San Francisco and the like

Well so I feel very much like an actor who is on stage but hasn't learned his role yet. I am hyperactively jumping around or pretending to be asleepe whilst all the time trying to attentively listen to the prompter (souffleur) in the hidden parts of the stage.
What is my next line? What is my next action? Raise a fist? Caress your soul? Give a massage? Read a book? Listen to a song? Answer a phone? Not answer a phone? Procrastinate something? Cross a street? Talk to somebody who turns out to hold the next line for me, the next cue as to what to do?
The internet doesn't work properly and i get schooled in being patient.
Bob Dylan helps me along the way with a wink in his eye and I throw heaps of emotions on the floor and try to laugh at them. The best I can do.
While I am trying to feel as an actor at least and not as a mere marionette I ponder on explanations for the why's and how's of the things I do and not do.
For some weird reason evverything always has to make friggin sense to me. So I try and find out about it, I mean, whatever, a woman gotta do what a woman gotta do.
That is why I think about San Francisco and how I tasted a different life up there. It was bitter sweet and full of dreams and ideals and possibilities.
But then I decided not to go there after all. Cut it all off. I mean, if God's index finger is going to point directly to San Francisco and a thunder-like voice will growl and howl in my ear that I have to be there, voila, I will go there. I am not going to argue with the Chief in Commander. Seriously.
What did my little smart head figure out about the meaning behind things here? Behind the decision not to go to SF and surround myself with people and an environment that is actually more on my wave length than anything I've seen so far from California (which is, admittedly very little)
Well, check that out: I will stay here in the city of Lost Angels because I figured that I might as well take things more seriously and lear how to swim. To do what I really want to do no matter where is the art that I want to learn. And the best way to learn that is to stay here because this environment and these people just don't really appeal to me.
A supporting environment is good and fine and everything but actually, I have had that for all my life. After having complained so much about it I am going to tackle it now and take LA as it is and make the best out of it, on PURPOSE.

So keep updated as to how this fight will go. I will try hard.