The most important thing, that I've learned here is probably that - surprise! surprise! - everything happens for a reason. I mean, you can lament only so much about how much of a loser you are. How you wanted to do this and that when you grow up. There is no point in whining because a rose is a rose and a tree is a tree, a brook is a brook and an ocean is an ocean and the atlantic ocean is not the pacific ocean.
Of course I admire and envy those people who already know what their path really is. I mean, those who have a path that is very obviously specific. People who are involved in great social projects, who follow their urge to help and this and that. Who make a change by being a change etc. I am not even sure whether I do that. You know? I am confused. Now, my big sister could easily say that that's exactly the point and I need to do something about that. But - well, oh well. I am on my way. Ha. It is ironic how much I've learned through this mess. It's been an extremely beautiful and introspective time and the downside of it was that I seemingly wasted a lot of money on a music school although I won't become a porfessional musician (at least that's my guess) and other than that have pretty much BEEN a loser in terms of being of help to my niece and my sister. 'My own personal little development country' as different sisters would put it similarily to each other. My oldest sister said 'well, by helping us you help the world too because of the charity work we'll do and the greater impact we'll have with a bigger voice'. I don't doubt her aspirations and admire her greatly for the work she's done. My other sister was more concerned with my niece's personal growth and health, just as I was and said, it doesn't matter whether you help one person or many, it's as important.
Little did I expect that me too, haha, needed to help me first. I need to grow up. Great. I've said that many times before. It's like losing weight, it doesn't happen in one day. If i could I would undo the damage I might have cause, I am so sorry and embarrassed for that.
Little did I know that more than my niece I would wound up trying to help my love. Which, in the end, makes more sense too because an aunt is an aunt and a lover is a lover. You know what I mean???? that was something that was bigger than we were. I hope I can catch up with my niece. Some day.
Now is the time of gathering. Pieces, lost, little girl, do you remember? Pieces, shattered in front of me, sun reflecting golden in the sherds. Reticent I am. Talking too much. Hush, lullaby. Please be careful.
Tori Amos is the biggest inspiration in terms of people in my life right now. And Amanda. And my brave little niece and her brothers. And my biggest sister in her struggle and her husband in his.
Little, girl, listen to me. This has come to you because you need to learn how to be a captn and a warrior. You need to accept that your work won't be of a specific trade but it will concern bringing different threads together, on the same table. That's it. Be careful in how you are. Your' rough edges don't need to resurface just because he's gone. Be soft and strong. As you go.
No comments:
Post a Comment