the ' i-am-in-love-with-berlin' saga continues....
after the lucky co-incidence friday evening in Schoenhauser allee (i wrote about it in
I was at Theresa's for brunch and just couldn't leave her...so when i finally left it was already evening. I almost forgot my mobile phone and stuff, anyways, things had to happen like that, because, guess who i met in front of the trainstation Warschauerstr?
Elsa, from the Freiburger Waldorfschool, and with her Nele, Julia, and as I later found out, RUTH, too!!!!!
It was so weird, that I even didn't freak out. I was just like 'oh hi elsa, how are you, how comes you are here?'
you know, the point is, Berlin is TOO big to meet people you are looking for but it is still small enough to actually meet people you would have never expected to see during the next years. We got along so well back in the 11 th grade and RUTH went to the same teacher in Russia, as I did. She actually went to a cicrus school in Moscow and will pursue this path now, after having finished school. She is doing shows and in that particular night she was having a devil-stick show in the Variete in the RAW complex.
of course I cancelled all my meetings (I was going to teach German, give a guitar lesson and have a yearbook meeting) and decided to see her show.
Elsa just came back from New Zealand where she has been the last half year (i am so jealous!) and she is as beautiful as always. she is genuinly one of the most beautiful people i know.
It was so much fun to see the Variete show, it was very unique and special and surprisingly it was so funny and fascinating that we had to laugh all the time or just sat in silence and in awe of what humans can do. Ruth's show was breath taking, in Russia she worked together with some dudes who did pantomime and other stuff with electronical music (they had a DJ in their shos) and she kinda incorporated that into her work , too. It was fascinating, totally fascinating.
Sitting there I realized of course, how much I love and am attracted to stages and the circus/variete scene. All the memories of my circus days flashed me back and this artistic thrive and thirst inside my breast just wept all considerations as what to study and become later, away. Studying philosophy? oh WELL....law??? oh WELLLL..... I absolutely have to look for a way how to integrate that into my life so I won't die. Art in all these forms is like SOUL-FOOD and a form of digestion for all the intellectual and emotional input I get. It really inspired me to see them, they are so fresh and so positive and energetic. It's so good to meet people like that. Sometimes, when you don't have any response in your direct environment it's difficult to keep up your own visions. Ruth and Nele do shows together and I am yearning for a complementary partner to do the same. But maybe it s just that I have to become active first and then everything will happen by itself. Well, I AM active, but maybe not enough. we'll see. I keep you posted!!!!!!!
jayjay who absolutely believes in the power of co-incidence!!! and intuition!
ps. Bumma I miss you terribly
pps. I actually called some of my friends to join for the show, but in fact I have to realize that not everybody can or should be as spontaneous as I am (or willing to spend money on sth like that and as uncontrolled as I do ;-)). -But it made me realize how good it is that I am single because I would never feel so free to follow these co-incidences than it is the case now. Of course I also had these crazy things happening to me when I was together with Jasper but the mere fact that being in a realtionship means also to be responsible towards the beloved one and make plans so you can meet up and stuff is just so contrary to my spontaneity and my wild thirst for life and experiencing things to the fullest.
Thus I am now more than ever a social maverick, enjoying both, walking alone and meeting people when it is meant to be.... taking my chances.......
so all in all i think i can sum it up to following thesis: being in a relationship means to give up lots of stuff and focus which, however, opens up a new universe of its own with lots of things to be discovered and lots of things which can make you grow. It also offers a kind of stability to which one can cling to in times of uncertainty and also a spring of strength to be able to do even greater things.....(possibly, could be the reverse, though, too; ;-)
However, I feel every day more and more clearly how much this kind of circumstance would not fit my life at all, not yet, I want to open up to the world as it is out there, embrace it all and find myself in it. I thought I already did that all the past years but I see that there is so much more to do and learn and experience that there is no way for me to focus. It would incredibly bore me to death to have plans for 'what to do tonight' or make plans what one could to together. It also would cost me more energy than give me lots of energy because I get all the tender cuddlin energy from my friends (they have accepted me as a cat ;-)) and the sexual energy from miscellaneous lovers to speak in Humanity Critics words ;-). It would cost me more, as it would be an act of a lot of energy to sustain the relationship, as it would be in reality so unnatural for me to be in one. Ahhh having said all this I feel a relief, really, as I have pondered these thoughts so much during the last weeks as I was kinda dealing with J.'s accusations on how I have changed or not and stuff.
So, to put the message very clear: I am very happy not to be in a relationship and I am very happy that you are and that you both are happy to be in one and are hopefully good for each other in every respect, - and honestly, it is good not to see you because our bodies did a different talking those last three times we met. The difficulties arise, from my point of view, because of the physical part of the whole thing and my former jealousy and disappointment that I cannot be the one who is with you now, has totally vanished. I am totally happy with me and my life and I thank the Goddes every day for it. And I am happy that we don't have to be a couple. Either it has been totally premature or it really was some sort of cute misunderstanding on both parts ;-)
love!!!
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