what i love

I love Tori Amos. And I love Sinead O'Connor and Tracy Chapman and Skunk Anansie and Lauryn Hill... I don't care whether or not they are lame or not. Whether there ultimate motivations are whack. Or stupid. Or whatever. People always seem to know why other people do things. They don't. They don't know. They might judge, yes, they can, and if it is up to me they can do that until they are old and all they will be able to do is to stare out a window, probably widowers, and watch and judge all day long anything that happens to happen on the street out there.
When I am old I want to laugh with children.
You can do whatever you want.
Just, don't kill cockroaches. Or flys. Or spiders.
Please.
These days especially I love Tori Amos. "Jupiter" and "sweet the sting" are in my head, I am reading about her right now ('Piece by Piece'), she is so fascinating and truly inspiring. Funnily enough she has a background that I can completely relate to, as far as I can see at least. Her native american side and her christian side. This is pretty much what I grew up with. In a probably very romantisized way and it is was her task and it will be mine to come to terms with that and find what is beneath all those layers.
"Josephine" has been haunting me since I was 17. The warm summer rain on my face when I was in his arms for the first time. The airplane to Alaska, how I looked down and thought about love. About him and failure and my heavy throbbing heart.
Juli's fucked up car. Josephine. 'Not tonight Josephine' was all I knew about the lyrics back then and that was all I wanted to know then. It was always NOT TONIGHT for me and him. Pedro. And then I grew up a little more but never enough and I arrived in Hollyweird, I see in retrospect that I have been really not much of a help to my oldest siter, I see how ridiculously not grown up I am yet. And Josephine came back to me.
As a song and as a theme and now I know what it really is about. It is about the NOT of a wonderful being coming into life.

When somebody does something that they have to do, that is their vocation and even if they are not immensely known or popular for it - if you stumble upon them and see what they are doing, persistently, consequently, you find true inspiration there.
So I will leave and I won't go down this way. I won't be another Tori Amos but I certainly will become myself.