed off that impression you make, this sparkeling magical amazing energy. Maybe I am just an old jealous bitch, maybe I am jealous of my beloved sister who isn't afraid of being so amazing and magical and mysteriously awesome as she is, in fact. When she visited me in Berlin at my college she took me aside and told me, hey, you shouldn't put yourself down all the time in front of your friends. There is nothing wrong with being talented and colorful like you are. You make them feel stupid when you do that.
She was right, dude, I either should have hid everything away or not put myself down otherwise. Acrobatics, painting, fireswinging, singing, organizing, partying, loving, all these things... I displayed them freely.

Music.
I can't write songs because the critic in my head is too strong.
That's so fucking vain and stupid if you ask me. This has to stop!

So lets get back to the point: This one time in school when my history teacher critized me I was positively surprised. I loved that. But , here 's the point, he was a CONSTRUCTIVE critic. He told me and let me know that he believes in me being able to do better.

The prof's in my college didn't really care maybe. They maybe just didn't know I could do better. I knew. I had to prove it to myself, locking myself up for almost a week, writing an essay that actually meant something to me and I got an A+ for it minus the plus acutally, becuase i was late. But who freaking cares. I didn't.

Now I am with my love and he critizes me a lot. And it sucks. I want someone next to me, who encourages me and brings me up instead of down. But wait, I am wrong about that, lately he started encouraging and complementing me on my music (which the critic in my head thinks is absolutely ridiculous and weird and undeserved) .... and so here it goes, the idea that popped into my head, while listening to Bob Dylan:

Maybe I am just not used to having a constant critic. And maybe that's exactly what i was looking for. Nobody said that you won't feel like running away once you found what you were looking for.

But oh it is so difficult to live with a critic. But then again, working out is always healthy (to some extend I know I know) and maybe that's just a work out for me, yeah and maybe also to give the critic in my head a little vacation..


I LOVE YOU DANY